Got Dem Sunday Shopping UOAS Blues
by Steve West on December 7, 2009

Weekly shopping or as it has become, my weekly stroll through Satan's marketplace. I consciously avoided UOAS's line and since there were only two lines, chose the one next door. Let's call this one Slightly Less Ugly On A Stick. They seem to have been bred in the same cashier cloning factory. UOAS had no customers so she drifted over to chat with SLUOAS. In between bouts of adolescent blather (seems SLUOAS is being stalked by that pathetic Raymond who came by to see SLUOAS while she was on break), UOAS was making casual observations, again, on my purchases. And before anyone suggests, she did not come over to engage me specifically in any conversation, the majority of her time was spent trying to convince SLUOAS that her hair extensions needed replacing (every three thousand miles, you know).

UOAS (spotting my Christmas cards): Oh, what are you getting your wife for Christmas?
Me: A gift certificate for Prozac.

UOAS: You're getting a new grill brush now?
SLUOAS: Yeah, who grills in this weather.
Me: I don't grill outside. (twin tilted head expressions of confusion) I grill in the basement. I stick the grill in the fireplace and all the smoke goes up the chimney.

Just for the record, I grill outside in the snow and rain because it's not snowing or raining inside the grill. Jeez, twenty seconds to flip the meat and I'm back inside.

UOAS: (Commenting on my choice of coffee - a sacred violation) You know, the decaf stuff tastes just as good and it's so much better for you.
Me: (Pausing for SLUOAS to add idiotic sidebar - she had nothin') Oh, it'd probably be a bad thing to interrupt my caffeine stream.

Now there's two of them.

One Reply to Got Dem Sunday Shopping UOAS Blues

Jackie Mason | December 12, 2009
[hidden by author request]

Web Junkie

Steve West scours the Web searching for interest or absurdity and then shakes his head ruefully when he finds it. Read more »

Woman Attacks Karaoke Singer

A woman attacked a karaoke singer while he was singing Coldplay. A similar thing happened to me once. I was pretty drunk and I started a fight with some guy singing Dave Matthews. Go »

Christmas Post #5: For Those Just A Little Too Happy

I know a lot of happy people, I mean people that see humor in the Holocaust. I, myself, am generally a happy guy but not to that extent. A few of those people are on my Christmas list and will be receiving this stocking stuffer from me. Go »

Such As It Is...

Best stuff I found this week. Cowbell Hero - since I've mastered Guitar Hero. Rock star mug shots. Go »

Driftwood Horses

I walk along the beach and I see firewood and that opening scene from Jaws. This lady sees Go »

Really Cheap Costumes

Looking for a great photo for a future Halloween section in that photo album you can show the grandkids? Just wear one of these T-shirts. And then get arrested. Go »

My Man-Crush On The Mickster Is Almost Over

How much nonsense can a guy overlook? Apparently, Mickey Rourke has found Jesus. Now, if he could only remember the church he was at so he could return him. Go »