Welcome to the Jungle

Scott Hardie | June 4, 2005
If we wanted to name the worst jobs in the world, our list might include such undignified labor as roadkill removal technician, five dollar ho, and Guantanamo Bay prison spokesperson. But I submit a new entry for the list: Amazon.com movie reviewer.

You see, Amazon exists to sell product. You can't pan something you're trying to sell. You can't even claim that "it's so bad it's good." What happens when the movie is universally regarded as a god-awful disaster? What kind of acrobatics does it take to spin the wretched mess into something saleable? Enter the dreary world of the poor Amazon.com movie reviewer:

If you have a hearty appetite for fiery explosions, heavy ordnance, and nonsensical mayhem, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is just for you.

The animated pooch detective returns in Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, which . . . [is] no better or worse than the first Scooby Doo movie.

Many critics called Gigli one of the worst movies ever made, but their condemnation isn't entirely justified.

A sensory assault of dazzling colors, senseless action, and lavish sets run amok, Batman & Robin offers an overdose of eye candy.

Surviving Christmas has . . . some moments of bracing dark comedy and genuine empathy, mostly thanks to James Gandolfini and Catherine O'Hara as the parents--two superb actors who could breathe life into any banal script.

Son of the Mask is a frantic sequel tailor-made for short attention spans.

As another entry in the video-game-to-movie genre, Alone in the Dark certainly delivers in terms of its splattering gore and number of things that get shot or blown up with the kind of arsenal familiar to any fan of games that allow the player to shoot or blow things up.

Jane Fonda is fierce, funny, and ready to rumble as the title character in Monster-in-Law in a way that the rest of the film itself never really is.

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle is a big, fun, bubble-brained mess of a movie, and that's exactly as it should be.

Garfield is a terrible movie, yet there's something weirdly compelling in its awfulness.