I Wish Every Man in the World Would Read This

Anna Gregoline | August 6, 2004
Women Walking Alone at Night

Dave Stoppenhagen | August 6, 2004
Post please, an inappropriate site according to my proxy server.

Anna Gregoline | August 6, 2004
Sorry, can't post it. It's a long user-contributed post on AskMe, a division of Metafilter.com.

John Viola | August 6, 2004
'inappropriate' LOL. Well, the discussion certainly isn't inappropriate - but I know blocking/not blocking the site is obviously out of your control.


Here is the beginning of it:

In another thread, somebody posted the following bit of advice to a 35 year old woman considering a very long car trip:

"if someone stops to help, stay in your car and from behind the closed window smile, tell them you've just called the highway patrol and that they'll be by in a minute... then thank them and wave them on"

I find this a pretty shocking piece of advice, and said so: "what kind of paranoid freak lives by this advice ... That's a pretty unpleasant mental space to be living in"

And JanetLand responded: "Frankly, that's what life is like for a woman. I try not to live there, but any letters sent there will definitely reach me."

So, here's my question - is this really where most women spend their mental lives?


Basically the discussion involves both men and women stating their viewpoints regarding men as they relate to women and women's general safety in society. I read through it and found it quite interesting.

Anna - I've tried to give Dave a feel for the discussion. If you disagree or feel my synopsis is incomplete, please expand on it.
BTW, how do you feel about the subject?

Anna Gregoline | August 6, 2004
The reason I posted it is because it gets across feelings I've tried to explain before in my life - a part of the experience of being a woman. A lot of guys don't seem to "get" this headspace, and this thread really got into it deeply, and expressed a lot of what I've tried to get across before regarding fear/always feeling pushed back a bit in that women are constantly defending themselves from sexist and demeaning talk and actions.

John Viola | August 6, 2004
I completely understand this 'experience', though I can't relate to it since I'm not a woman (well, at least not last time I checked).

In the past I have tried to be sensitive to my presence around a woman if it is dark and/or there is nobody else around - such as on a street or elevator - because I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. Now, though, I don't really change my behavior in situations like that. Since I am nice, kind, respectful, and not a creep, I realize that if I just be myself it is quickly noticeable. I still respect personal space and don't walk up to within inches of a random woman (or a man for that matter), and in situations such as me and a woman alone on an elevator, will usually make eye contact and smile, and maybe make a general comment about the weather, environment, etc. I find that engaging people as human beings works wonders to dispel any inhibitions they may have regarding how you perceive them (i.e. as a piece of meat, as easy prey, etc.)

Dave Stoppenhagen | August 6, 2004
Interesting, I will have to check it out from home. Thanks for that little bit.

Melissa Erin | August 6, 2004
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Anna Gregoline | August 6, 2004
Although a man doesn't usually have to be worried about being sexually assaulted.

Melissa Erin | August 6, 2004
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Scott Hardie | August 7, 2004
I wish I would have read this a few months ago. Last spring I met a young woman who was a recent Polish immigrant to this country, without much money and no drivers license. We had the mutual goal of starting a friendship together, and agreed a movie was the ideal first meeting (deja vu). Not once, but twice, I stupidly offered to drive her somewhere else. The first time, it was to a better movie theater, so we wouldn't be stuck seeing "The Girl Next Door" or "The Tigger Movie." Later, I tried to be a gentleman by offering her a ride home so she wouldn't have to walk. For now-obvious-to-me reasons, she declined both times, and I regret never hearing from her again; she could have been a really interesting person to know. I need to learn that strangers don't always feel comfortable as quickly as I do, and certainly not women who barely speak the language, have no money or phone, and are about a fourth my size. [That smacking sound is my hand hitting my forehead.]

Denise Sawicki | August 8, 2004
Interesting, I usually think of myself as one of the more shy and fearful people you're ever likely to meet, but I'm not that fearful in situations where maybe I should be. I walk/bike alone at night all the time, even did when I live near the University of Chicago (in Hyde Park, supposed to be one of the worst neighborhoods anywhere). I got flashed twice in broad daylight when I lived in Rochester, NY, but I ran away without further incident and I'm not a good runner so they obviously weren't trying to chase me. That's the worst that's happened to me. It's not like I really had any choice but to walk alone most of the time. My college roommate in Rochester claimed I shouldn't even walk to my dorm in broad daylight by myself (it was a few blocks off campus) but my schedule wouldn't allow me to live like that even if I had felt it necessary. I don't know if my lack of fear is due to my passively suicidal nature or because I'm 6'1" and may get mistaken for a man more often than I might think :-P

Anyway Scott, I personally don't think it was wrong or rude to offer a ride, just understand if they refuse...

Jackie Mason | August 9, 2004
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Scott Hardie | August 9, 2004
I'm equally baffled by the phenomenon.

John Viola | August 9, 2004
I think the rude comments from a man may partially be due to an insensitivity to the woman because she is a stranger and will probably never see him again. The man sees an attractive woman and decides to aggressively voice his opinion in the form of a wolf call - 'Hey baby nice ass!'

Obviously this is a dehumanizing comment, attempting to reduce the woman to a plaything for the man's amusement. Instead of putting in any effort to introduce himself or attempt to impress the woman and win her affection or attention, the man takes an aggressive role - and perhaps even rejects the woman by objectifying her before he would suffer any rejection by actually trying to impress her. Maybe it stems from insecurity? Because if the man was secure with himself I can't imagine why he would attempt to make a woman feel insecure and threatened.

Melissa Erin | August 9, 2004
[hidden by request]

Scott Hardie | August 10, 2004
Let's not forget, for many single men, virtually every woman they meet is a potential sexual partner on a subconscious level. The brain just clicks into that "gotta impress her" mode when meeting any woman, even if consciously the man isn't interested or knows he couldn't possibly impress her enough. So perhaps some men give their subconscious enough sway to think every woman who passes before them is demonstrating sexual interest by being visible, and so they address the women according to their base thoughts? The men who call out these things are obviously not thinking at their highest potential at that moment.

Anna Gregoline | August 10, 2004
I think the men who do these things don't have any potential.