Social Not Working

Scott Hardie | October 2, 2015
Is it bad manners to ignore an invitation without responding?

Is it bad manners to cancel after you have accepted an invitation?

Is it bad manners not to show up to something at all without canceling, after you have accepted an invitation?

Lately I've had a lot of trouble with friends doing all three. I don't fully grasp why the problem is so widespread, but I've read thinkpieces speculating about how the ubiquity of social connections over the Internet and the ability to make plans with anybody at any time has really damaged people's appreciation for commitments, especially in a younger generation that didn't get used to making plans offline.

I was raised that it's impolite to do any of the above, so I try to keep my commitments unless I absolutely have to cancel. I have no doubt let somebody down at some point, to my regret.

When my friends don't or can't make it to a gathering, I forgive them, especially those who had good reasons. I just wish it didn't happen so often lately.

Steve West | October 3, 2015
Many occasions rely on the knowledge of the number of guests (re: chairs, quantity of food, alcohol or not, number of guys v. girls, etc.). So, yes, it's rude for all of the scenarios you described as well as not responding at all and then showing up anyway. Like you, I tend to forgive these little rudenesses but nevertheless, they are rude.

Scott Hardie | October 5, 2015
I have recently come to think that I must be really bad at reading people. When people say, "let's get together sometime," I can't tell who's being sincere and wants an invitation, and who's just trying to be polite and wants nothing more than small talk. I'm the consistent element all of these failed interactions, so the problem must be me, right? But then, even after someone has ignored or declined or bailed on an invitation, and I assume that I must have misread them and thus resolve not to invite them again, they spontaneously reach out to me to say that they really do want to get together, so I try inviting them again and the same thing happens twice. If this was one person, I wouldn't think much of it, but this has happened with so many people in the last couple of years that I'm getting pretty frustrated.

Part of the problem might be my hobby of board games and card games. It's a social activity that anyone can be invited to participate in, and people like the idea of playing, so if it comes up in conversation, they get excited and ask to try a particular title. But in reality, it has a somewhat nerdy stigma about it, and you often have to do it at a stranger or acquaintance's house which can be creepy, so people don't follow through once actually invited. I do all kinds of activities with friends, but as long as this remains one of them, I suspect the problem will continue.

Samir Mehta | October 5, 2015
[hidden by request]

Scott Hardie | October 6, 2015
Oh, shoot. I didn't mean to bring that up from years ago. It's ancient history, long since forgiven to the degree that it even needed forgiveness. :-)

I hear you about society changing, because I read articles about it all the time: We Americans work crazy hours and have no free time any more. In fact, I'm only free to write this because tonight's Gothic Earth game was canceled due to several players having to work all night. We're able to be connected anywhere any time, so that means work follows us wherever we go and the workday never really stops.

I hope this doesn't sound too out of touch and privileged that I even get a choice in the matter, but I want no part of that. The world is going crazy and I want off before it gets there. In my twenties, I worked very long hours climbing the corporate ladder, and I know now in my thirties that the stress and lack of any life beyond work are absolutely not worth the money and pride and whatever else I thought I was getting out of the bargain. I specifically sought and obtained a job where I work approximately 40 hours a week and don't have much stress doing it, barring an occasional production failure or overnight product launch a couple of times per year. I insist on compartmentalizing: When I'm on the job, I never check Funeratic or Facebook or do anything else personal, beyond a rare phone call to book a doctor appointment or something. But when I leave the job, I tune out completely and do not check email or give the job any of my attention until I'm back at my desk, unless I'm called with an emergency. This behavior limits my opportunities for promotion, but that's ok, because I want it to.

I can't say for certain how many of the people I've had trouble inviting have professional or personal obligations keeping them from work, but from what I know of them, probably not much. Still, good point about how culture is forcing a change.