A Ponderous Situation

David Mitzman | March 4, 2005
So let's address a hypothetical (or maybe not so hypothetical) situation...

I have this friend, yeah, a friend, that's the ticket, that recently has become friends again with this girl who he had a falling out with years ago. He liked her, she didn't like him, she turns into a hellbeast and that's the end of the friendship. Now that they're friends again (due to circumstances involving things), he thought that his old feelings were long gone but nope, they're still there. He's not sure if she'll ever feel the same way bout him and doesn't want to ruin the friendship a second time. What should he do in a situation like this? Remember, this is my friend here, yeah, friend. :-p

Anna Gregoline | March 4, 2005
Any more details available? Why the falling out?

Jackie Mason | March 4, 2005
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David Mitzman | March 4, 2005
Pretty much cuz guy had feelings for the girl, and she didn't and handled the situation poorly. Resulted in the friendship just going to shit. It seems that the tension between the two is gone now though, after not really seeing eachother for almost 4 years (I think it's been that long).

David Mitzman | March 4, 2005
Good point Jackie. We never dated so we're not exes, just friends that had something bad come between them. To put it mildly, our dad's are pretty much best friends and he treats me like a son. I'm sure there is a friendship to be salvaged and restarted, but the problem is that I'm willing to try, is she? And bringing up our past issues is probably not the best idea.

Jackie Mason | March 4, 2005
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David Mitzman | March 4, 2005
Yeah, it has been a while. However, she was dating this one guy for 5 years and that ended about 2 months ago. So I'm kind of happy about that, leaving the door open for something if I dare make an attempt again.

Scott Hardie | March 4, 2005
Two months after five years? Don't bet on it. :-( It takes time to get over a relationship that long, unless the love had gone out of it early-on.

My advice to your friend, Dave, is for him to find out where he stands with the relationship, not where she stands. If she never develops feelings for him and they remain friends indefinitely, will he honestly be satisfied with that? If so, then continue the friendship, and watch the attraction subside. But if he will always have feelings for him that will make him frustrated, unhappy, and unsatisfied to be around her if she does not match them, then the best thing for him to do is tell her the truth and part ways. There's no shame in it, and he does not "owe" her a friendship just because she doesn't want more.

Lori Lancaster | March 4, 2005
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Dave Stoppenhagen | March 4, 2005
The only advice I can give to your friend, don't be the rebound guy. They'll probably end up resenting each other because of it, it usually doesn't work. I dated a girl for about 6-7 months, we were friends before that, and she got married while I was out to sea to an old friend of hers. I got back 4 months later and they were getting divorced and I was the rebound guy. Needless to say we haven't spoken in almost 7 years.

Anna Gregoline | March 4, 2005
I have to second Scott's advice: Two months after five years? Don't bet on it.

They say it takes at least half as long as the entire relationship to get totally over an ended relationship, and I think I kind of agree with that. Your mileage may vary, but two months is definitely not enough time.

Denise Sawicki | March 4, 2005
I appreciate Scott's "unless the love had gone out of it early-on" qualifier. My "friend" got married to her new boyfriend 8 months after ending a 4-year relationship with the old one and is doing fine. :) I'd say proceed with caution rather than give up altogether. It might not be a case of being the rebound guy but a case of easily recognizing the right guy after years with the wrong one.

Amy Austin | March 4, 2005
True, true.

Scott Hardie | March 4, 2005
Glad you caught that one, Denise. ;-)

Jackie Mason | March 5, 2005
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David Mitzman | March 5, 2005
I was actually thinking about that whole "getting toasted and spilling the beans" kind of situation earlier (because it's bound to happen sooner or later with the fact that both of us are boozehounds). Either way, I didn't expect anything to happen immediately anyway as it's only been 2 months after their breakup. Plus, from casual conversation, she doesn't seem to upset at this point (I think that breakup was a long time coming).

Either way, I think I've figured out what I really need to do. Obviously for me there are still some feelings for her (both as a friend and more) and I haven't caught whether or not she feels the same way (friendship yes, more not yet). I think she's really grown up over the past few years and that may allow the friendship to be what it really should be. If that's the case and there are no feelings for her towards me, I'd be content with just her friendship. Her family has been part of my life for the majority of my 25 years, and not having her in it did kinda suck.

Amy Austin | March 5, 2005
Good for you, Dave, and good luck! ;-)

Jackie Mason | March 5, 2005
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David Mitzman | March 5, 2005
Yeah I figured that. I'd like to think I'm old enough to handle this situation properly. I'm actually going to be visiting her bartending tonight (she's not a bartender, just helping out a friend so this should be good for some laughs).

David Mitzman | March 7, 2005
So I saw my friend Saturday night in the city. All was well and I'm still weighing both sides of attempting to even consider going for it. I do feel the feelings there but my real question; am I just revisiting old feelings due to the fact I'm hanging out with this friend for the first real time in almost 6 years or are these feelings true and current? I'm tempted to lean to the former on this one. What I really think will give me that real answer is after hanging out with her more for a while, if the feelings are really still there then they aren't old ones, but if they disappear after a while, we'll know it was just a fondness of the heart thing and a good solid friendship is what fate had in mind. Yes, I am a slight believer in fate and other stuff like that (not too much but just a tad), and maybe the 6 year absense of friendship was to allow both of us to mature to the point where a deep friendship or more could develop.

Amy Austin | March 7, 2005
Wow, Dave -- you sure look different from picture to picture! So, is that your "friend" in the photo with you? She's cute... I can see why feelings might develop. ;-)

So... after too many late, LATE nights -- and now I'm *trying* to get back to a decent sleep schedule -- I can't sleep! E was working in the yard today, and so he apparently had no problem at all falling asleep over a couple of hours ago. I, on the other hand -- after tossing and turning for at least 40 minutes, decided it was best to get up and try again later.

Have nothing of real import to offer you at this junction... it sounds to me like you're handling it quite well, Mitz -- carry on! (Think I'll go surf eBay now...)

David Mitzman | March 7, 2005
Thanks. I know I'm all sorts of hotness over here ;)
As for the girl in the picture, that's my friend Kaitlin, not the one I've been referring to in this conversation :-p

Amy Austin | March 7, 2005
Hmm... oh! Well, forget Miss Thing then, and hook up with Kaitlin! (JK) ;-)

Jackie Mason | March 7, 2005
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David Mitzman | March 8, 2005
Hehe, she's a friend from college that moved down to Long Island last year and now that I'm back we hang out a lot since she lives only like 10 minutes away.