You Have Got to Be Kidding Me

Tony Peters | March 9, 2010
I figured we needed a discussion about news stories that boggle the mind.... here is one that boggles mine

Lori Lancaster | March 9, 2010
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Scott Hardie | March 10, 2010
Best comment I read about this story: "it's all Bush's fault"

Steve West | March 10, 2010
I'm sure her Romanian knucklehead cousin was responsible for the need for this road sign. Attention! Drunks!

Amy Austin | March 11, 2010
LOL... just... lol.

Tony Peters | March 11, 2010
seriously I have done some bizarre thing will driving down the road but I think I'd have to draw the line at scrapping a razor through man land, I mean one bump and all future pleasure is gone....not to mention that I'd probably bleed out on the highway..... talk about "blood on the asphalt"

Scott Hardie | March 15, 2010
Maybe she was trying to get on a reality show.

Tony Peters | April 4, 2010
It's a Florida thing right?

Amy Austin | April 4, 2010
I'm better off not reading about such things. I thought this particular discussion might stay light-hearted/silly.

Tony Peters | April 4, 2010
Sorry it just pissed me off and I needed to vent.......... I changed it to a lighter story....

Tony Peters | April 10, 2010
Some things just shouldn't be pets

Samir Mehta | April 10, 2010
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Tony Peters | April 10, 2010
could have been florida or bama

Lori Lancaster | April 10, 2010
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Tony Peters | April 13, 2010
There was a time when he was cool right?

Tony Peters | May 7, 2010
OK my Florida friends please explain THIS to me

Samir Mehta | May 7, 2010
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Amy Austin | May 9, 2010
"It is icky," to quote the distinguished gentlewoman from West Palm Beach. Well, hell, so are a lot of things -- rape and murder certainly aren't dinner conversation, but come on... this is the sort of thing you're elected to take care of (and for a LOT of money, I might add!) -- fucking get over it, deal with it and pass a fucking law!!!

This just pisses me off as badly as the recent SCOTUS decision that videos portraying animal cruelty are not, in and of themselves, illegal. Okay, wait... so animal cruelty is illegal, but... filming and distribution of it is a-okay? Yeah... once again, language and semantics issues -- the Court was apparently too worried that this might infringe upon their hunting magazine subscriptions, etc. -- I'm beginning to wonder if there aren't other things that those who are in charge are too worried about infringing upon...

They damn sure wouldn't dick around on the issue of child pornography in this manner... just like they wouldn't wait to make sure that Megan's Law or Amber Alert got passed right the first time, either! So why the sudden squeamishness to deal with the sick fucks while they're still only into goat-fucking -- just make the law and be done with it, and then you won't have to discuss the legality of the "icky" issue anymore... you can just leave it to the fucking law enforcement and judicial branch at that point and go back to your luxury power lunches and full health-care coverage to discuss how to make work for the rest of us peons here in good ol' Floriduh! God, I fucking hate the government!!!

Dammit, Tony... where the hell do you find all this shit, at letspissoffamy.com???

Scott Hardie | May 9, 2010
I was very reluctant to comment on Facebook about crush videos and play devil's advocate, since that was not a conversation where it would have been welcome. But if it's any more appropriate here: The Supreme Court rules on constitutionality, not morality. The ban on crush videos, good law that it was, was in conflict with the first amendment, so their decision was inevitable. There is no societal value in crush videos themselves, but a chilling effect from the law could potentially affect videos showing violence against animals that do have societal value, from movies like Apocalypse Now to instructional films for veterinary students studying surgery. The decision will hopefully lead to a very specific law in the future that targets crush videos more precisely. And to be clear, I do support that law and think that harm was done in overturning it.

The bestiality thing, though? That's a no-brainer. Pass it and move on.

Amy Austin | May 10, 2010
I understand that SCOTUS rules on constitutionality, not morality -- we have the same dilemma surrounding the Westboro funeral picketers. But I stand by my parallel example of child pornography and the differences in expediency of justice.

Scott Hardie | June 26, 2010
Every time I read a news story about another crazy anti-immigrant bill in Arizona, which comes up depressingly often in the wake of SB 1070, I feel glad that I live in a relatively sane state. Well, so much for that.

