How Men Cope with Being Cast as Predators

Anna Gregoline | September 13, 2007
Avoiding Kids: How Men Cope With Being Cast as Predators

September 6, 2007

These days, if Rian Romoli accidentally bumps into a child, he quickly raises his hands above his shoulders. "I don\'t want to give even the slightest indication that any inadvertent touching occurred," says Mr. Romoli, an economist in La Cañada Flintridge, Calif.

Ted Wallis, a doctor in Austin, Texas, recently came upon a lost child in tears in a mall. His first instinct was to help, but he feared people might consider him a predator. He walked away. "Being male," he explains, "I am guilty until proven innocent."

In San Diego, retiree Ralph Castro says he won\'t allow himself to be alone with a child -- even in an elevator.

Last month, I wrote about how our culture teaches children to fear men. Hundreds of men responded, many lamenting that they\'ve now become fearful of children. They said they avert their eyes when kids are around, or think twice before holding even their own children\'s hands in public.


Frank McEnulty, a builder in Long Beach, Calif., was once a Boy Scout scoutmaster. "Today, I wouldn\'t do that job for anything," he says. "All it takes is for one kid to get ticked off at you for something and tell his parents you were acting weird on the campout."

It\'s true that men are far more likely than women to be sexual predators. But our society, while declining to profile by race or nationality when it comes to crime and terrorism, has become nonchalant about profiling men. Child advocates are advising parents never to hire male babysitters. Airlines are placing unaccompanied minors with female passengers.

Child-welfare groups say these precautions minimize risks. But men\'s rights activists argue that our societal focus on "bad guys" has led to an overconfidence in women. (Children who die of physical abuse are more often victims of female perpetrators, usually mothers, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.)

Though groups that cater to the young are working harder to identify predators, they also ask that risks be kept in perspective. Big Brothers Big Sisters of America does criminal background checks on each of its 250,000 volunteers, and has social workers assess them. Since 1990, the group says, it has had fewer than 10 abuse allegations per year. More than 98% of the alleged abusers were male.

"If we wanted to make sure we never had a problem, one approach would be to just become Big Sisters -- to say we won\'t serve boys," says Mack Koonce, the group\'s chief operating officer. But, of course, that would deny hundreds of thousands of boys contact with male mentors.

The Boy Scouts of America now has elaborate rules to prevent both abuse and false accusations. There are 1.2 million Scout leaders, and the organization kicks out about 175 of them a year over abuse allegations or for violating policies.


These policies can be intricate. For instance, four adult leaders are needed for each outing. If a sick child must go home, two adults drive him and two stay with the others, so no adult is ever alone with a Scout. "It\'s protection for the adults, as well as the children," says a Scouts spokesman.

The result of all this hyper-carefulness, however, is that men often feel like untouchables. In Cochranville, Pa., Ray Simpson, a bus driver, says that he used to have 30 kids stop at his house on Halloween. But after his divorce, with people knowing he was a man living alone, he had zero visitors. "I felt like crying at the end of the evening," he says.

At Houston Intercontinental Airport, businessman Mitch Reifel was having a meal with his 5-year-old daughter when a policeman showed up to question him. A passerby had reported his interactions with the child seemed "suspicious."

In Skokie, Ill., Steve Frederick says the director of his son\'s day-care center called him in to reprimand him for "inappropriately touching the children." "I was shocked," he says. "Whatever did she mean?" She was referring to him reading stories with his son and other kids on his lap. A parent had panicked when her child mentioned sitting on a man\'s lap.

"Good parenting and good education demand that we let children take risks," says Mr. Frederick, a career coach. "We install playground equipment, putting them at risk of falls and broken bones. Why? We want them to challenge themselves and develop muscles and confidence.

"Likewise, while we don\'t want sexual predators to harm our kids, we do want our kids to develop healthy relationships with adults, both men and women. Instilling a fear of men is a profound disservice to everyone."

Write to Jeffrey Zaslow at jeffrey.zaslow@wsj.com


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Denise Sawicki | September 13, 2007
That's a good article. My husband and his brother are really into the men's rights stuff. I know, a lot of people think "men's rights" is a dirty word but I guess I don't, I have a weird perspective on things perhaps.
Here's an ad along the same lines that's been annoying a lot of people lately.

Lori Lancaster | September 13, 2007
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Anna Gregoline | September 13, 2007
I agree, Lori. It's pretty messed up. I've even heard reports of some male teachers having trouble getting jobs with young kids because of this culture of fear.

Tony Peters | September 13, 2007
fear men....kinda funny actually when I lived in Hawaii we had an old mens time at the local skatepark (T-Th night-Sun Morning)...I was the youngest at 36 with a few in their high 50s low 60's. Funny thing was here were 20 -30 guys many of whom were retired pro skateboarders or surfers (or both) skating (not drinking or doing anything remotely illegal) in a public skatepark on a weekday evening and we get 8-10 cars full of Honolulu's finest to show up because some woman freaked at watching her little junior get tutored on how to properly skate (read as not get hurt or be in the way) a large park with a lot of people who know what they are doing. We were reported to the police as a gang which was pretty funny considering the wide and varied make up of our group. At first we are all told to sit on the ground outside the skatepark (at gunpoint) and then one officer starts asking for our ID. Which then means that one by one we each have to be escorted to our bags inside the skatepark where we have all left them (because no one skateboards with a wallet) in addition to having our bags searched. It took about 20 minute for them to get through all of us and by the time it was over they realized that they had interrupted a completely innocent gathering of normal people including an off duty Fireman, 2 members of the North Shore lifeguards, a number of prominent businessman, a newspaper reporter and a city councilman. What they didn't find was any drugs, alcohol, weapons and surprisingly given the number of retired pro skateboarders and surfers outstanding warrants. The reporter did an article on the paranoia of out of state homeowners in the rich neighborhoods and the city councilman had the police make a presence 3 days a week on every old guy session just to allay the fears of stupid haole's.

Dave Stoppenhagen | September 14, 2007
A lot of people let fear rule them and look for perversions when there is nothing there, I've heard of Grandparents threatening to call child services on their child for tossing the grand child in the air and catching them.

Jackie Mason | September 14, 2007
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Scott Hardie | June 17, 2010
I'm glad I remembered this article, so I could share it with a woman I know. She wrote on Facebook that her son's day care now has a male teacher on staff, saying that she was worried and wondered if she should take her son elsewhere. Her other Facebook friends encouraged her to do so! I told her that she may need to do it anyway to put her mind at ease, but what a shame that things have gotten this way in society. We encourage men to be nurturing caregivers at home, but assume the worst when they act that way in public. Too bad that the day care center fair enough to hire both genders is going to lose business over it.