Everybody's a Comedian

Steve West | September 4, 2008
Some of the best political jokes of late.

Comedy Central Insider’s Eugene Mirman on Sarah Palin.
She kicks ass.
She was raised by wolves.
She killed a moose and the rode off on the rest of the moose’s family as kind of a “fuck you” to the moose community.
She’s never shot another hunter in the face but she has bitten a bear to death.

"It's true, John McCain’s running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Palin said, 'We should never have introduced her to John Edwards.'" --Conan O'Brien

"But we're learning more and more about Sarah Palin, boy, are we. Listen to this: it turns out she and her entire family once had a chair-throwing brawl on 'Jerry Springer.'" --David Letterman

"And how are you going to be the vice president of the United States with five kids to take care of? She's got a four-month-old of her own, she's about to become a grandmother, and she's partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?" --Jimmy Kimmel

Steve West | September 6, 2008
"They say Palin’s speech was written by George Bush’s speechwriter, which was great for that guy because he finally got a chance to use some big words." --Jay Leno

"Now, today it was reported that the speech that Sarah Palin delivered at the convention was actually written by President Bush’s speech writer, which explains the title of the speech, 'I Like Trucks.'" --Conan O'Brien

"While she was addressing the crowd, Sarah Palin spent a lot of time criticizing Barack Obama’s campaign speeches for not having enough specifics. Obama was reportedly angry about the claim, but didn’t say exactly why." --Conan O'Brien

Steve West | September 7, 2008
From Big Shot Bob in Texas:

The Russians sold Alaska to America because Sarah Palin would not submit to autocracy.

The Arctic Circle runs through Alaska so the Sun can have some relief from Sarah Palin’s bright glare.

Sarah Palin’s hotness is the largest single contributor to melting polar ice caps.

Sarah Palin fired Jack Bauer because he was too soft in dealing with terrorists.

Sarah Palin’s son Track is going to Iraq after the Surge, because a Palin during the Surge would have been unfair.

Sarah Palin actually has Big Foot in her freezer.

Sarah Palin doesn’t need a gun to hunt. She has been known to throw a bullet through an adult bull elk.

Sarah Palin will personally open a homemade can of whoopass on Ahmadinejad, Putin, and Chavez as soon as she’s done making mooseburgers for her kids.

A grizzly bear once tried to stare down Sarah Palin. Once.

Sarah Palin became governor because five children left her with too much spare energy.

Global Warming doesn’t kill polar bears. Sarah Palin does. Generally with her bare hands.

Sarah Palin got Tom Brady pregnant, and then left him.

Steve West | September 7, 2008
‘My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world.

I hope you’ll join with me as we try to change it.’

- Barack Obama

That's an actual quote which makes it even funnier, sort of.

Amy Austin | September 7, 2008
So, what, is Sarah Palin cousin to Chuck Norris now?

Steve West | September 7, 2008
Chuck Norris wishes he was Sarah Palin trapped in a man’s body.

Amy Austin | September 7, 2008
I guess I should have seen that one coming...

Steve West | September 8, 2008
From AmyOops.com

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Steve West | September 9, 2008
"Fashion Week here in New York City. And a sure sign that it's Fashion Week, all of the guys in the Village are dressed as Sarah Palin." -David Letterman

"During John McCain's speech last night, an anti-Republican heckler began yelling at him. Yeah. Officials removed the man and immediately gave him a job at MSNBC." -Conan O'Brien

"Cindy McCain talked about how his character, honor and integrity made him the exact kind of married man she was looking to pick up at a bar." -Bill Maher

Steve West | September 11, 2008
"The Republican convention is over, the Democratic convention over. Just one left. Next week, Ralph Nader's convention. It'll be at his apartment. He says you have to park on the street." –Jay Leno

"There is some good news for John McCain. According to the latest polls, which came out today, John McCain has started to open up a lead over Barack Obama. This is true. Yeah. The USA Today poll has McCain ahead by ten points. But the MSNBC poll says that Obama won the election last week." –Conan O'Brien

"Because of Sarah Palin, people are now asking the question: is she ready to be president? Is Sarah Palin ready to be president? If, God forbid, something happens to John McCain, is Sarah Palin ready to be president? I don't think we need to worry about that, because Bush has lowered the bar so tremendously." --David Letterman

"Sad incident at Toys 'R' Us today when the Sarah Palin dolls shot My Little Pony." --Jimmy Kimmel

Steve West | September 16, 2008
"Sarah Palin's been spending the last couple of days being briefed by advisers on what she needs to know to be John McCain's vice president. Like CPR." --Conan O'Brien

"And of course, August was a big month for the campaigns. Barack Obama set a record for fundraising in August, raised $66 million. John McCain raised $47 million. And Ralph Nader got a $10 gift card from Jamba Juice." --Jay Leno

"They interviewed Sarah Palin's father, and Sarah Palin's father says that they shoot 90% of the meat their family eats. Yeah, the other 10% they hit with their pickup truck." --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah's husband, Todd, who works in the oil field. Well, his Secret Service codename is 'Driller.' I guess they figured Bill Clinton wasn't using it anymore." --Jay Leno

Scott Hardie | September 16, 2008
Some appreciation for Jay Leno.

