When Friends Offend

Jackie Mason | April 1, 2005
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Amy Austin | April 1, 2005
Wow. What a weird habit to pick up. And I'm assuming it *is* something that she just recently picked up, yes? I mean, has she *always* done that, or is it only now that you're "friends" she's letting that sort of thing show? If you've known her longer than this oddly demeaning (and yes, potentially *very* embarrassing) behavior, then where do you suppose it came from? I would really be curious to know. And as I was reading it -- before I even got to the "Pollack" comments -- I was thinking that would be a "funny" retort to get just such an inquiry started with her. It would probably catch her slightly off-guard, and without jumping down her throat (but it kind of sounds like you already did a little), you could engage her in a friendly discussion about why the blatant display of a lack of couth!

If this is really more of an "online friend", then that may be too subtle and nuanced an approach -- perhaps just calling her on it is best. But I would still want to know what gives -- maybe there's something deeper going on that she's just using humor (albeit badly) to cover up? I'm just not sure why else.

Amy Austin | April 1, 2005
And, of course, I had a funny Polish story to go with, but not sure that anyone would want to hear or appreciate. I was reminded of a very funny friend I had in high school -- who was Polish -- and regularly made fun of his own grand-parents as the paradigm of Polishness (they were *from* Poland). Things like, they had a nice modern refrigerator -- the kind that dispenses ice from the front, right into your glass -- but he would tell how his grandmother insisted on taking it from that dispenser with her hands and putting it into the glasses and then laugh at his "Pollack" heritage.

Maybe it wasn't all *that* funny, and maybe she had her own valid reasons (delicate glasses? particular about the amount of ice she takes??), but it was much funnier when he told it, and I think of him whenever I use that type of fridge now.

Jackie Mason | April 1, 2005
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Jackie Mason | April 2, 2005
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Jackie Mason | April 24, 2005
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Amy Austin | April 24, 2005
Why do you have this information -- did she tell you herself???

This is just me, but if I were you, I would politely see this thing the rest of the way through and then "lose touch" as quickly as possible. After all... this $400 you mention is already spent, yes? May as well give what remains of this outgrown friendship a good send-off. And besides... there's always the possibility that this girl will one day "grow up" and want to reach out to those who demonstrated true friendship.

Yes -- save yourself, Jackie... take your cue and exit stage right!!! But do it with as much grace as you can manage under the circumstances.

Jackie Mason | April 25, 2005
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Anna Gregoline | April 25, 2005
Jackie, please go to Indiebride.com for advice! There is soooo many good answers there for this stuff!

Jackie Mason | April 25, 2005
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Amy Austin | April 26, 2005
Hmm... I'd say that the dilemma of her as *your* bridesmaid is much more difficult! As hers, you can always back out with the excuse of low finances... although, personally, I find that rather cowardly. If you really feel so strongly about it that you wouldn't have her in your own wedding party, then I would tell her that it's the true reason you backed out of the bachelorette party, the reason you'd rather not be in her wedding now, and the reason that you would prefer her to bow out of yours.

Of course, this is all just one person's opinion -- and much easier said by an outsider. Indiebride.com, as Anna suggested, would be a fine place to seek out further advice... but be prepared for the possibility of an onslought of opinions from virtual strangers (not that you know me, but... *literally*) that may leave you feeling even more hostile and/or conflicted than you already may.

Anna Gregoline | April 26, 2005
True enough - but indiebride.com is a really awesome forum, with a ton of support. Make sure you register though, they're a little wary of "annoymous" postings because of a lot of trolls recently. You'll get a lot of love though, anyway. I think you're handling it well so far.

I think you're going to have to tell her the real reason you're backing out. It doesn't have to be a judgment - just that you feel uncomfortable with your new knowledge.

Jackie Mason | April 26, 2005
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Amy Austin | April 26, 2005
Ah... so you don't want her freaking out on you, stalker-style? Or you're just fed up. Or both? ;-D

Jackie Mason | April 26, 2005
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Amy Austin | April 26, 2005
Sounds to me like it would be much simpler that you should just grin and bear it for now. And then just "forget" her after the thank you notes! After all, how hard is it to "lose touch" with someone?!!! I do it all the time, without even trying!!! ;-D (Guess it's different if you talk pretty regularly/frequently, eh? Well, then... blame it on the "honeymoon"... phase... and make sure that it's a really long one! ;-D)