I'm thinking too hard about it. I'm letting my fears get the best of me. I need to relax and just deal with things from a position of confidence, not weakness.

Do you have any freaking idea how hard it is to change the way you think about things? People always tell you not to think about things the way you are, but you can't just change your thought process! There's more to worrying less than waking up in the morning and saying, "I'm going to worry less. Huzzah!" This is why my therapist is killing me (not literally, thanks!). I understand his point, and I know I'm doing it, but I can't just change. It's a process. I need to get the process moving. That's the hardest part, I think. Of course, it's easy to say the first step is the hardest when you haven't taken that first step, and you can't know what's to come. But, I think changing the way you react to the world is the hardest part. Or something...

I think I treat this blog as more of a personal diary/journal than anyone else. I wonder if everyone is bothered by that, but are too embarrassed for me to point it out. My own 800-lb. gorilla! Of course, worrying about pointless things is what I do best! And, now, of course (giving you a peek into my head), I'm worried that people will respond to this only because they think it's what I want. Like I am starved for attention, and this is a ploy to make people correspond with me. I can twist my stomach up in knots worrying about stupid crap like this, and anyone reading this would most likely be thinking, "Damn! I never would have thought of that if you hadn't said it, but now that you did..." Ah, well, unless Scott pulls the plug on this blog, your choices are read or ignore. Choose wisely, 'cause it won't get better than this!

I really need to learn to type properly. This two finger method is awkward! :(

The stuck song of the day is "Party All the Time" by Eddie Murphy. Why did he have to put out an album of songs? Why can I not forget? WHY?!?

I also had a Slayer song stuck in my head, but that might have to wait for tomorrow. Will it be "Angel of Death"? "Spill the Blood"? "South of Heaven"?? I'm not even sure! (But, I'd be leaning towards "Spill the Blood"!)


Four Replies to 10-VII-2006 or Thinking too hard

Scott Hardie | August 11, 2006
I'm not bothered that you use your blog as a personal diary. Isn't that what they're for?

Denise Sawicki | August 11, 2006
I like it too. I'm a sucker for reading anything personal. By the way, I wish I could get therapy that was actually helpful. I kind of gave up on it after a number of ridiculous experiences such as when I tried to get help with social anxiety and the therapist said I don't talk to him enough and I'm therefore too shy to be in counseling. Also, I have a huge anger problem. I don't think of myself as angry but everyone close to me does so that's what counts.

Aaron Shurtleff | August 11, 2006
If I knew what they (blogs) were for, I wouldn't have asked! I don't even know if there is any one purpose for blogs. They seem to run the full gamut...

As far as therapy, I'm not even sure it's helping me. It's tough to tell. My anger problem is (oddly enough) similar to yours, in that I only think I have it because everyone else says I do. That doesn't sit well with the therapist, who is big against me letting other people tell me how I feel! The latest theory is that I've spent so much time trying to suppress my emotions (for various reasons that would take too much out of me to go into) that I now can't tell how I feel. So, I'm essentially being told not to let other people tell me how I feel, even though I can't tell how I feel! I'm in the dark as to what to make of that! :) I just try to live my life as best I can. What else is there?

Ha! New song of the reply is "Can't Even Tell" by Soul Asylum. *grin* It's from Clerks, and it pretty much sums this up. I speak fluent music! :P

Amy Austin | August 11, 2006
I think we all have a tendency to "overthink"... especially when putting ourselves "out there" (i.e., in "permanent record" fashion, a la blog-form) -- I know *I* do!!! E and I have been asking each other for days now, "You gonna' start a blog?" "I don't know -- are you?" "I don't know... I keep thinking about it..." "Yeah, me too -- but I don't know what to say... people don't want to hear what I think!" "Yes, they do -- I do!" "I don't know." So now that I've finally started mine (we have yet to see if I will follow through with keeping it up), maybe he will follow suit? (BTW, we are both angry people and don't need each other to tell us... but we do need each other to keep it in check! And we've been in therapy off and on for a few months now... not sure how much good it's done us, but at least our marriage is on firmer ground... and that makes me very happy!)

So, keep on keeping on, bro -- blather and sing away... it's nice to get out of your own head and into someone else's every now and again -- I think *this* is the ultimate appeal of blogs!!!


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