Steve West | September 19, 2008
"Barack Obama had a big night last night. Last night, Barack Obama attended a fundraiser headlined by Barbra Streisand that raised $9 million. $9 million. Yeah. It's big. This was historic. This was historic, this is the most money raised in one night, and it's the first time a straight black man has ever attended a Barbra Streisand concert." --Conan O'Brien

"And AIG has assets of over $1 trillion. Not billion, $1 trillion. How do you have $1 trillion and still get into financial trouble? You know? I mean, I understand if you're living in a dumpster, rooting through trash cans, you need a couple bucks, okay. But if you have $1 trillion, don't hit me up for a loan. Think about it. Has anybody ever had $1 trillion and still failed? Okay, besides the New York Yankees." --Jay Leno

"See, that's the problem in this country. You see, Washington is out of touch with the common people. They have no idea what regular people are doing or thinking on a regular basis. You know, just this morning, I was telling that to my valet, Alejandro, as he was putting the toothpaste on my brush for me." --Jay Leno

Steve West | September 21, 2008
"The political campaign continues, of course, for the presidency. This Sunday, the entire hour of '60 Minutes' will be devoted to Barack Obama and John McCain. Yeah. Apparently, Barack Obama will be interviewed. John McCain will fill in for Andy Rooney." –Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Barack Obama, earlier this week in Colorado, Barack Obama gave a speech in the middle of a rodeo ring. Yeah. Obama began his speech in the rodeo by saying, 'Hello, I am what is known as a black guy.''" –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton canceled an appearance at an upcoming rally next week in New York after learning that Sarah Palin would be there. And ironically, Bill Clinton had previously canceled after finding out Hillary would be there." –Jay Leno

Steve West | September 23, 2008
"As if all this news is not bad enough, today, President Bush announced he's on the case. Because if there's one name that comes to mind when you're in a no-room-for-error crisis, it's George Bush." --Bill Maher

"Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler

"A top McCain policy adviser claimed this week that McCain's work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, 'You're looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.' He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it." --Amy Poehler

Steve West | September 24, 2008
The following is an excerpt from the Joe Biden interview with Katie Couric. Verbatim, it could be a sketch from Saturday Night Live. The quotes are real.

Darrell Hammond as Joe Biden: "I feel passionate about what I'm doing and saying. I know the Republicans are going to take anything I say, no matter what it would be or anybody, and take it out of context. They are going to take any piece and if I have to parse through every single thing I'm going to say, then I'm not me."

Reporter Al Franken: What would you do differently?

Hammond as Biden: "Part of what being a leader does is to instill confidence is to demonstrate what he or she knows what they are talking about and to communicating to people ... this is how we can fix this. When the stock market crashed, Franklin Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the princes of greed. He said, 'look, here's what happened.'"

Reporter Al Franken: Wouldn't that be just a little difficult when the stock market crashed in 1929 and Roosevelt didn't make his first TV appearance until 1939? And Roosevelt wasn't president when the market crashed, Herbert Hoover was.

Hammond as Biden: Homina homina hem hem... Palin is inexperienced!

Actual quotes in context here.

Samir Mehta | September 24, 2008
[hidden by request]

Steve West | September 24, 2008
Too obscure? You mean that little thing called the Great Depression or that nobody really remembers or should care when somebody was president? Or that Roosevelt was famous for his "fireside chats" with the American people on the radio or that televisions didn't become a routine part of American households until after WWII? Too obscure or an inability to admit that something said was just plain stupid?
None of these knuckleheads is my candidate of choice so I really can be just a little objective about this and call stupid when I see stupid.

Samir Mehta | September 24, 2008
[hidden by request]

Steve West | September 24, 2008
Thanks for the clarification. Sorry my ass got chapped.

Samir Mehta | September 24, 2008
[hidden by request]

Steve West | September 25, 2008
"The mini-series 'John Adams' set a new Emmy record last night. 13 wins. So, a guy from the 1700s can still win today. That is good news for John McCain." --Jay Leno

"Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad also spoke at the U.N. earlier today. Do you know anything about Ahmadinejad? He is so humorless. I mean, just completely nothing. Absolutely void of humor. So they've asked him to host next year's Emmys." --David Letterman

"Did you know that? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. This is a guy who hates Jews and gays. Boy, is he in the wrong town." --David Letterman

"Listen to this. If any of these jokes bomb tonight, the federal government will step in and bail me out." --Jay Leno

