The Texas Chili Cook-Off
by Steve West on August 20, 2024
Recently, at a Bowie Baysox baseball game, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Texas chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last minute, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans, probably) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI #1 - MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 - Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.
CHILI #2 - AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeño tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3 - FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Sally the Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting smashed from all the beer.
CHILI #4 - BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. I think my taste buds committed suicide. Loyal Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. I’m eating nuclear waste!
CHILI #5 - LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 - My ears are ringing; sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from hemorrhaging by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI #6 - VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipeline filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I feel like I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI #7 - SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit distressed as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Who cares; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8 - BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge #3 - No Report
Inexplicably, I survived. I have surgery scheduled for skin grafts on my butt cheeks and I’m sure my missing eyebrows will grow back (maybe).
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