And Then the Fight Started...

Amy Austin | August 31, 2008
Meant to start this the same day as Dem Party Crashers, when I got this humorous e-mail, but...
(well, better late than never, anyway, right?)

In the same spirit as Scott's "walked into a bar" jokes, feel free to get creative/inspired and add your own rendition... ;-) Enjoy!

Amy Austin | August 31, 2008
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair...
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

Amy Austin | August 31, 2008
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring
at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked,' Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

Amy Austin | August 31, 2008
I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said,

'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

Lori Lancaster | August 31, 2008
[hidden by request]

Tony Peters | August 31, 2008
yeah that had me worried as a lead in

Steve West | August 31, 2008
A man was on an airplane. Sitting next to him was a male passenger with a huge black eye.
"What's the story behind the shiner?", he asked to pass the time.
"You know that rather large breasted ticketing agent back there at the terminal? Well, I got so distracted that I asked her for one picket to Tittsburg and this was the result."
"Funny, a similar thing happened to me this morning with my wife," he explained showing a shiner of his own.
"I meant to say 'please pass the butter' but instead it came out, 'You ruined my life, you bitch!"

And then the fight started...

Amy Austin | August 31, 2008
Lori & Tony: Did you read the three posts before that???

Steve: Nice. ;-)

Steve West | August 31, 2008
Two idiots were digging a ditch in the sweltering heat complaining to each other about their unfair working conditions. They were compelled to work hard while their supervisor was watching them from under a beach umbrella at the top of the ditch. They called up to the supervisor to explain the inequality of their respective working conditions. He told one to climb the ladder out of the ditch because it would be easier to show him than to tell him.
After climbing the ladder, the first ditch digger was taken to a nearby brick wall where the supervisor placed his own hand against it.
"Now punch my hand as hard as you can," he instructed.
The ditch digger was happy to comply. With a mighty swing he punched his fist straight into the wall right after the supervisor had deftly pulled his hand away.
"Now go down there and explain to your loud-mouthed friend why I'm up here and you two knuckleheads are down there."
After climbing back down into the ditch he grimaced and told his friend that it would be easier to show him rather than tell him the explanation.
He put his hand up in front of his face and said, "You see that shovel over there?"

And then the fight started...

Aaron Shurtleff | August 31, 2008
Let me try...I'll censor out the worst parts...

So, a fine young lady is in a bar, sitting on her stool, enjoying a tequila sunrise, when an obviously drunk man falls into the stool next to her. He looks up at her blearily, and says, "Holy [POOP]! You've got the nicest pair of [BREASTS] I've ever seen! I just wanna lick 'em!" The young lady is quite enraged, and she says, "Hey! You see that big guy over there playing pool? The one who looks like an NFL linebacker? That's my boyfriend, and if you keep bothering me, he's going to kick your [BUTTOCKS]!" The man says, "I'm sorry, ma'am. Look at me, I am so [PEE] drunk, I don't know what I'm saying. I'm sorry. I'll just finish my beer, and leave. Sorry.", and he returns to his drink.

A few minutes later, he puts his beer down, let's loose a big belch, and leers out the corner of his eye and the young lady. He suddenly belts out, "You've got the best [REAR END]! I'd love to take you home and spank the everlovin' [POOP] outta you!" The lady is quite upset. "Sir! I told you before I was going to tell my boyfriend you were bothering me, and I'm going right now, and he's going to beat you so hard, your mama's going to [URINATING] blood for a week!" The man puts his hand on her shoulder, and says, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I don't want no trouble. I'm leaving right now. I apologize again. I'm sorry. I'm going to the restroom, and I'm leaving. Sorry again. Alcohol is a horrible mistress. I'm sorry.", and the drunkard gets up and leaves.

Five minutes later, just as our young lady was finishing up her drink, the same drunk guy staggers up to her, belching horrible stale beer breath in her face, says to her "You are absolutely the most beautiful lady in here! I want to take you home and fill your [FEMALE NAUGHTY PARTS] with beer, and drink all night!" The lady pushes the drunk away, and runs over to the pool tables.

"Honey!", she said, "You see that drunk guy over there? He said he wants to take me home and lick my [BREASTS]!!!" The man shouts, "WHAT?!?", and breaks the pool cue over his knee. "I'm going to kill him!!" "That's not all!" the young lady cries, "He also said I had a great [REAR END] he wanted to take me home and spank me!" The man screams, "WHAT THE [FORNICATION]?! I'LL RIP HIS [TESTICLES] OFF AND SHOVE THEM DOWN HIS THROAT!", and he grabs the 8 ball of the table, and crushes it to dust in his big, meaty grip! "Baby, you haven't even heard the worst part!" the young lady interjected, "He also said he wanted to take me home and fill my [FEMALE NAUGHTY PARTS] with beer and drink it!" The man filled with rage, his face turned bright red, and he...

sat down and started to drink his beer. The young lady was confused and angry. "Aren't you going to go over there and kick his [REAR END], baby?!" And the man calmly looked at her, and he said, "[POOP]! I ain't gonna [FORNICATE] with any mother-[FORNICATOR] that can drink that much!"

And then the fight started...

Tony Peters | August 31, 2008
Yes and then it made sense but the headline mixxed with the first line of text from the last post "I rear-ended a car this morning" and knowing the quality of New England drivers I was worried....then I was laughing my ass off

Steve West | August 31, 2008
A woman stepped out of the shower and typically complained about her small breasts. Rather than reassure his wife, as he typically did, he actually offered a suggestion.
"Take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts", he suggested, "they'll grow over a period of years."
Intrigued at the idea, she did as he suggested.
"How will this make my breasts larger?"
He replied, "I'm not sure, but it sure worked for your butt."

And then the fight started...

Steve West | September 1, 2008
The new guy at the office was standing in front of the paper shredder looking confused.
A more experienced employee asked if he needed help.
Grateful for the assistance, the new guy watched as he rapidly shredded the 200 page report he was holding.
"Is there anything else I can help you with?", he asked innocently.
The new guy replied, "Yeah, where do the copies come out?"

And then the fight started...

Lori Lancaster | September 1, 2008
[hidden by request]

Amy Austin | September 1, 2008
Yeah, I know my post was the last one... it was also the first and the last *four*!!! Surely it's not the first time that the last post in the discussion wasn't the only one you hadn't read -- and it was a brand new discussion! ;-p

No matter... as long as you're laughing now... ;-)

Steve West | September 25, 2008
A guy was having a quiet round of golf with his wife, when at a difficult hole, they both sliced their balls into a cow pasture. They went to look for them and while looking around the husband noticed one of the cows had something white at it’s rear end. He walked over, lifted it’s tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with his wife’s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.

Still holding the cow’s tail up, he yelled to his wife, ”Hey, this looks like yours!“

And then the fight started...