"And here's kind of an odd story. Due to a phone book misprint, callers to the New Jersey Democratic party actually got connected to a sex phone line. Ironically, on the sex phone line, you could still talk to former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey." --Jay Leno

Steve West | September 27, 2008
"Oh, but Sarah Palin, you know, was at the U.N. yesterday, and she was a big hit. She's over there meeting all of the world leaders. She's still learning who the world leaders are. Right now, she thinks that Warren Buffett is the head of Margaritaville." --David Letterman

"And she was at the General Assembly, Sarah Palin was, and somebody said, 'Look, over there, that's the president of Georgia.' And she said, 'Wow, Jimmy Carter?' And then she said, 'Boy, I hope I get to meet Queen Latifa.'" --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin was in New York City this week. She met with some world leaders yesterday and went to the Central Park Zoo, yeah. Took her five hours to get through the zoo, 'cause she had to keep stopping to reload." --Jay Leno

"But you have to understand something. When you have 11 houses, you take a housing crisis very, very seriously." --Jimmy Kimmel

Steve West | September 27, 2008
"I was watching the news on television earlier, and George Bush says the economy is in danger. Nothing gets past this guy!" --David Letterman

"Today it seemed like Congress might have agreed on the $700 billion bailout bill for the banks, but then later on, it turned out that they haven't. For those of you who don't understand what is happening here, think of Wall Street as a no-good brother-in-law who borrows $500 from you and then shows up with a new jet ski." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Now, of course, you've all heard this. The presidential debate still in question. That's right. Because of the financial crisis, John McCain says he may not appear at the presidential debate on Friday. So Ralph Nader has offered to fill in for him. However, Nader is insisting that McCain work his shift at Kinkos." --Conan O'Brien

Steve West | September 28, 2008
Letterman’s Top 10 Surprising Facts About Sarah Palin

10. Sometimes Sarah calls John McCain “Grandpa”.
9. She stole that sexy librarian look from me.
8. Recently passed legislation to build a bridge to Funkytown.
7. Does great impression of Tina Fey.
6. Favorite meal: moose nuggets and beaver jerky.
5. Working on a “Knight Rider” spin-off about a talking snowmobile.
4. Favorite book? “Late Show Fun Facts”—Available at fine stores everywhere.
3. Once spent a week in the hospital after attempting to put lipstick on a pitbull.
2. To improve her foreign policy experience, she recently went to the International House of Pancakes.
1. Only person I know who’s not afraid to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Steve West | September 28, 2008
Letterman’s Top 10 Surprises in the Presidential Debate

10. Jim Lehrer began proceedings with, “Which one of you morons wants to go first?”
9. McCain answered every question by cupping his ear and saying, “How’s that?”
8. Opened with closing statements, closed with opening statements.
7. McCain said he had more fun at the Lincoln-Douglas debates.
6. Everybody as talking about the new “Late Show Fun Facts” book available at bookstores everywhere.
5. McCain pledged to fill entire cabinet with sassy, unqualified hockey moms.
4. Obama said he’ll be on next season’s “Dancing with the Stars” – This guy will do anything.
3. Both had uncomfortable restroom stories involving Senator Larry Craig.
2. They picked some guy out of the audience from New Jersey to read a Top 10 list.
1. The winner – Tina Fey

Steve West | September 30, 2008
From Bits & Pieces:

If you get an e-mail with ‘Nude Photos of Sarah Palin’ in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with ‘Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton’, do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

Steve West | October 3, 2008
"Happy Rosh Hashanah! It’s Jewish New Year. Down in Washington DC, a confused George Bush today pardoned a bagel." --David Letterman

"The financial crisis has actually helped Barack Obama's poll numbers. McCain's plan to suspend his campaign and settle this has backfired on him. Think about it, no one should benefit more from this than the McCain/Palin campaign. Sarah Palin could actually wind up being the perfect candidate. If the world economy does collapse, she's the only one who knows how to live off the land." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I'll tell you how bad the economy is. Just to give you an idea how bad the economy is. I saw a gay guy shopping at JCPenney. That's when you know there's a bad economy. I saw a guy at the 99-cent store using a coupon. That's a bad economy." --Jay Leno

Steve West | October 4, 2008
"Now, of course, everyone's still talking about Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric, where Palin was unable to answer a question about the Supreme Court. Yeah, apparently, Palin thought the Supreme Court was a regular court with extra cheese." --Conan O'Brien

"This is the first time an Alaskan has ever been on a national ticket. There has not been this much excitement in Alaska since the last time they saw the sun." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Larry Flynt announced he's making a porn movie with a Sarah Palin look-alike. John McCain called the idea offensive. Barack Obama called it inappropriate. Bill Clinton said he'll reserve judgment until he sees the film." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a recent poll, 61% of people surveyed said they would rather see Sarah Palin in a bikini than Pamela Anderson. Although 99% said they would rather see Pamela Anderson as vice president." --Jay Leno

