UOAS has been wonderfully absent from the grocery for the last month. Paradise only lasts so long, however.

UOAS: (Eyeing the 3 lbs of sirloins on sweet sale) That's a lot of steaks, having a barbecue?
Me: No, those are for the neighbor's dog. It's his birthday. I'll probably grill 'em first.
UOAS: That's pretty generous!
Me: They're pretty good neighbors. My only dilemma is which sauce to serve with the roasted vegetables. I'm thinking of going with the vodka sauce. Too much?

UOAS: (Seeing the large bag of Reese's Pieces) E.T. loves these, I hear.
Me: Yeah, it's a well-known fact that aliens are allergic to chocolate. If any of your neighbors claim to be allergic to chocolate, I would ask to see their green card. I have INS on speed dial, myself.

UOAS: (Commenting on my browsing through a Golf Magazine) You golf?
Me: Yeah. I shot a 78 yesterday.
UOAS: That's pretty impressive.
Me: Yeah, the second hole was almost as good. I probably should learn to take a drop when a ball goes in the lake.
UOAS: You lost a bunch of balls in the lake?
Me: Yeah, I finally got a lucky bounce off the fountain in the middle and it caromed onto the green. I took an 80 on that one.

I think she's finally starting to get suspicious regarding the veracity of what I say.


Web Junkie

Steve West scours the Web searching for interest or absurdity and then shakes his head ruefully when he finds it. Read more »

Christmas and a Lizard's Tale

One Christmas when Lauren was eight, like a lot of girls her age, wished for a pony. My backyard at the time was about the size of a Volkswagen Minibus. Despite her assurances that she would let it roam the neighborhood for sufficient exercise, I said, “Not this year,” as I pictured myself following the horse with a pooper scooper. Go »

Dumb Celebrity Quotes

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Christmas Tree Shopping

We finally went out and got our Christmas tree. Lauren and I trekked to the local Knights of St. Mickey who offer good trees annually and they're pretty nice folks. Go »

An Open Letter to Trump Voters

I'm not mad at you that Clinton lost; I didn't vote for her either. I'm unconcerned that we have different politics. And I don't think less of you because you vote one way and I vote another. Go »

Japanese Terebi Game Shows 2

Sometimes clever but usually hilarious clips from one particularly wacky game show. Human Tetris I; Human Tetris II; Human Tetris III. Go »

What The Hell Is An Egg Roll Anyway?

Outside of a chinese restaurant I had never encountered an Easter egg roll before. We managed to become the recipients of four tickets to this year's White House Easter Egg Roll. We were not there to witness the President's participation as we were in the last of three groups and he presented himself to the first. Go »