Would We Have Been Friends?

Jackie Mason | August 23, 2005
[hidden by request]

Amy Austin | August 24, 2005
Hmm... this seems like such a simple question, but really I actually find it to be rather complex -- I'll take a stab, though.

The people I have known and been friends with since high school (10th grade on) are, in fact, the same types of people that I would be friends with now. Since that time (not too long after my very brief and unsuccessful stint as a "hooligan"... ;-p), I have always been rather selective in making friends, and I have always been a one-on-one type of friend all my life. Any more than this usually marks some type of transition that resulted in less contact with a buddy: buddy moved away, I moved away, someone changed schools/classes, etc. But for the most part, I would still be friends with all of these people if I knew them today -- in fact, I am still in touch (albeit not as frequently) with one high school friend (my last) who is still in Florida and teaches at the School for the Deaf & Blind in St. Augustine (in fact, I thought of her and how I'd like her response to Scott's question about Laurent, SD.)... we've been friends for about 16-17 years now.

My first college (dorm) roommate was one that was assigned to me, and while we got along fairly well (with occasional normal spats), I doubt that we ever would have sought out the likes of one another... she was West Indian and friends with a whole group of the like. But don't get me wrong -- I was quite happy for a little fresh perspective and diversity, and even though we only roomed together for that one year, she did call me out of the blue some years later to tell me that she had, in fact, married the guy that she had told me she would on the first day they met our freshman year (they weren't BF/GF until some long time after that). She was cool, and I'd still hang with her.

But this sort of brings me to "work friends" and neighbors... which are kind of the same thing -- people you are somewhat "assigned" to for a period of time, and which you may or may not choose to be friends with -- this choice isn't quite the same as it was in high school. Choosing to do so may or may not make your life any easier... and there are other factors that had little or no bearing on your high school friendships: you didn't necessarily live next door to your friends in high school (with the accompanying expectations of regular visits or certain levels of yard maintenance, for instance -- not to mention the whole couple dynamic, if you're married!), nor did they usually have any impact on your earnings/livelihood... because although there can definitely be a certain political agenda possible in high school friendships -- with regards to popularity and such -- it's really nothing compared to the treachery of the workplace, where you make your living and where being disliked can mean more than just a social death, but an eval/raise/promotion!

These people, quite often, are not necessarily people that I would *choose* to be in the company of, but I have had to on many occasions (and I am sure that other military folks here -- especially Navy, where you live on top of one another... *literally*... and these are the *only* people to be around for many months at a time -- will understand what I mean here). This type of friendship -- while not always a matter of politics/necessity -- still brings with it a different type/level of trust. If you have a friend/co-worker that really *is* a true friend, then that's great... however, sometimes it's really hard to keep the two realms separate, especially where one of you is or gets put in charge of the other (something that also happens quite frequently in the military and can be construed as "fraternization" if it gives the subordinate an unfair advantage over others or creates an appearance of undue familiarity). This is a recipe for disaster and the source of much drama in the military. After all... who else do these people have to hang with "after hours"???

So... anyone else have any thoughts on this?

Scott Hardie | August 25, 2005
It's a great question, but I'm probably not the right person to answer it. I may be inaccurate in this self-perception, but I see myself as an easy-going person who can get along with most people, which makes for an easy yes answer. I do know that if I could do high school over again, I'd be confident enough to be friends with everyone from the preppy kids down to the burnouts, but I'd treasure my friendships with people like Lori and Matt more than I did at the time, because they've stayed true to me for all these years no matter what choices I've made or what dumbass things I've sometimes said to them. :-) My college friendships were forged more out of mutual respect than clique loyalty like in high school; I couldn't be more different from Dave or Denise or Effie, but I like them a lot as people and don't want to lose touch with them. Today I'm having trouble forming as many new friendships because I'm a happily single person in a couple's world, but I still try to forge that bond when I can. I'd like to think I could have formed these same friendships at any time in my life, but only a time machine would tell for sure. It's an intriguing question, though.