Tony Peters | June 26, 2010
That's it I'm moving back to Honolulu and leave all these silly mainlanders and their racism behind

Aaron Shurtleff | July 1, 2010
OK, so...forgive my ignorance, but how is this a crazy racist law? Maybe I've missed the parts that are crazy, but it seems like it mostly seems to stop people from ignoring the fact that undocumented aliens are, in fact, in violation of federal laws. (See how I used the polite, PC term there?) As I understand it, a valid driver's license (or nondriving equivalent) is sufficient to prove legal status (unless the state of issuance doesn't check a person's legal status before issuing the identification card, which I would like to think most states do). Is it really a burden to ask people to have their id? I always have mine.

And the police are only supposed to check during a lawful stop, so it's not supposed to be arbitrary (or at least no more arbitrary than any other police stop), so that shouldn't be the problem. If cops are inherently racist, then they were like that before the law. I don't think the bill changes what an officer can stop you for...

Please explain this to me. I honestly have no idea what all the fuss is about.

Samir Mehta | July 1, 2010
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Scott Hardie | July 4, 2010
To me, the craziness and racism aren't in the letter of the law (which has other problems); they're in the spirit of the law. Arizona seems to have a raging hatred of Hispanic people right now, from the banning of cultural studies that might somehow give Hispanic students the idea that they're being oppressed by white people (imagine that), or the whitening of children painted in a mural to "better reflect the community," even though the children depicted in the mural are the actual students at the school. The hatred just seems so palpable in one news story after another, and forcing Hispanic people to carry their documents at all times seems like a step towards madness. Not to abuse Godwin's Law, but I can honestly see Arizona's next step being a night of smashing Hispanic-owned storefronts or making legal immigrants wear some kind of state-issued flag pin.

From before America was even a nation, we've always blamed one immigrant group after another for all of our economic and societal problems – "dey took 'r jerbs" and all that. The current fashion is to blame Hispanic immigrants, particularly Mexicans, so I wonder what group will get all the blame in another couple of decades. (Someday in the far future, will we eventually blame extraterrestrial immigrants for takin' 'r jerbs?) Arizona aside, I'm just really sick and tired of the open hatred that we show to immigrants for the high crime of wanting the same quality of life that we take for granted. It's ugly, it's unfair, it's hypocritical, and it's one of our worst qualities as a nation. Then again, at least we eventually forgive one group and move on to some other scapegoat; most of the rest of the cultures on Earth harbor centuries-old or millenia-old grudges against a specific neighbor.

As for the law itself, Samir is right that it depends on the police to be fair and impartial, and sometimes they're not. If you think that merely carrying your papers will protect you from police mistreatment, ask Chicagoan Eduardo Caraballo what he thinks.

Jackie Mason | July 4, 2010
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Samir Mehta | July 4, 2010
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Tony Peters | July 9, 2010
yeah....she's a gooood candidate

Tony Peters | August 10, 2010
another stellar choice the lunatic right has made

Amy Austin | August 11, 2010
Ironically, Maes didn’t do his research...

Not ironic at all, actually.

Tony Peters | August 11, 2010
I just love the assumption that bicycle equals un-American

Lori Lancaster | August 12, 2010
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Amy Austin | August 13, 2010
Coincidence?

Aaron Shurtleff | August 13, 2010
Yeah, I'm late to the party...

?? So, Sharron Angle's inherent worthiness/unworthiness as a candidate comes down solely to her views on abortion? Seriously? I'm not saying I agree with her stance, but since no other real aspect of her political views is dealt with in the article, I can only assume she has none. I think (opinion coming up here) that there is probably some view held by every candidate of every party that I would not agree with, but I don't think that makes that person not a good candidate. I think you have to view a candidate as a whole, not just find the one aspect that is most distasteful to you, and run with it.

Unless abortion is the most important topic facing America, in your opinion. In that case, more power to ya! :)

Aaron Shurtleff | August 13, 2010
Ironically, if ICLEI (International Council for Local Environmental Initiatives) really does lead to population reduction, then Maes would have just thrown my vote to his opponent! Heck, yeah! Less people, less problems!

I can't figure that one out. I'm all for people who want to get more "green", and I can't believe that bicycling is the slippery slope to communism. But what do I know? Maybe I am a masochist, but I'd like to hear more details about this secret conspiracy!! I suspect it would be like the Underpants Gnomes master plan on South Park:

1) Steal Underpants.
2) ????
3) PROFIT!!!

So this must be:

1) Bicycling and green iniatives.
2) ????
3) COMMUNISM!!!!

