Tale Of The Mediocre Football Fan | Tragic Comedy

Last Thursday, Brenda and I went to the final preseason football game of the Washington Redskins. The game was less than meaningful (as is the nature of preseason football) because rarely do actual starters play in the final preseason game. But the tickets and parking were free (gift from a friend), and it gave Brenda and I an opportunity to have an evening for just the two of us, a rarity for most parents.

As the title suggests, I am not a huge football fan. It is not on my television every Sunday, Monday, Thursday etc. during football season. But if it's on I'll probably watch it. Especially while Brenda and the girls are clothes shopping. You'll find me in the electronics department drooling at the large screen displays. But it turned out to be a fun time, the game itself notwithstanding.

We sat in the club level at FedEx Field at almost exactly mid-field which was pretty damn cool. The Redskins entered the field to the tune of Metallica's 'Enter the Sandman' which is awesome except they only played the intro on a continuous loop. That got annoying 'cause I wanted to hear the rest of the song. Some of the Redskins offensive starters played the first series except that the first offensive play from scrimmage was an interception. Sandman apparently played for the Jaguars. The Jaguars scored (repeatedly) and when the players were overtly making gestures of thanks to God, I told Brenda, "No wonder we're losing, Jesus hates our team."

The club level was very nice with it's own air conditioned concourse. There were an equally impressive number of bars, souveneir shops, and food concessions including dogs from around the country. I had a Detroit dog but was very tempted to try the Chicago dog. It cost me eight bucks for a hot dog (!) but I did get a napkin with the Redskins logo on it. So I had that going for me. Interestingly, there was a nightclub on the club level concourse which is odd because I've never had the urge to Disco and thought, "FedEx Field". The inclusion of a Hooters on the same concourse struck me as kinda odd until I thought of the average football fan. On a related note, just who are the cheerleaders cheering to? They seemed oblivious to the action on the field, gyrating wildly at every opportunity. First Ladies of Football, my puckered patootie.

Saw the back-up quarterback lead the 'Skins to a field goal (the extent of Washington scoring) and heard the fans cheering wildly as he entered the game. He's played well apparently but never against an opponents "first" team. Conclusion: our scrubs are better than your scrubs. Left at half-time and was grateful I didn't have to endure the display of the "third" team.

Bold prediction #1: The Redskins will play so far over their heads that even the cheerleaders will get nosebleeds and still finish with a .500 record.

Bold prediction #2: It will take only one-half of the season for Steve not to know the Redskins' record.

Bold prediction #3: The Redskins will retire the #4 in honor of Brett Favre even though he's never played for them just to give the fans something to cheer for.

Bold prediction #4: The Redskins will receive the "participation" trophy I got in PeeWee football just to boost their self-esteem.

Bold prediction #5: Redskins players will all change their name to Ditka to try and sound tough at least.

Bold prediction #6: If there's Redskins punter stock, I'm buying heavy.

Sigh.

Two Replies to Tale Of The Mediocre Football Fan

Jackie Mason | September 6, 2008
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Steve West | September 6, 2008
Chili, cheese, onions.

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