I swear that lately, I feel like the proverbial snowball that inexorably turns into an avalanche. Yesterday, I was unloading the van of the last of the grass needed to complete the front yard landscaping. Only 170 square feet so it wouldn't take long. It was approaching dinner time so I decided to start the grill, load it with the roadkill du jour, and unload the van while they began their slow-cook. Hot dogs for the girls and Brenda and a couple of burgers for me. Unloading the van was a snap, no more than ten minutes. It's amazing how high and hot a fire can get in a closed cover grill in ten minutes. The cheap meat had dripped fat into the flames and started one hellacious greasefire. Hellacious is the right word 'cause I swore I saw Satan dancing in the flames poking my burger with his pitchfork, trying to coax one more drop of grease from my burger to increase the temperature of the fire by just one more degree. I shovelled the food aside and turned off the flame (the part I had control of anyway) and waited for the rest of the inferno to die out. When all was said and done, a couple of semi-recognizable hockey pucks remained and the hot dogs - well, you know those commercials that advertise that they plump when you cook 'em? Talk about your truth in advertising! Those sumbitches were thick as my forearm. Brenda wisely went to McDonald's and got Happy Meals for the girls. I refused to let Satan win and swore I liked my burgers char-broiled, emphasis on the char. I would have my own Happy Meal I said while laughing like a lunatic. I chided Brenda for buying some other restaurant's food while ignoring the wholesome victuals of Steve's 7th Circle restaurant, home of the greasefire burger. Where's the Tums?

Five Replies to All Aboard The Idiot Train

Scott Hardie | October 3, 2009
Hell is other burgers.

Amy Austin | October 3, 2009
Omg... Steve, are you *sure* you can't make it to GooCon this year? I am dying for you to grill for us. And also to laugh myself to death. Death by char-broil... or maniacal laughter -- your choice. "Both" would be supreme, though.

Lori Lancaster | October 4, 2009
[hidden by author request]

Jackie Mason | October 4, 2009
[hidden by author request]

Steve West | October 5, 2009
If only, if only... I'm saving for next year already and I've forewarned Brenda that if someday she wakes up to find her Hummel collection missing, I'll have no idea where they went or how much they would actually sell for.

Web Junkie

Steve West scours the Web searching for interest or absurdity and then shakes his head ruefully when he finds it. Read more »

Baseball and Androgeny

Recent conversation with Brenda: me: (watching baseball) Do you realize how filthy professional baseball players are? Brenda: Not first-hand, no. me: Look at these guys. Go »

Action Hero?

I remember back in the early '70's, my brother and I got new G.I. Joes for Christmas. They were pretty cool with the kung fu grip and "real-life hair and beard". Go »

Happy Halloween

Back when I was about ten, I went trick or treating as a witch doctor. I got to a house that I didn't know who lived there and was greeted by a kindly looking old lady. When I routinely and without much enthusiaism stated, "Trick or treat," she responded by handing me a piece of religious literature. Go »

Stay-cation Week IV

Brenda had a minor medical procedure today so we dropped the girls at Grandma's house for the majority of the day. Got through the procedure and had a nice lunch (just the two of us) at a local restaurant. I had a steak sandwich that was very tasty except it was served on ciabatta bread. Go »


It's too late now but I should have taken and posted a picture of my quaint (translation: small) front yard. Brenda and I (translation: Brenda) decided that in order to sell our house at a more attractive price, it should look more attractive to potential buyers. Makes sense, I guess. Go »

This Year Goes to 11 contd.

What do the following people have in common? Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Wayne Gretzky, Melissa Etheridge, Eddie Murphy, George Lopez, Marilyn Milian, George Clooney, Michael J. Fox, Kim Deal, Boy George, Forest Whitaker, Barack Obama, Susan Olsen, Wynton Marsalis, Heather Locklear, Meg Ryan, Ann Coulter, and Steve West. Go »