Scott Hardie | August 14, 2010
I'm disappointed in the timely smears of Sharron Angle and Rand Paul. No sooner did Angle win her primary than her extreme views on abortion come to light. Paul had barely won his primary when his comments about the Civil Rights Act put him on the defensive. It's true that these were the candidates' own comments, but they had been public for some time without controversy. Now, in their moment of triumph, when it's time to make first impressions on the majority of voters in the general election, the candidates are suddenly embroiled in controversy. The left complains about the right's smear machine, but they've got a pretty effective one of their own.

Tony Peters | August 14, 2010
Sorry most people knew that Rand was a nuttler and Angle is a Teabagger she's coo coo on principle

Scott Hardie | November 21, 2010
A local news story out of Maryland celebrates a local hero for rescuing a woman from a sinking car. The drunken rudeness of his ungrateful benefactor is kind of awe-inspiring in light of her almost dying.

Scott Hardie | April 20, 2011
*sigh* Once again, Sarasota is in the news for something awful. The British papers are so polite, they take pains to explain what a nice, upscale, pretty place this is in spite of the double homicide. American papers wouldn't have bothered, or would have inferred that the whole city is crime-ridden. But really, after Carlie Brucia, and Paul Reubens, and 9/11, and "The Meanest City in America," and even back to Christine Chubbuck, this town has a knack for making national news in the worst possible light. It really is a nice place to live and work; just don't Google it.

Steve West | April 23, 2011
Nuclear meltdowns and tsunamis, global economic crises, civil war in Libya, Sarasota felony redux... aren't we due for another Charlie Sheen story?

Scott Hardie | April 23, 2011
Trump is the new Sheen.

Tony Peters | May 6, 2011
I didn't realize Bestiality was a problem...then i remembered that we are talking about Florida here

Scott Hardie | May 7, 2011
The threat to civil liberties posed by the "droopy pants" bill is hard to get worked up over when the fashion trend is so funny.

Tony Peters | May 8, 2011
I guess W, Virginia has bat shit crazy people too

Tony Peters | May 12, 2011
hey Floridians be careful it looks like your legislature has just made sex illegal

Steve West | May 23, 2011
Utah gives Florida competition for the sexual lunacy crown.

Tony Peters | May 23, 2011
I guess that means if I adjust my junk I could be arrested for solicitation

Steve West | May 23, 2011
Exactly. Don't play baseball in Utah.

Scott Hardie | June 12, 2011
Along those lines, it's now a crime in Tennessee to transmit photographs that cause emotional distress. I take it this is another law intended for a narrow focus (preventing online harassment) that is so broadly worded that it can potentially apply to just about anything online. Maybe it will turn out to be unenforceable, and it will just be ignored before the ACLU gets all over it.

Tony Peters | July 21, 2011
seriously??? and not even in Florida

Steve West | August 1, 2011
Man disguised as SpongeBob robs 7-11 in Florida. Of course he did. It's not like SpongeBob will go on a crime spree in Oklahoma.

Scott Hardie | August 20, 2011
I don't have much to say about this guy, but he definitely represents Pasco County.

Tony Peters | September 9, 2011
I saw this and was in tears.

Scott Hardie | September 10, 2011
Haha! Yes! I'm stealing that!

Reminds me of the "how to piss off a nerd" meme:

click image to zoom

Lori Lancaster | September 10, 2011
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Scott Hardie | September 10, 2011
Know Your Meme has lots more, like this:

click image to zoom

Steve West | September 20, 2011
Potential advertisers take note: Florida firm offers free AK-47's for new business.

Tony Peters | September 21, 2011
that sounds pretty cool Steve though I would prefer and SKS since they are better made and cheaper

Tony Peters | October 7, 2011
seriously you don't even have to guess its a florida thing but how many people do you actually see looking for this job?

Erik Bates | October 7, 2011
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Tony Peters | October 17, 2011
looks like I'm not the only one who thinks Florida has a problem

Scott Hardie | October 25, 2011
Jeff Foxworthy defined the adjective "redneck" as "a glorious lack of sophistication." That description suits Weird Florida just fine.

Scott Hardie | October 25, 2011
Case in point. Maybe "a dangerous lack of sophistication" would be more appropriate.

