Got Dem Sunday Shopping UOAS Blues
by Steve West on December 7, 2009
Weekly shopping or as it has become, my weekly stroll through Satan's marketplace. I consciously avoided UOAS's line and since there were only two lines, chose the one next door. Let's call this one Slightly Less Ugly On A Stick. They seem to have been bred in the same cashier cloning factory. UOAS had no customers so she drifted over to chat with SLUOAS. In between bouts of adolescent blather (seems SLUOAS is being stalked by that pathetic Raymond who came by to see SLUOAS while she was on break), UOAS was making casual observations, again, on my purchases. And before anyone suggests, she did not come over to engage me specifically in any conversation, the majority of her time was spent trying to convince SLUOAS that her hair extensions needed replacing (every three thousand miles, you know).
UOAS (spotting my Christmas cards): Oh, what are you getting your wife for Christmas?
Me: A gift certificate for Prozac.
UOAS: You're getting a new grill brush now?
SLUOAS: Yeah, who grills in this weather.
Me: I don't grill outside. (twin tilted head expressions of confusion) I grill in the basement. I stick the grill in the fireplace and all the smoke goes up the chimney.
Just for the record, I grill outside in the snow and rain because it's not snowing or raining inside the grill. Jeez, twenty seconds to flip the meat and I'm back inside.
UOAS: (Commenting on my choice of coffee - a sacred violation) You know, the decaf stuff tastes just as good and it's so much better for you.
Me: (Pausing for SLUOAS to add idiotic sidebar - she had nothin') Oh, it'd probably be a bad thing to interrupt my caffeine stream.
Now there's two of them.
One Reply to Got Dem Sunday Shopping UOAS Blues
Web Junkie
Steve West scours the Web searching for interest or absurdity and then shakes his head ruefully when he finds it. Read more »
Laugh Or Cry
I have today and tomorrow scheduled off from work (unrelated to any on-the-job sarcasm). I haven't requested two days in a row off from work since last summer, I think. So I treated myself to a couple of midweek vacation days to R & R. Go »Homer Sings
Do-Re-Mi as sung by Homer Simpson DOh - The stuff that buys me beer. RAY - The guy that sells me beer. ME - The guy who drinks the beer. Go »Happy Halloween
Back when I was about ten, I went trick or treating as a witch doctor. I got to a house that I didn't know who lived there and was greeted by a kindly looking old lady. When I routinely and without much enthusiaism stated, "Trick or treat," she responded by handing me a piece of religious literature. Go »One and One-half Is Not the Same As Two
Recent conversation with Brenda: me: There are not two scoops of raisins in my Raisin Bran. Brenda: Excuse me? me: There appears to be less than two scoops of raisins in my cereal box. Go »Stay-cation Week V
My God, bowling has gotten expensive. Sorry to speak of the costs of things so much but hey, this is a getting a little ridiculous. One game cost me $17.00. Go »
Jackie Mason | December 12, 2009
[hidden by author request]