Got Dem Sunday Shopping UOAS Blues
by Steve West on December 7, 2009
Weekly shopping or as it has become, my weekly stroll through Satan's marketplace. I consciously avoided UOAS's line and since there were only two lines, chose the one next door. Let's call this one Slightly Less Ugly On A Stick. They seem to have been bred in the same cashier cloning factory. UOAS had no customers so she drifted over to chat with SLUOAS. In between bouts of adolescent blather (seems SLUOAS is being stalked by that pathetic Raymond who came by to see SLUOAS while she was on break), UOAS was making casual observations, again, on my purchases. And before anyone suggests, she did not come over to engage me specifically in any conversation, the majority of her time was spent trying to convince SLUOAS that her hair extensions needed replacing (every three thousand miles, you know).
UOAS (spotting my Christmas cards): Oh, what are you getting your wife for Christmas?
Me: A gift certificate for Prozac.
UOAS: You're getting a new grill brush now?
SLUOAS: Yeah, who grills in this weather.
Me: I don't grill outside. (twin tilted head expressions of confusion) I grill in the basement. I stick the grill in the fireplace and all the smoke goes up the chimney.
Just for the record, I grill outside in the snow and rain because it's not snowing or raining inside the grill. Jeez, twenty seconds to flip the meat and I'm back inside.
UOAS: (Commenting on my choice of coffee - a sacred violation) You know, the decaf stuff tastes just as good and it's so much better for you.
Me: (Pausing for SLUOAS to add idiotic sidebar - she had nothin') Oh, it'd probably be a bad thing to interrupt my caffeine stream.
Now there's two of them.
One Reply to Got Dem Sunday Shopping UOAS Blues
Web Junkie
Steve West scours the Web searching for interest or absurdity and then shakes his head ruefully when he finds it. Read more »
End Of The Year Post 2007
Some of the most interesting Year In Perspective lists I found. Top Ten News Stories. Top 5 Fails. Go »The Bus Stops Here
In Slapshot, Paul Newman encourages the minor league hockey team he captains to play like goons. The team begins to have some success and the driver of the team bus joins in the spirit of gooniness. Paul Newman approaches him while he is proceeding to smack the exterior of the bus with a sledge hammer and inquires as to what he is doing. Go »Have I Mentioned How Much I Love My Wife?
I got a surprise visit from Amy Austin today. She was passing through Maryland on her way to Florida and took the time to call me from the road. I was thrilled that she thought of me being in the area and invited her to visit for what could only be a brief visit. Go »Scott And The Genie
Scott Hardie was walking along the beach one day and discovered an old oil lamp. While rubbing the lamp a genie popped out. The genie said in a loud voice, "I am the genie of the lamp. Go »I Am A Marketing Genius
Recent conversation with Brenda: me: I’m thinking of buying that 5-hour energy stuff. Brenda: Think it’ll be worth it? me: Depends on what it costs – that whole dollars to extra push-ups ratio. Go »
Jackie Mason | December 12, 2009
[hidden by author request]