UOAS has been wonderfully absent from the grocery for the last month. Paradise only lasts so long, however.

UOAS: (Eyeing the 3 lbs of sirloins on sweet sale) That's a lot of steaks, having a barbecue?
Me: No, those are for the neighbor's dog. It's his birthday. I'll probably grill 'em first.
UOAS: That's pretty generous!
Me: They're pretty good neighbors. My only dilemma is which sauce to serve with the roasted vegetables. I'm thinking of going with the vodka sauce. Too much?

UOAS: (Seeing the large bag of Reese's Pieces) E.T. loves these, I hear.
Me: Yeah, it's a well-known fact that aliens are allergic to chocolate. If any of your neighbors claim to be allergic to chocolate, I would ask to see their green card. I have INS on speed dial, myself.

UOAS: (Commenting on my browsing through a Golf Magazine) You golf?
Me: Yeah. I shot a 78 yesterday.
UOAS: That's pretty impressive.
Me: Yeah, the second hole was almost as good. I probably should learn to take a drop when a ball goes in the lake.
UOAS: You lost a bunch of balls in the lake?
Me: Yeah, I finally got a lucky bounce off the fountain in the middle and it caromed onto the green. I took an 80 on that one.

I think she's finally starting to get suspicious regarding the veracity of what I say.


Web Junkie

Steve West scours the Web searching for interest or absurdity and then shakes his head ruefully when he finds it. Read more »

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes...

My wife has been bugging me lately about the amount of time I spend on the computer. She claims she's merely trying to restore my perspective. Fine. Go »

Lucky Number 5

Brenda looked over my shoulder once to see what I was reading that made me chuckle. I told her it was an off-color joke involving the number 68. As it happened, she noticed that this joke appeared on page 68 of the book I was reading. Go »

What Goes Up...

Lauren and I went on that rock climbing event that she won during daddy/daughter bingo night. I corresponded with her principal, a nice guy who does this often. I asked him what I needed to bring besides bandages and his only recommendation was loose clothing. Go »

Baby Boomer Blues

I overheard someone of my generation (born in the early 60's) recently say, "Kids today don't even know how to write in cursive," in a negative way. That statement got grumbled agreement from the codgers nearby. I was thinking without saying out loud, "Grandma, you can't even turn on your laptop without getting six viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince." Go »

Double Talk with a Forked Tongue

I've decided that from now on, I'm going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. Friend (voter): "Steve, what are you gonna do this weekend?" Me (blahblahblah): "That's a great question and an important one. Go »

The Five Stages Of Patriots Grief

The Giants are the greatest 10-6 team of all time! Go »