Steve's Supermarket Adventure
by Steve West on August 16, 2009
Or...How I Tried To Get Myself Banned From Safeway
Shopping at my local Safeway is usually a pleasant experience. Few crowds at 10:00 at night, plenty of quality choices, reasonable pricing, etc. However, they employ a certain checkout girl, who shall remain nameless, (let's just call her Ugly On A Stick), who weekly drives me insane. UOAS is always peppy but in an annoying way. She tries to make everyone smile but is pretty inept at it and is unendingly vocal.
Last night it started before I even put the first item on the belt. UOAS has a habit of offering her opinion on the items you intend to purchase. She looked in my cart and saw a bag of peanut butter cups and loudly objected, "Where were you a minute ago when I was eating yogurt?" I took that as a lame joke that she could have helped herself to the contents of my shopping cart. This was merely lame so I overlooked it, gritted my teeth and continued unloading my groceries. After discussing, apparently with herself, the merits of white vs. wheat bread, how donuts are directly correlated with heart attacks, and that ice cream causes fat kids - she can see that I'm practically ignoring her. UOAS is in her late teens yet presents herself as so world-wise. And of course it's her duty to educate the rest of the world with her expertise.
Nearing the end of the ordeal, she said, "I bet you have a daughter." I agreed that I had two. She demanded, "Ask me how I know!"
Me: How did you know?
UOAS: Because of the princess snacks. (Fruity snacks emblazoned with pictures of Disney princesses on the box.)
Me: Very clever but those are actually for my son.
UOAS: (Upraised eyebrows)
Me: Yeah. He seems to like girlie things.
UOAS: (Head-tilted puzzled look of an English Border Collie)
Me: Yeah. Guess he takes after his ol' Dad. Under my shirt, (pointing at chest, whispering conspiratorially) Wonder Bra.
UOAS: (Begins checking rest of groceries as fast as a ferret on amyl nitrate)
I thought of discussing the quality of lift and separation but decided against it. Subtlety being the key to believability.
Sometimes I reflect on things and think of how ashamed of myself I should be. Most times I just wonder if they'll let me back in the Safeway.
Four Replies to Steve's Supermarket Adventure
Lori Lancaster | August 16, 2009
[hidden by author request]
Jackie Mason | August 18, 2009
[hidden by author request]
Aaron Shurtleff | August 19, 2009
If I hadn't met you, I'd think you were full of it, or maybe just portraying what you should have said as what you actually said.
But, no. I have no doubt you did this, and I wish I had half your chutzpah! One quarter of your moxie! One eighth of your vim! OK, I ran out of corny words, plus it's almost 1.
Web Junkie
Steve West scours the Web searching for interest or absurdity and then shakes his head ruefully when he finds it. Read more »
Kinderfest
Brenda and I were going to take the girls sailing but there was rain in the forecast so we decided to put it off for a week. Rainy combined with slightly chilly (60 degrees) doesn't make for a good time outside of Wasilla. So we decided to go to Kinderfest at a local regional park. Go »Sages And Fools
UOAS has been wonderfully absent from the grocery for the last month. Paradise only lasts so long, however. UOAS: (Eyeing the 3 lbs of sirloins on sweet sale) That's a lot of steaks, having a barbecue? Go »Isn't That What You Asked?
When in college, I would go bar hopping with friends on occasion. We'd go to 5, 6, 20 different bars, dance clubs, etc. I've since reformed my ways and on a wild night may go to 1 1/2 (that's one and the threat of falling asleep at the second). Go »Back to School Night
We just got back from the titular event and I have to say, I love my kids' school. Lauren is in 3rd grade and Olivia is in the autism program in 1st grade. Lauren has one teacher and Olivia has at least three (more if you count her speech therapist, occupational therapist, and physical therapist). Go »What Are We Gonna Do? Road Trip.
A brand new drug has come onto the market that is touted as being a treatment for autism. It's a homeopathic drug called Respen-A. It affects the malfunctioning areas of the brain typically associated with autistic children. Go »
Amy Austin | August 16, 2009
LOL! Well, it's good to know that you at least think about being ashamed... as I also do whenever I wish I was there to witness your shamefulness. ;-)