UOAS has been wonderfully absent from the grocery for the last month. Paradise only lasts so long, however.

UOAS: (Eyeing the 3 lbs of sirloins on sweet sale) That's a lot of steaks, having a barbecue?
Me: No, those are for the neighbor's dog. It's his birthday. I'll probably grill 'em first.
UOAS: That's pretty generous!
Me: They're pretty good neighbors. My only dilemma is which sauce to serve with the roasted vegetables. I'm thinking of going with the vodka sauce. Too much?

UOAS: (Seeing the large bag of Reese's Pieces) E.T. loves these, I hear.
Me: Yeah, it's a well-known fact that aliens are allergic to chocolate. If any of your neighbors claim to be allergic to chocolate, I would ask to see their green card. I have INS on speed dial, myself.

UOAS: (Commenting on my browsing through a Golf Magazine) You golf?
Me: Yeah. I shot a 78 yesterday.
UOAS: That's pretty impressive.
Me: Yeah, the second hole was almost as good. I probably should learn to take a drop when a ball goes in the lake.
UOAS: You lost a bunch of balls in the lake?
Me: Yeah, I finally got a lucky bounce off the fountain in the middle and it caromed onto the green. I took an 80 on that one.

I think she's finally starting to get suspicious regarding the veracity of what I say.


Web Junkie

Steve West scours the Web searching for interest or absurdity and then shakes his head ruefully when he finds it. Read more »

Just As I Suspected...

A panel of experts (a group of listeners to Britain's BBC 6) have determined the worst duet in history. Obviously this group has no credentials or necessarily any credibility and history is such a long time. But that's a pretty good vote if schmaltz makes a song bad. Go »

Approaching Decision Time

The Mickster/Sean Penn debate rages. I'm listing my reasons not to choose Mickey Rourke and comparing them to a similar list for Sean Penn. Mickey Rourke 1. Go »

Unlike Burger King, Special Orders Upset Us

Recent conversation with Brenda. Brenda: Feel like Subway for lunch? me: Only if I get a foot-long sandwich that's actually 12 inches long. Go »

See You At The Pole

At the end of my college career, I walked on the campus of the University of Maryland for the thousandth time. Near the chapel, in front of an administrative building, stood flagpoles bearing the flag of the State of Maryland flying slightly lower than the flag of the United States. Annually, in September, students are encouraged to gather at the flagpole of their school and pray, an event called "See You At The Pole". Go »

That's Good Eatin'

Recent conversation with Brenda: Brenda: (Looking through mailer) Would you like to go to Floyd's Barbecue? me: Why would I want that? Brenda: We could get $5.00 Go »

Knock Knock Knockin' On Morpheus' Door

Nestled in the arms of Hypnos, my daughter woke me with the sounds of retching. She is struggling with a very phlegmy cough that makes sleeping difficult for her and impossible for me. What with all the changing of bedding in the middle of the night, clothing, dosing with medicine, and comforting - I lost a significant amount of sleep. Go »