Steve West | October 8, 2008
"The big headline today is that she 'exceeded expectations,' which is like saying Andy Dick only drank half a bottle of Woolite." --Bill Maher

"President Bush then signed the bailout bill into law after consulting with his economic advisers, M.C. Hammer, Ed McMahon and Willie Nelson" --Seth Meyers

"When Sarah was told that Zardari had gotten a fatwa because of her, she said, 'I know, I felt it when he hugged me.'" --Bill Maher

Steve West | October 10, 2008
"And now she's going crazy, Sarah Palin, she is ready to go, she is saying now, the heels are on, and the gloves are off. And that's the kind of thing that used to cost Eliot Spitzer a thousand bucks." --David Letterman

"People looking into Barack Obama's campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey." --Conan O'Brien

"McCain was on stage with a hand mike, and I don't want to say anything because, look at me. But it was a little sad. He's got the hand mike there, and you could tell he was confused when he started singing 'Sweet Caroline.'" --David Letterman

Amy Austin | October 11, 2008
From the MANITOBA HERALD, Canada:

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The possibility of a McCain/Palin election win is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, attend only fundamentalist churches, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. "The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said, "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border, and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the McCain administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and participate in drills preparing them for the Rapture.

Recently liberals have developed novel ruses to cross the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in wigs and using walkers [Zimmer frames], Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed seniors on the lyrics of Perry Como.

"And if they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "My heart goes out to American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history and English majors does one country need?"

Mike Eberhart | October 11, 2008
Wow, if only that were true...

Lori Lancaster | October 11, 2008
[hidden by request]

Amy Austin | October 11, 2008
I knew I'd get a reaction from Mike... ;-)

Tony Peters | October 11, 2008
LOL Art History and English Majors

Steve West | October 12, 2008
"The economy is so bad ... today I saw Bill Maher praying." --Jay Leno

"This week, independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader announced that he is opening up 22 campaign offices nationwide, which means that every Nader supporter will get his or her own office." --Conan O'Brien

Steve West | October 15, 2008
"Over the weekend, Sarah Palin was booed at a Philadelphia Flyers hockey game. According to ABC News, the booing was so loud, they cranked the music up to deafening levels to drown it out. And to make it even more awkward, once they cranked up the music, McCain started yelling, 'Turn that crap down!'" --Jay Leno

"But Bush says he's going to tweak the financial bailout. That's like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu." --David Letterman

"Bush went on TV today to reassure the public. I don't know if it worked, because halfway through the speech two guys came in and repossessed the podium." --Bill Maher

Amy Austin | October 16, 2008
fun little click-fest

Lori Lancaster | October 16, 2008
[hidden by request]

Amy Austin | October 16, 2008
I refuse to believe that's for real. I can't handle any more scary stupid people.

Lori Lancaster | October 16, 2008
[hidden by request]

Amy Austin | October 16, 2008
LOL... honestly, I think I'm more of a Goose.

Steve West | October 17, 2008
"Today, they gave out the Nobel prize for economics. Believe me, in this economy, there weren't many people to choose from. You know who wound up getting it? Gary Coleman for those cash call commercials." --Jay Leno

"So let's see, the country is broke. Listen to this: 60 percent of the people in America now say we are headed toward a depression, not a recession, a depression. We are in desperate needs of profitable industries we can tax. Um, now can we legalize pot?" --Bill Maher

"Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict." --David Letterman

"This is weird: due to complaints, Walgreen's drug store has been forced to remove talking dolls of Barack Obama and John McCain. Walgreen's was also forced to remove the real Ralph Nader from the store. He was hanging around. He wasn't buying anything." --Conan O'Brien

Steve West | October 17, 2008
"Russia apparently has test-fired long-range ballistic missiles. At least that's what Sarah Palin says she saw from her house." --David Letterman

"I'll tell you one thing about John McCain, the guy is an optimist. He sees the glass as half full of his teeth." --David Letterman

"President Bush announced today he is going to have the Federal government put $250 billion into US banks. Yeah. Bush also said if he's putting that much money into a bank, they'd better give him a big-ass toaster." --Conan O'Brien

"They began filming a porno movie this week called 'Nalin' Palin.' They've hired a woman who looks like Governor Palin to star in this porn movie. It's called 'Nalin' Palin,' and they expect a lot of guys to go see it. The porn movie nobody wants to see? 'Ridin' Biden.'" --Jay Leno

Steve West | October 17, 2008
In case anyone's still confused...
Which may all be moot a month from now.

Steve West | October 17, 2008
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries..." The current state of political discourse.