Scott Hardie | October 26, 2011
Not all of the weird stuff that happens here is criminal, of course. From my back yard: (link)

Tony Peters | October 27, 2011
True enough this is stupid but not criminal

Tony Peters | October 29, 2011
We've always known Texas had problems

Scott Hardie | October 29, 2011
Also stupid but not criminal.

Sarah Kyle | October 29, 2011
Scott I just read about LEGO MAN in our local paper. That is to funny

Tony Peters | November 20, 2011
Seriously????? a new meaning to "built like a brick shithouse

Scott Hardie | November 21, 2011
They believed that injecting this stuff would give them a firmer or shapelier figure, and it wouldn't cause bad side effects? Folie à deux.

Steve West | November 21, 2011
I better tell Brenda to cancel her next appointment.

Scott Hardie | November 21, 2011
Oh wow, I had Flash turned off, so I missed the video. Those hips are... something.

Scott Hardie | November 22, 2011
It isn't just the hips:



Normally it bugs me to hear a transgendered person described as their original gender, as "he" is by the reporter covering the story. Is this person not clearly living as a woman? But if there's anyone in the news lately who inspires confusion and disrespect, it's her.

Lori Lancaster | November 22, 2011
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Scott Hardie | November 23, 2011
Someone for whom the awful, awful lyrics of "My Humps" articulate a personal philosophy.

Tony Peters | November 25, 2011
Competitive shopping not in florida and happily I'm not out there on black friday

Scott Hardie | November 25, 2011
I'm surprised that Black Friday still holds such power in the age of the Internet. But with everybody strapped for cash in recent years, stores are pushing these deals more than ever. They represent a chance to escape from the recession, for stores and for customers. I know several people compelled to work retail hours on Thanksgiving night who were not pleased.

That scene in Los Angeles sounds like chaos. There's video online that claims to come from that same store that night.

Steve West | December 14, 2011
From the Truth is Stranger Than Fiction files: Steve Guttenberg receives star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He was okay in Diner (barely) but the whole Police Academy string of doofusness makes me gag when I think on it too long. Cocoon? Please. 3 Men and a Baby made me punch a hole in the wall. Pleasantly surprised to hear of his philanthropic efforts, though.

Scott Hardie | January 9, 2012
Scat singing isn't for everybody, but some people really like it.

Tony Peters | January 11, 2012
thats a stiff one

Steve Dunn | January 12, 2012
No way that actually happened. I think the dead guy should demand a DNA test.

Scott Hardie | January 12, 2012
It seems like a satirical site to me, hence the site's name (not to mention the woman's). But I'm a regular reader of Literally Unbelievable, and it makes me self-conscious about not getting the joke, or seeming not to get the joke, so I want to say for the record that I have no idea. :-)

EDIT: Now I do. Snopes confirms that it's fiction.

When I read the first paragraph, I just assumed that the woman had somehow extracted still-viable sperm from a fresh corpse via syringe or something, and rushed it to a OBGYN's office for impregnation. Outlandish, but maybe possible; I have heard of weirder things.

The second paragraph is where it gets way out of hand. In a laboratory, ejaculated sperm has remained viable for up to something like 36 hours. That's an extreme case (it's rarely more than a few minutes, and no I'm not going to provide citation), but this information could explain why a tiny amount still present on a fresh corpse might possibly impregnate a woman post-mortem, however unlikely. But for a corpse to reach orgasm? No, just not possible. I'm not a doctor, but please.

Apparently I feel no ick factor while discussing this.

Steve West | January 12, 2012
Snopes.com debunks this story here. Thank God.

Scott Hardie | January 12, 2012
Ha! Beat you by 1 second, Steve. :-)

Steve West | January 12, 2012
Funny. I had the same reaction as your commentary. "That cannot be true!", I was madly screaming in my head.

Scott Hardie | February 6, 2012
Florida doesn't have all the crazy.

Tony Peters | February 6, 2012
No question the woman is stupid but I'm not sure she did anything illegal that warranted being Tased and arrested....Trespassing???

Scott Hardie | February 8, 2012
Tanna said deputies are not allowed to use Tasers on a person who simply refuses to comply with orders without danger involved, but in this case Lucca was engaging in "threatening behavior."

I sure hope there's a clear definition of that.

What is the crime when someone interferes with a lawful business operation? Public disturbance? She was charged with trespassing, but what if she had blocked the only entrance to McDonald's, from just beyond the edge of their property? Could it become a civil matter instead of a criminal matter under some circumstances?

