How Bad is It?

Steve West | April 22, 2011
The economy is so bad...

... the highest paying job now is jury duty.

Steve West | April 22, 2011
...Motel Six won't leave the light on.

Tony Peters | April 22, 2011
people ask to work on a chain gang cor the free food

Steve West | April 22, 2011
... the Mafia is laying off judges.

Steve West | April 22, 2011
... Donald Trump lights cigars with $1.00 bills.

Scott Hardie | April 22, 2011
...Richard Branson can only afford to send tourists into space with balloons and a deck chair.

Steve West | April 22, 2011
... McDonald's has introduced the 1/4 ouncer.

Steve West | April 22, 2011
... for dinner, my family and I sit together and read recipes.

Scott Hardie | April 22, 2011
..Mike Tyson can't afford to finish the tattoo across to the other side of his face.

Scott Hardie | April 30, 2011
...Facebook's latest valuation was a mere $50 trillion.

Jon Berry | April 30, 2011
...I couldn't afford a punchline.

Scott Hardie | May 1, 2011
...impoverished seniors are forced to give up Fancy Feast in favor of a cheaper brand.

Steve West | May 1, 2011
...parents in Beverly Hills are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

Scott Hardie | May 1, 2011
...movie theaters are charging an extra fee to show each film in 2D.

Steve West | May 1, 2011
...I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Steve West | May 2, 2011
...the opening coin-toss at football games has been replaced by Rock-Paper-Scissors.

Scott Hardie | May 8, 2011
...the British royals attending the wedding of William & Kate could only afford the fronts of their hats.

Steve West | May 11, 2011
...competitive swimming venues are conserving water by closing lanes 4, 5, and 6.

Steve West | May 12, 2011
...Microsoft's new Word product is a box of pencils.

Steve West | May 13, 2011
...Rolling Thunder now consists of two guys on Schwinns with a bullhorn going, "Brummbumbumbumbummmmmmm.."

Jackie Mason | May 14, 2011
[hidden by request]

Scott Hardie | May 17, 2011
...Seal Team Six was laid off and replaced by guys who play a lot of Xbox.

Steve West | May 18, 2011
...my mortgage payments are arriving addressed to "Current Occupant".

Scott Horowitz | May 18, 2011
..American Cell phone networks have been replaced with an intricate network of really long strings

Steve West | May 19, 2011
...cash-strapped hookers have mounted a write-in campaign for Eliot Spitzer.

Scott Hardie | May 19, 2011
...Civil War re-enactors are having to go without uniforms in favor of portraying the war as "shirts vs. skins."

Steve West | May 19, 2011
...insurance companies are being swamped by claims for dumpster diving injuries.

Scott Horowitz | May 19, 2011
@Steve... the Spitzer one almost made me snarf my OJ

..Demolition Man was right, and all restaurants become Taco Bell

Steve West | May 20, 2011
...desperate airlines will begin charging passengers for emotional baggage.

Scott Horowitz | May 20, 2011
... rental car companies will revert to Flintstone mobiles

Steve West | June 13, 2011
...my credit union returned a check to me marked "insufficient funds" so I called and asked if they meant me or them.

Scott Hardie | June 14, 2011
...Lady Gaga's latest dress is made of Spam.

Steve West | June 14, 2011
...my primary physician is a student nurse.

Steve West | June 15, 2011
...payments for donations to the sperm bank have been reduced to keeping the Victoria's Secret catalogue.

Steve West | June 15, 2011
...women can donate eggs up to age 35 - men can now donate until they go blind.

Steve West | June 15, 2011
...even the sleazy brothels require a two tramp minimum.

Steve West | June 16, 2011
...my health plan's only guarantee is a blindfold and an unfiltered cigarette.

Jackie Mason | June 16, 2011
[hidden by request]

Jon Berry | June 16, 2011
50 cent had to change his name due to inflation.

Steve West | June 17, 2011
...I get counseling for buyer's remorse every week after grocery shopping.

Scott Hardie | June 17, 2011
Steve, you need counseling after your grocery shopping anyway.

Steve West | June 17, 2011
True dat.

Scott Hardie | June 19, 2011
...the only store in Kentucky doing well this year is the Cash4Gold next to Fort Knox.

Steve West | June 22, 2011
..in a poll of unemployed Americans, over half report that they get the majority of their nutrients from acid reflux.