Tony Peters | October 17, 2008
hey check out Pallin as president today ...it changes daily

Tony Peters | October 19, 2008
Joe the Plumber has been all over the place. He's been on 'Good Morning America,' he's on Fox News, he was talking to the Associated Press. This plumber has done more interviews in one day than Sarah Palin has done since being chosen by John McCain." --Jay Leno

"They're saying that when Sarah Palin is speaking, she blinks her eyes. People believe that those are coded messages, and I'm a conspiracy nut, so I got a hold of a tape of a recent campaign appearance, and I slowed it down. And if you translate the blinks to Morse code, sure enough, right there it says, 'Vote for Grandpa.'" --David Letterman,

"The question [Sarah Palin] keeps asking at all of the rallies is, 'Who is Barack Obama?' You know what, genius, maybe if you'd picked up a newspaper in the last year you'd know."--Bill Maher

"John McCain brought the heat, which is good, because it helps his lower back."--Stephen Colbert

"And more details coming out about Joe the Plumber. This is true. I'm not making this up. It came out this morning. His real name is not Joe, and he's not a licensed plumber. That's true. However, the McCain campaign insists that the 'the' is accurate. That part's true." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama has begun running ads within video games. Obama ads can be seen in video games such as 'Madden NFL '09' and 'Burnout.' Not to be outdone, John McCain has begun putting ads inside many MRI machines."-Seth Meyers, on ‘Saturday Night Live Weekend Update

Steve West | October 19, 2008
"If you watched the debate last night, you know John McCain kept talking about this guy Senator Obama met on the campaign trail named Joe the Plumber. Do you know the saddest part about the Joe the plumber story? Last month he was an investment banker." --Jay Leno

"Of course, everyone's talking about Joe the plumber now. John McCain mentioned Joe the plumber last night 21 times. Yeah, experts are already comparing it to the 2004 debate, when President Bush wouldn't shut up about Larry the Cable Guy." --Conan O'Brien

"How many of you saw the debate last night from Hofstra out there on Long Island. Anybody see? I wanna tell you, it was a different John McCain, wasn't it? He was electric. He electrified the crowd. And afterwards, Cloris Leachman tossed him her hotel key." --David Letterman

Steve West | October 24, 2008
"Remember John Kerry? He ran for president and didn’t do that well. He’s being criticized for telling a joke about John McCain wearing adult diapers. How dare you, sir! That’s my job! Knock it off, Kerry! I’ll tell the McCain diaper jokes; you stick with losing elections to the least popular president ever in the history of America." --Craig Ferguson"

"This week, the McCain campaign brought the newest charge [on screen: Anderson Cooper reporting that McCain and Palin have 'raised the S word']. Oh, no, you didn't! Which one? Scallyawag? Scoundrel? Salsa dancer? Superman? I'll tell you what. I will write down the S word I think the McCain campaign called Barack Obama, and then we will see if I am right [on screen: McCain and Palin saying Obama's policies are socialist] ... I was going to go with sheep-fucker." --Jon Stewart

Steve West | November 1, 2008
"They say that recently, on a campaign bus trip, John McCain actually snubbed Sarah Palin on the bus trip. But now listen, to be fair, here's what actually happened. She was busy on the bus trip, in the rear, out the window, shooting squirrels." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, in Washington, I don't know if you heard about this, the Secret Service arrested a man who climbed over the White House fence. True story, yeah. Yeah, the Secret Service told the man, 'Get back here, Mr. President. You have two more months.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Think about it. Just six days from today, we'll know for sure exactly which candidate will be suing the other for voter fraud." --Jay Leno

Steve West | November 1, 2008
"The infomercial was very well done. I especially liked the end, where Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud." --Jay Leno

"And Republicans now say that the $150,000 worth of clothes they bought for Sarah Palin will probably go to a charity. Charity, is that a good idea? Isn't that kind of counterproductive? I mean, you're going to give a homeless woman your spare change when she's wearing a Dolce & Gabbana jacket and Jimmy Choo shoes?" --Jay Leno

"And did you hear what happened down in Washington, DC, earlier today? Guards had to wrestle and apprehend an intruder who was trying to jump over the White House fence. Nice try, Hillary." --David Letterman

"God! The dotcom thing is killing inspirational speech! 'I have a dream! For more on my dream, go to www.MartinLutherKing.org/mountaintop.'" --Jon Stewart

"Joe the plumber was supposed to appear at a John McCain rally today, but didn't show up. Yeah. So, apparently, the guy really is a plumber." --Conan O'Brien

"Obama is ahead in every major poll. One online gambling site has him as a seven to one favorite to win. They're saying the only way Obama could lose this election right now is if they made him bowl for it." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The governor of California is the actor and former body builder, Arnold Schwarzenegger. He announced that he opposes Proposition 8. Proposition 8 is the proposition in California that would ban gay marriage. ... Arnold also opposes Proposition 14, which would require all Governors of California to speak some English." --Jimmy Kimmel

Scott Hardie | November 6, 2008
Understanding the Election Map

Lori Lancaster | November 6, 2008
[hidden by request]

Steve West | November 6, 2008
"According to recent news reports, Bill Clinton has now become an adviser to Barack Obama. Bill Clinton is giving advice to Barack Obama. Do you know who is really upset about this? Michelle Obama." --Jay Leno

"Did you get any of those annoying robo calls? You know, those phone call recorded messages from the candidates. I got them all weekend. I even got one from Ralph Nader's campaign. Turns out it wasn't recorded. It was Ralph calling personally from a pay phone." --Jay Leno.

