Heard Any Good Jokes Lately?

Kris Weberg | September 9, 2004
Just to lighten things up, anyone heard any (hopefully non-political) good jokes lately?

(Anna, I promise not to tell grad school in-jokes. Unless someone asks.)

Lori Lancaster | September 9, 2004
[hidden by request]

Scott Hardie | September 10, 2004
Premature ejaculation is like a drum solo: You know it's about to happen, but there's not a damn thing you can do to stop it.

Anthony Lewis | September 10, 2004
Former President Ronald Reagan and former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry were having lunch one day. Reagan confided to Marion that he was having trouble "getting it up" to have sex with Nancy. So Marion says, "Ronnie, all you gotta do is slam your dick against the bedpost a few times. That'll getcha ready." Reagan says, "That sounds painful". Marion replies, "Trust me baby! I knows womens."

So Reagan decides to take Marion's advice. He enters the darkened bedroom where Nancy is sleeping. He begins to slam his dick into the bedpost. It wakes Nancy up. Nancy then rolls over and says...

"Marion, is that you???"

Erik Bates | September 10, 2004
[hidden by request]

Scott Horowitz | September 10, 2004
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we got a drink named after you." The grasshopper responds, "What? Larry?"

hehehe

Erik Bates | September 10, 2004
[hidden by request]

Anna Gregoline | September 10, 2004
How very meta.

Steve West | September 10, 2004
It was reported the other day that Osama bin Laden wants to be one of the first civilians in space. A NASA spokesperson says they're fine with the idea except that bin Laden insists on coming back.

Anna Gregoline | September 10, 2004
Ha!

Angela Lathem-Ballard | September 14, 2004
Ok, Lori -- this 'dad joke' is for you:

I say: "Knock Knock . . ."
You say: "Who's There?!?!?!?!"
I say: "Dwayne"
You say: "Dwayne who?"
I say: "Dwayne the bathtub - I'm Dwowning!"

Lori Lancaster | September 14, 2004
[hidden by request]

Erik Bates | September 14, 2004
[hidden by request]

Erik Bates | September 17, 2004
[hidden by request]

Anthony Lewis | September 17, 2004
A sandwich goes into a bar. The bartender tells him "We don't serve food".

Kris Weberg | September 18, 2004
A widow was getting married for the fourth time, and decided to make a real show of things, inviting people she hadn't seen in years, and so on. A friend of hers, with whom she'd lost touch some time ago, asked her about her prior husband.

"Which one," replied the widow.

"Well, your first, I suppose."

"Oh, he was avery nice man. But sadly, he died after eating poisoned mushrooms we'd picked by mistake.

"How awful! What about your second husband?"

"It was a tragedy. He also ate poisoned mushrooms."

"Good heavens? Your third didn't go the same way, did he?"

"No, no, he fell down the stairway and broke his neck."

"Dear me! What caused his fall?"

Replied the widow, "Wouldn't eat his mushrooms."

Kris Weberg | September 18, 2004
Two guys are drinking on a bar at the top of a towering 40-story hotel. First guys tells the second guy, "I bet $100 you that if I step outside the window, the updrafts will keep me from falling."

Second guy says, "You're on, but, uh, put the money down up front." The first guy agrees, walks over to the window, steps out, and sure enough, he hovers in midair for several seconds before leaping back inside.

"Wow!" , says the second guy/ "How did you do that?!?"

"I told you, updrafts. Tell you what, if you've got the guts, you could win your money back by doing it yourself. Bet you chicken out, though."

The second guy scoffs, puts his money down, runs over to the window, steps out, and falls forty stories.

The first guy picks up the money and starts to leave, when the bartender looks up and says, "You're mean when you're drunk, Superman."

Melissa Erin | September 18, 2004
[hidden by request]

Angela Lathem-Ballard | October 3, 2004
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in many different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow . . .

The old man just stared - every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically: "What's the matter, old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Todd Brotsch | October 3, 2004
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two
weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will
need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the
keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front
of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank
agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at
the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a
$5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into
the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are
very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked
out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my
car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I
return?"

Jackie Mason | October 4, 2004
[hidden by request]

Steve West | October 5, 2004
I'm not into working out. My philosphy is, "No pain - No pain." - Carol Leifer