Steve West | June 23, 2011
...desperate execs at Trojan introduce the Princess Kate commemorative condom.

Steve West | June 23, 2011
...beginning in 2012, an opportunistic IRS will begin a new campaign called "Lapdances for Refunds" night.

Steve West | June 24, 2011
...to stretch your entertainment allowance you're actually considering buying those cheap tickets to the Menudo reunion tour.

Scott Hardie | June 24, 2011
...Menudo tickets now cost less than an actual bowl of menudo.

Steve West | June 24, 2011
...the U.S. Mint's new $20 bill design has hidden script that reads, "we're still kicking the peso's ass".

Steve West | June 25, 2011
...any time a player lands on Luxury Tax in Monopoly, the money will be collected by an actual IRS agent.

Steve West | June 26, 2011
...more people who talk to their plants are claiming them as dependents.

Scott Hardie | June 26, 2011
...Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous just profiled a Nebraska couple that paid off their mortgage in full.

Steve West | June 27, 2011
...because of a great deal with Touchstone, every airline in the world will now show as their in-flight movies a selection from the Ernest series.

Steve West | July 4, 2011
..Microsoft has developed the brilliant plan of buyers having to pay them not to include a Janet Reno striptease screensaver on all new products.

Steve West | July 4, 2011
...Michael Flatley resorts to moving south of the Mason-Dixon and becomes Lord of the Line Dance.

Steve West | July 4, 2011
...a fresh-out-of-ideas Michael Bolton releases his latest CD of Prison Love Songs.

Steve West | July 4, 2011
...to attract an ever-thinning tourist market, Amish Disneyland now features hayrides at 70 mph.

Samir Mehta | July 4, 2011
[hidden by request]

Steve West | July 5, 2011
...Santa has outsourced his "Who's Been Naughty" list to the Mafia.

Steve West | July 7, 2011
...more unemployed people have an opportunity to live their dream job of secret agent, assassin or sex machine.

Samir Mehta | July 7, 2011
[hidden by request]

Steve West | July 8, 2011
...worthless stocks are worth less than usual.

Samir Mehta | July 8, 2011
[hidden by request]

Steve West | July 9, 2011
...you've eaten enough Spam to discern the ratio of chicken heads to horse hooves.

Steve West | July 9, 2011
...for tax purposes, buying a round of beers is now considered a charitable donation but removing a rotting jack-o-lantern is not considered a home improvement.

Steve West | July 10, 2011
...my buying in bulk habits now require a forklift.

Steve West | July 10, 2011
...most malls have become so deserted that not even Jay and Silent Bob will hang out there.

Steve West | July 10, 2011
...Tax Evasion For Dummies is now on the New York Times Bestseller List.

Steve West | July 11, 2011
...as Christmas approaches, that less than a $1.00 underwear at Goodwill is awfully enticing.

Steve West | July 12, 2011
...you notice, as opposed to Spam, the first ingredient in dog food is meat.

Scott Hardie | July 12, 2011
...the makers of Spam have given up their campaign to change the term for unsolicited email, saying that "it's all the publicity we can afford."

...hipsters no longer scour thrift stores for cheap t-shirts displaying the Spam logo for ironic purposes. They now do so for non-ironic purposes.

...the USDA recently threw out their pyramid-based dietary guidelines for being out of touch with the way that most Americans eat today. The new plate-based design shows 1/4 of the plate with Spam, and 3/4 of the plate empty.

Denise Sawicki | July 12, 2011
Spam isn't remotely cheap so I don't really understand this stereotype :)

Scott Hardie | July 12, 2011
Bargains aren't always where you'd expect. Sometimes they're not even bargains. Our grocery sells super-cheap generic hot dogs under the store brand that was discontinued three years ago. I'm cheap, but I'm not that cheap.

Steve West | July 12, 2011
Spam is just funny.

Samir Mehta | July 12, 2011
[hidden by request]

Steve West | July 22, 2011
...the Navy Seals next mission will be to rob as many foreign liquor stores as possible.

Steve West | July 22, 2011
...the U.S. government is considering selling Texas and renting Alaska to Canada.

Steve West | July 22, 2011
...President Obama is considering corporate sponsorship of the White House.

Samir Mehta | July 22, 2011
[hidden by request]

Scott Hardie | July 26, 2011
...Mike Tyson is selling advertising space on the other side of his face.