"Who are the real winners in this election? Don't ask me. Ask Joe the Plumber's agent." -- Stephen Colbert

Steve West | November 6, 2008
Borowitz Report:

Failure to Blow Election Stuns Democrats

Steve West | November 7, 2008
"Hey, did I call it or what? Six months ago I predicted Ralph Nader would come in third. Did I call it?" --Jay Leno

"See, I got to admit, as a comedian, I'm gonna miss President Bush. Because Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about. He doesn't give you a lot to go on. See, this is why God gave us Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"And in what has to be one of the most ridiculous moments yesterday, it looks like convicted Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska has won re-election. How does that make the guy who lost feel, huh? What's that concession speech like? 'We gave it our best, but the voters preferred a convicted, 84-year-old felon.'" --Jay Leno

"All the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 last night, except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago." --Conan O'Brien

"Bush invited Obama to come visit him at the White House, which was a nice thing to do. He wants to show him, I guess, the presidential tree house and teach him how to turn the Oval Office couch cushions into a fort." --Jimmy Kimmel

Steve West | November 17, 2008
"It was on this in day in 1789 that Benjamin Franklin said those famous words, 'In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. Death and taxes, which ironically, were the Secret Service code names for John McCain and Barack Obama." -Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney and Fred Thompson went on a luxury cruise this week to try and come up with a plan to revive the Republican party, and to get it more in touch with average Americans. Hey, I got an idea, how about no more luxury cruises?" -Jay Leno

"In Washington, D.C., today, Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden a tour of the vice president's living quarters. Yeah, afterwards, Biden said he loves the house, but he'll probably turn the dungeon back into a rec room." --Conan O'Brien

Steve West | November 20, 2008
"Cold here in New York City today, so cold that Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on mittens." --David Letterman

"How about that Sarah Palin? A lot of people said, what will happen to her when she goes back to being the governor of Alaska? Don't worry: book deal, $7 million. She got it through a guy named Joe the Publisher." --David Letterman

"Seven million dollars. So maybe now she can afford her own clothing." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama says one of his top priorities once he becomes president is closing down Guantanamo Bay. To make sure it closes, he's going to turn it into a bank." --Jay Leno

"Happy birthday, convicted Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska, 85 years old. He didn't get any gifts. At least, he didn't report any." --Jay Leno

Steve West | November 24, 2008
"The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money." --Jay Leno

"The annual People magazine 'World's Sexiest Man' issue is on the stands today. Hugh Jackman, 'sexiest man alive.' But this is odd -- Al Franken is demanding a recount." --David Letterman

"But there are some nice aspects during the transition period. For example, the Bush twins gave the Obama girls a tour of the White House. It was very sweet, but the Obama girls got really scared because they heard creepy organ music coming from Cheney's underground lair." --David Letterman

"I've got an idea. How about this idea? Instead of giving $25 billion to the car companies, give it to us, with the provision it can only be used to buy a Corvette. They get the money, everybody back to work, and we all get a new car!" --Jay Leno

"Officials in Missouri have finally finished counting the presidential ballots, and they say that John McCain won that state. As a result, Sarah Palin now thinks she's the Vice President of Missouri." --Conan O'Brien

Steve West | November 25, 2008
"According to some statistics the government released yesterday, Mexican immigration to the United States has dropped 42 percent over the last two years. And you have to hand it to President Bush, he knew that the way to stop people from sneaking into the country, it's not to build a fence or a wall, it's to make this country very undesirable. Most illegal immigrants come here to make money, but now we don't have any money anymore. That's Number 43 for you, always thinking ahead." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The three auto companies in the United States, they're all scrambling to come up with a plan, some way to reinvent themselves. Well this week Ford did its part. Ford unveiled a new hybrid, the Ford Fusion, which will get almost 40 miles to the gallon. Isn't that amazing? Yeah, and when asked how much it would cost, a spokesman for Ford said, '$25 billion.' They just want that money; they don't care. That's without mud flaps." --Conan O'Brien

"You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It's bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They're laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain." --David Letterman

"U.N. officials said today they desperately need $7 billion to help people cope with disasters, but they're having a hard time getting people to send rescue money. Here's what the UN should do: Invest in bad mortgages, run a bank into the ground, give yourself a bonus, get some spa treatments and, in no time, the government will send you $750 billion." --Jay Leno

Steve West | December 3, 2008
"Today was the big day for online shopping. This is known as Cyber Monday. Did you know that? And of course, tomorrow is Identity Theft Tuesday." --Jay Leno

