Holy Spam

Scott Hardie | July 10, 2002
I got a Christian email today at my catch-all email address. A "Kevin D. Wayne" was directed to my web site (by God) and wants to tell me about the greatness of the Almighty. You know, I don't really mind that; getting spam about God isn't that different to me than getting spam about home loans or penis enlargement. But this was a spam written by a real person, not a computer. It contains numerous specific references to my life, too many and too spread-out to be part of a form letter. So, it's either someone who found my web page and legitimately wrote this message to convert me (which is frankly a creepy way to do it), or it's a joke spam written by a friend. I've sent out plenty of fake spam to friends in my time, so it's only fair to get some back. I dunno. I'm including the full text of it here. You be the judge.

Hey man! You graduated in 2002? Me too! Looks like you moved from Illinois to Florida and I'm moving from Florida to Illinois (Chicago to be exact). Yo, I don't want to take up too much of your time. I guess you're wondering who I am. God just led me to your email address to let you know that He loves you. You will find that HE LOVES YOU whether you believe in Him or not. GOD IS LOVE. He won't change that. The Bible says that, "Even when ALL OF US were sinners (unbelievers), Jesus Christ died," because of His love for each and every one of us. All you have to do is accept His love. Once you accept His love, you will see that God is not a Slavedriver or an uncaring Master. You will find Him to be a Father. In the Bible, He tells us to call Him "Abba", which literally means, "Daddy"-- He'll be that close to you. He'll be that intimate. Not only will he be "Daddy," but He also calls himself our Brother and our Friend. It's not about prudish religious acts and ceremonies. It's all about love, righteousness, joy, and peace. In order to be saved, all you have to do is believe that He loved you so much that He sent His Son Jesus to die for the forgiveness of ALL OF YOUR SINS. Believe that Jesus rose again so that when you die, you'll be resurrected, too. Then, all you have to do is live your life in such a way that His Kingdom is glorified on Earth. What's His kingdom? It's LOVE, RIGHTEOUSNESS, JOY, and PEACE! Trust me, He'll prove Himself to you. Lord Jesus, I give you thanks, praise, and glory for what you have done and what you are about to do in Scott's life. Open up His heart and reveal your truth to Him. Manifest yourself in such a way that there is no room for doubt. May he accept you, may he love you, and may he live the rest of his life as a witness of your goodness. Bless all of his future life endeavours, including his upcoming marriage. Make him and his fiancee one in the spirit of the Lord. Bless his family, bless his children and his children's children. Bless him with health, happiness, and prosperity. Let him know that you love him with an everlasting love, and that NOTHING can separate him from that love. Let him know that once he accepts you, no mistake he makes in life will ever again be counted against him-- Why? Because "The NAME OF THE LORD is a strong tower. The RIGHTEOUS run into it and are SAFE." All these things I ask in Jesus' name. AMEN. Love ya' man. Be encouraged.-Kev

Also, minor thing: In addition to being creeped out by a stranger writing to me about my life, I'm also rather deeply offended by the implication that God could ever be or replace my "Daddy." The pointed references to God being/replacing my "father" and "brother" make me think even more that someone is playing a prank on me. If that's the case and the person is reading this, I don't really mind the joke, but lay off my dad, aite?