Mr. and Ms. Restaurant

Scott Hardie | June 17, 2015
Imagine restaurant chains—fast food, fast casual, or table service—personified as living human beings. How do you picture them? Go into as much or as little detail as you like.

I'll start us off: I picture McDonald's as an obese middle-aged white guy who was great in his prime, like a former high-school quarterback living on the fumes of his glory days. He's still the family breadwinner and he collects a decent salary, but he's being driven out by younger fitter competition that he doesn't understand. He keeps making half-hearted promises to take better care of his health but it never seems to last. He spoiled his kids with toys and junk food, and now they've grown up into obese adults still dependent on him.

Scott Hardie | July 2, 2015
No takers? Once I start, I can't stop thinking of examples. I know exactly who KFC is. I once encountered a memorable employee of theirs behind the register: Morbidly obese thirtysomething white man, with massive grease stains drenching his half-unbuttoned shirt, hat placed lopsided on top of unkempt hair, one front tooth missing, and sweat pouring down his unshaven face and arms. He took one look at my fat friend and me and declared with a country twang and a huge grin, "You boys look like you could eat some chicken!" I never felt quite the same way about KFC after seeing what that brand personified as a human being looked like.

Samir Mehta | July 2, 2015
[hidden by request]

Samir Mehta | July 2, 2015
[hidden by request]

Scott Hardie | July 9, 2015
Meh. KFC and McDonald's today are dinosaurs, surviving primarily on nostalgia and existing market share. I can't imagine liking Taco Bell if I were growing up today, given how shitty it is compared to its fast-casual competitors like Chipotle and Moe's, but I have memories of so many happy meals there (especially as a onetime employee) that I often prefer it today. What I'm saying is, I imagine that a lot of people just eat at KFC and McDonald's because they're used to doing so, even if better options exist. This is not good for those restaurants' long-term strategy, but they have time and ample resources to try to change.

I am not a big fan of Chipotle. The first meal that I had there was terrible, less due to the so-so food than to the earsplitting music and garbage everywhere and elbow-to-elbow crowdedness. The second meal was taken to-go and much better, but I still don't think it's any better than Moe's Southwest Grill (which offers a lot more options). Except for their early support of the anti-GMO movement, I fail to see any reason why Chipotle is so extremely popular right now, so to me they seem to be nothing but a popular fad that will go away with time. Other people tell me I'm nuts for not thinking they're great. Perhaps more meals there will change my mind.

To personify more restaurants: Burger King would be African-American, Subway would be Caucasian, and Panda Express would be... also Caucasian.

Samir Mehta | July 9, 2015
[hidden by request]

Scott Hardie | July 10, 2015
I worked at Taco Bells in four different ethnic neighborhoods, and each had distinct favorites on the menu. One of those Bells was on a college campus that hosted a lot of Indian students, making up something like 10% of the student body. We sold a ton of bean burritos at that location, and lot of tacos-minus-beef-plus-beans. (That Bell was located inside a student center that closed at something like 9pm, which unfortunately cut off a very lucrative market.)

In a single person, Cracker Barrel is Paula Deen. If you think their menu isn't loaded with enough sugar for that to be fair, consider all of the candy that they sell in the store.

Aaron Shurtleff | July 11, 2015
I had one for Evos, then I realized it was a Tampa-based chain, and almost no one would have heard of it... Here it is anyways!

Evos was that one white guy you met in college, who was 100% into the hippie lifestyle, but drove around in his parents huge SUV, and never seemed to realize that he came off as more of a poser than an actual hippie.

Evos as a restaurant is pretty good, but expensive, and the people there (at least the one I went to) all had that kind of attitude that turned me off. Like, they have meat there (responsibly raised, grass fed, all the "buzzwords"), but if you actually ordered that over a tofu/veggie option, they looked at you like you asked to personally slaughter the cow in their front dining area.

Scott Hardie | August 8, 2015
I have not been to Evos, but I get a pretty vivid picture of it from your description, and I can't say that I'm eager to try it.

Cheesecake Factory is a woman still living in last decade's wasteful, bigger-is-better era, who thinks nothing of dropping an entire day's pay on a dinner that has an entire day's calories in it. She drives a Hummer, she buys shoes that she only wears once, she cranks up the volume when watching American Idol on her giant TV, and she posts endless cell-phone photos of her fat children on Facebook. She considers herself sophisticated and she's interested in foreign cultures from all over the world, unlike her cousin Cracker Barrel.