My car broke down at an intersection less than a mile from my work. I have roadside assistance but I couldn't read the fine print on the handy card they provided. The fine print was where the number was. It was dark already and the overhead light was little help. So I called Brenda who was with the girls at the PTA fundraising dinner that I was already late for. She had the number and gave it to me and I told her I would call her back when I had made arrangements.

USAA answered the phone after a brief delay (must have been a busy day for breakdowns), and informed me that they could detail a tow truck to me in about an hour. I responded that if I was the President I could get one in fifteen minutes or less, and since I happened to know that he didn't need one they could send me his. She was not amused. One hour, sir. Fine.

So I'm sitting at this intersection with my hazard lights blinking their little asses off but still having to wave honking vehicles around. This is a very immigrant heavy area of the state and it made me wonder if they hadn't gotten to that section in the ESL class yet. It was amazing to me how many police cars went screaming through the intersection in front of me during that period. 6? 7? 12??? A pair of local city cops did pull up and help me push the sumbitch to the side of the road so as to not block traffic. They pushed it next to a fire hydrant and it made me wonder if this was a city fundraising ploy.

One hour later, the tow truck arrived. It was one of those flatbed type trucks that give your car a ride instead of those old-fashioned ones that hook and drag. Conversation with the driver was nerve-wracking to say the least. Brad is the aforementioned hatchet murderer. Or at least he seemed uninhibited to describe in great detail his anger management issues and homicidal thoughts. I was content to agree with everything he said. Yes Brad, those bully kids in High School deserve decapitation. Those teachers that gave you undeserved failing grades - water torture. I'm silently praying the whole time to help me survive this psycho ride so I can revel in the huge repair bill that awaits. He gets me to the Goodyear place and Brenda rescues me from Brad who is content to wait with me for her arrival. No no! That isn't necessary Brad, We live only ten minutes from here! So I survived the 1/2 hour drive (God, was it only 1/2 hour?), and lived to blog about it.

One Reply to Definitely A Hatchet Murderer

Scott Hardie | April 9, 2011
Sorry to hear about the trouble. It sounds similar to our own recent experiences of waiting at mile marker 213 on the interstate (we can see our office from here!) for an hour to be towed, although our driver was friendlier. The fuel gauge broke and told us we still had 3/8 tank remaining as we sputtered to a stop on the shoulder. After a week of the car sitting with an unbelievably rude dealer, we drove it away but it still needed work at another shop, due to worn-out brake pads and a nail in the tire. I swear this car is still under some kind of GooCon curse that requires a new tire at least once a year. It just broke down again a few weeks later and we just got back from the shop, now over $1000 in recent repairs on a car that's only a few years old. This will almost certainly be my last Dodge.

Web Junkie

Steve West scours the Web searching for interest or absurdity and then shakes his head ruefully when he finds it. Read more »

Barbie Gets Implants

In the early ‘90’s, I heard a stand-up routine by Cathy Ladman in which she was buying a Barbie doll as a birthday present for her niece. She’s looking at the doll displays and her eye catches a “Gift-Giving Ken”. She says, I really don’t think this is gonna prepare her for adult relationships. Go »

The Five Stages Of Patriots Grief

The Giants are the greatest 10-6 team of all time! Go »

Ice Cream That Would Make Homer Simpson Retch

In all honesty, I felt physically ill after about 1/3 of the way through this list. I could actually taste some of this nauseating stuff and it made my stomach churn. I don't even want to know what raw horseflesh flavor is like. Go »

Top Ten Top 10

Letterman has practically made a career out of his "Top 10" Lists. I'm shocked he doesn't have the copyright. He does, at least unofficially, as anyone who does anything similar immediately brings thoughts of him to mind. Go »


Interesting lists and compilations. 50 funniest movie scenes ever. 50 greatest commmercial parodies. Go »

The Magic Kingdom Is, Well...Magic

We just flew in from Orlando from a week's stay in Kissimmee, Florida. We had an incredible vacation that included the Magic Kingdom, Aquatica waterpark, a resort stay at Oak Plantation, Hollywood Studios, and Universal Citywalk including the Hard Rock Cafe, Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. and the Blue Man Group show. Go »