New Rules

Michael Paul Cote | December 12, 2005
A friend sent me these so I thought I'd share:

1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

2. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found ! in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have
voted to keep it alive.

3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I
have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

4. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are
keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

5. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

6. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

7. New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger
label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out
how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

8. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a
"decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot,
gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

9. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing
"Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've
just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

10. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

11. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called
"The Howard Stern Show."

12. New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

13. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

14. New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

15. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

16. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

Scott Horowitz | December 12, 2005
Thanks Mike, I needed that Chuckle today

Amy Austin | December 13, 2005
Bill Maher rules.

Scott Hardie | December 20, 2005
New Rule: If you're a Salvation Army worker and for some reason I want to talk to you after a long day at work when I'm just trying to pick up some groceries, I will. If I put some cash in the bucket and walk away, it doesn't mean I want to hear your life story. And please, if you do stop to tell me about the time you saw the Cubs win the Series, stop ringing the bell while you stand two feet in front of me. There might be a reason you're deaf and I'm not.

New Rule: I live in this apartment, you know. Don't pull into the parking space in front of my windows and sit there with your headlights on for two minutes while I'm trying to enjoy a movie in the dark. Would you like it if I kept a floodlight aimed out the window and turned it on when you pulled in?

(Anybody else want to contribute some?)

Jackie Mason | December 23, 2005
[hidden by request]

Michael Paul Cote | December 23, 2005
New Rule:

If you are going to drive like a f--king NASCAR driver, get the stupid decals all over your car so that those of us stupid enough not to recognize you without them can get out of the way.

Jackie Mason | December 25, 2005
[hidden by request]

Amy Austin | December 27, 2005
Not that new -- started seeing it on the West Coast a few years ago. Doesn't seem very prudent to me, but then again...

The car that I wrecked in September had a prior accident (from shortly after we purchased it!) where E had opened the driver side door into a pile of rebar situated nearby, resulting in a nice sized hole that went all the way through the door! We were pissed about it, of course, but when we started seeing these decals, we laughed that we should get some to camouflage our boo-boo (which was just taped over until we could replace the door). Heh... now we don't have to worry about it. We just have to replace the whole car.

Scott Hardie | December 30, 2005
New Rule: If you run a buffet, your wait staff has to cover all tables equally, since you probably have them sharing all tips equally too. Your regular customers, who can be quite generous with their tips considering they have to fill their own damn plates, do not enjoy sitting there with empty glasses waiting for their assigned waiter to return while the other waiters stand around chatting in Mandarin and ignoring them. If the tip is based on service, and your customers don't get served...

Kris Weberg | January 2, 2006
New Rule: If you drive a Hummer to work, you're either a soldier in Iraq. or you're an asshole in America.

David Mitzman | January 4, 2006
New Rule: If you list a 2 bedroom apartment for rent, it does not mean it's a 1 bedroom that has the potential to be CONVERTED to a 2 bedroom.