"Well, they said today during her confirmation hearings, Republicans could force her to answer a lot of embarrassing questions about Bill Clinton's financial affairs. To which Hillary said, 'What kind of affairs? Financial? Oh, no problem!'" --Jay Leno

"In political news, President-elect Barack Obama has named Hillary Clinton as his secretary of state. I am no political expert. I don't pretend to know much about international affairs, but speaking strictly as a late-night talk show host, a Clinton back in office? Yes!" --Jay Leno

"And this week, they will flip the switch on the White House Christmas tree, which has over 25,000 lights on it, one light for every CEO that's looking for a bailout." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's something kind of embarrassing for President Bush. This is true. This year, the White House Hanukkah cards they sent out were sent out with a Christmas tree on the front. ... It was very funny. And President Bush, very embarrassed by this. He said all the cards will be pulled and all of his Jewish friends will get a new card with a picture of the Hanukkah bunny. I think he's still a little confused." --Jay Leno

Steve West | December 7, 2008
"And the space shuttle 'Endeavour' landed in California on Sunday. To show you how bad the economy is, the astronauts were charged 15 bucks a bag. Can you believe that?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush has less than two months left before he two-steps back to Texas for some serious brush-clearing time. But the president sat down with Charles Gibson of ABC for an interview that aired tonight. Surprisingly, he admitted to some mistakes. He said he was unprepared for how long and how difficult the Iraq war would be, and that he shouldn't have gone to war based on reports that Iraq had WMDs without first asking what WMD stood for." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, President Bush is opening up a little bit. He gave an interview to ABC News. Bush said he wished the intelligence on Iraq had been different. Hey, how many wish the intelligence in the White House had been different?" --Jay Leno

"Well, a lot of Wall Street experts are saying there are incredible bargains right now in the stock markets. This is a good time to buy. Oh, it's a great time to buy, yeah. Like kind of after a huge car crash, there are auto parts laying all around. Same thing." --Jay Leno

"President Bush and his lovely wife Laura have purchased a new home in Dallas, Texas, worth $2 million. See, this is where President Bush has outsmarted everybody. People underestimate this guy. Five months ago, you would have had to pay $10 million bucks for that house, but thanks to his economic plan, he got it at a bargain. The man is a genius!" --Jay Leno

"How does that work when the president applies for a home loan? Like, when they do a credit check, do they include the trillion-dollar deficit?" --Jay Leno

"In fact, do you know what the highest-paying line of work is in America right now? Jury duty." --Jay Leno

Steve West | December 10, 2008
"Some bad economic news today. They estimate more than a half a million Americans lost their jobs last month. Unemployment is now at 6.7 percent, that is the highest since 1993. In layman's terms, that means almost one in ten Americans know what it's like to be K-Fed." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The runoff in the Georgia Senate race was won this week by Saxby Chambliss, who is the incumbent Republican senator and not, as I believed, an obscure font." --Amy Poehler

"The head of Regal Entertainment says as the recession gets worse, more people are coming to the movies. Because nothing helps you forget your troubles like a $5 Sprite" --Seth Meyers

"It looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who ran against him for president. You've got Joe Biden, he got vice president. Hillary Clinton, secretary of state, Bill Richardson, he ran against him, he got commerce secretary. And today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next year's White House Christmas party." --Jay Leno

"How about this Barack Obama, President-elect Barack Obama. Bush ought to take his last two months worth of paychecks and give them to Barack Obama, because he's working harder than the President. He's come up with a great initiative to create 2.5 million jobs for Americans. Kind of the catch is we all have to move to China." --David Letterman

Jackie Mason | December 12, 2008
[hidden by request]

Steve West | December 13, 2008
I completely agree, Jackie.

"Latest rumor in Washington is that President-elect Barack Obama may open up trade with Cuba. This is great news for anyone looking to buy a black-and-white television." --Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's Top Ten Messages Left on Rod Blagojevich's Answering Machine

10. For 10 grand can you make me Pope?
9. Hello, is this the Blog-o-bloga-a-da-go-bl-vipivh residence?
8. Hi, it's O.J. Wanna be cellmates?
7. Oh, I'm sorry, I think I have the wrong Blagojevich.
6. Hi, it's Larry Craig -- did I hear something about a Senator's seat being available?
5. I'm calling about your Senate seat on Craigslist. Want to trade for a futon?
4. Hey, it's Cheney -- Damn even I think you're sleazy.
3. You really Blagojevich'd your political career.
2. I'm guessing you didn't spend the bribe money on that haircut.
1. It's Sarah Palin. Thanks for replacing me as the country's most embarrassing governor

"Now, perhaps the toughest thing for Governor Blagojevich is that today, December 10, is his birthday. ... First, indicted Senator Ted Stevens loses the Alaska election recount on his birthday. And now this. In fact, Hallmark has come up with a new category of cards birthdays/federal indictments. I've got one right here. 'Hey, you're not over the hill, you're in federal custody!' Big sellers." --Stephen Colbert

"Big news from Washington today. Even though it may make some people uncomfortable, President-elect Obama says he'll use his full name, Barack Hussein Obama, when he's sworn in next month. To show support, Joe Biden is also using his full name, Joseph Adolph Fidel Puppykiller Biden." --Craig Ferguson

Jackie Mason | December 13, 2008
[hidden by request]

Steve West | December 20, 2008
"Time magazine reports that Governor Blagojevich has an approval rating 4%. That's with a margin of error of 5%. That means he could actually disapprove of himself." --Jay Leno

"Today, President Bush told reporters that the shoe-throwing incident was one of the weirdest moments of his presidency. Yeah, Bush said the only thing weirder was the time he got re-elected." --Conan O'Brien

"People are still discussing the shoe-throwing incident at our president. ... It was reported today that the Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at President Bush had his arm broken when security subdued him. And even worse, it was his shoe-throwing arm. That guy is out for the season." --Conan O'Brien

"George Bush is over there in Baghdad saying goodbye to the troops, and this Iraqi journalist heaves a couple shoes at the President. And we thought, hopefully that's just a one-of-a-kind episode. Unfortunately, however, the news coming out of the Middle East is that Iran is developing a long-range loafer." --David Letterman

Steve West | December 25, 2008
"Barack Obama is on vacation in Hawaii right now. And today many newspapers carried pictures of a shirtless Obama playing in the ocean. Did you see that? Yeah. So as you're thinking of things to be thankful for this holiday, remember, that could have been a shirtless John McCain." --Conan O'Brien

"It was so cold in Alaska, somebody is putting chapstick on a pig." --Jay Leno

"You folks around the country probably know this, but here in New York City it's freezing cold. It's so cold today that that Bernie Madoff is actually looking forward to burning in hell." --David Letterman

"In a recent interview, President Bush says that he's already begun thinking about his farewell speech. Yeah, which means he's only two years behind most Americans." --Conan O'Brien

Steve West | January 8, 2009
"And in an interview over the weekend, President Bush revealed that he has a prized collection of over 250 autographed baseballs, which would be very impressive if he were 10." --Jay Leno

"I'm honored to have been appointed the new junior senator from the state of Illinois. Thank you very much. Funny thing is, I'm still writing 2008 on the checks I sent to Governor Blagojevich." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President-elect Barack Obama and his family made the move from Chicago to Washington, D.C., over the weekend, so their daughters, Malia and Sasha, could start school with the other kids coming back from break. They're enrolled in the Sidwell Friends School, which is a very exclusive private school. Chelsea Clinton went there, and to give you an idea of how exclusive it is, someone got ahold of the school lunch menu. Now this for real. One day menu's, local pumpkin and sage soup, salad du jour, Caesar salad, chopped salad, spaghetti and meatballs, roasted butternut squash [on screen: a copy of the menu]. Disgusting, really disgusting stuff. No one would feed to that kind of garbage to their children. And while that might seem like a bit much for a bunch of 6-, 7- and 8-year old kids, I was actually looking through their wine list this morning and it's very reasonably priced. What would you recommend with Funyons, a Chablis?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, let me know what you think of this. George Herbert Walker Bush says that his son, Jeb, would make a great president. And I’m thinking, a third Bush in the White House. Boy, cut me a slice of that, you know?" --David Letterman

"George Bush Sr. recently said he'd like his son Jeb to be president, but that right now is a bad time for him to run. When asked what a good time would be, Bush Sr. said, 'Eight years ago.'" --Conan O'Brien

Steve West | January 13, 2009
"Earlier today, President-elect Barack Obama had lunch at the White House with all the living U.S. presidents. Obama called the meeting an 'extraordinary gathering.' In a related story, John McCain had lunch at Quiznos." --Conan O'Brien

"This is interesting [on screen: a photo of Obama, shirtless in Hawaii]. This is a picture of Barack Obama vacationing in Hawaii over the holidays. He was coming out of a gym, and got a lot of attention because I don't know that any of us have ever seen a president's nipples before." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But Sanjay Gupta says if he becomes the surgeon general the first thing he wants to do is warn people about one thing — the Regis Philbin show in high def. He said it could cause nausea and headaches." --David Letterman

"Vice President-elect Joe Biden is already getting acquainted with his new responsibility as Vice President. And he's starting every afternoon at 3:00. He picks up Sasha and Malia from school." --David Letterman

Jackie Mason | February 6, 2009
[hidden by request]

Samir Mehta | February 6, 2009
[hidden by request]

Amy Austin | February 6, 2009
That was my favorite line, too!

Tony Peters | February 12, 2009
Colbert about Glen Beck

Tony Peters | March 4, 2009
a final farewell

Jackie Mason | March 5, 2009
[hidden by request]