And yes, all of this talk of McDonald's still makes me want some.

Samir Mehta | February 8, 2012
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Scott Hardie | February 9, 2012
[cue joke about Officer Big Mac and the Hamburglar]

Scott Hardie | February 9, 2012
I have this theory about large numbers: Once you get more than six or seven zeroes on the end, people lose all sense of scale or what's an appropriate amount for anything. This is where you get odd claims like, I dunno, cutting federal funding of NPR ($10 million) will help to reduce the national debt ($15 trillion).

In that spirit, I give you the woman suing New York city for $900 trillion because she was separated from her children. That's $336 billion, per child, per day. It's also 14 times the annual GDP of planet Earth.

Steve West | February 9, 2012
It reminds me of Al "Geothermal Genius" Gore telling Conan O'Brien that the earth's core was several million degrees.

Tony Peters | February 9, 2012
10,000....several million were not talking dollars here so give the internet's creator a break

Steve West | February 9, 2012
Not a chance that Nobel stealing, pompous blowhard jerkoff.

Scott Hardie | February 9, 2012
Speaking of pompous jerkoffs, Mark Zuckerberg has filed for an IPO, as Facebook is said to be worth in the vicinity of $100 billion. This seems like yet another case of people (investors) having no idea how unrealistic large numbers are.

One analysis computed that for Facebook to return on an IPO investment that large, it would have to earn $5.02 per user per month. Currently, it earns less than five cents per user per month. What are their options for earnings growth? Signing up more users overseas in foreign markets that are already saturated? Selling more ads and bigger ads? Expanding the Facebook Credits program that pays for in-game features? Collecting even more of your personal information for sale to third parties? These options might eke out some extra cash, but none of them seem like they could multiply earnings by more than 100.

Facebook stock might be a good buy in the very short term as first-week demand is going to be huge, but I cannot fathom anything but a massive decline in the years to come. There's just no justification for that high of a price in real money.

Not only do we seem determined to repeat the sky-high fantasy valuations of the dotcom bubble, but we seem fine with the idea of living in an increasingly advertising-based economy. The big tech stocks in recent news all propose to reap an impossible fortune by selling ads and selling personal data for more ads. Does nobody wonder whether this represents a circular economy with no means of generating new wealth, as in manufacturing or specialized skills? We are becoming the snake that eats its own tail.

But I'm no economist or stock analyst, so what do I know? Tell me I'm wrong.

Steve West | February 22, 2012
I'm impressed. I'm only one-quarter orangutan, myself.

Steve West | February 26, 2012
Not dangerous, just stupid.

Tony Peters | February 26, 2012
who knows maybe he was a master of the exploding finger

Steve West | February 26, 2012
Give me the cash or I'll pull my own finger.

Tony Peters | May 28, 2012
Florida again....this sounds like the start of the Zombie wars

Erik Bates | May 29, 2012
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Tony Peters | May 29, 2012
yeah time to finish making my Zombie chopper err a sword I have the parts just not the time to finish fabrication

Aaron Shurtleff | May 30, 2012
Perhaps you should consider making the time. The zombie apocalypse waits for no man. :D

Scott Hardie | May 31, 2012
I saw the mugshots in the news today...

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Scott Hardie | June 1, 2012
It's spreading.

Tony Peters | June 4, 2012
Serious another one

Scott Hardie | June 4, 2012
Spotify randomly played this song today, and made me think of this discussion.

Samir Mehta | June 5, 2012
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Tony Peters | June 7, 2012
Not Florida but in a Walmart

Samir Mehta | June 7, 2012
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Scott Hardie | June 19, 2012
Walmart in Florida? Same as everywhere, just lots more exposed skin and above-average frequency of rednecks.

Samir Mehta | June 27, 2012
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Tony Peters | August 21, 2012
Florida Again

Scott Hardie | August 24, 2012
You'd feel safe here in Sarasota, Tony. We're prepared.

Tony Peters | August 25, 2012
Very cool

Scott Hardie | September 18, 2012
I wouldn't wish dying in a fiery auto accident on anybody. But someone who tweets at 1am that they're drunk-driving at 120mph through a neighborhood, because "fuck it you only live once," kind of asked for it. Do they still give out Darwin Awards?

Tony Peters | September 18, 2012
Karma.......

Tony Peters | September 26, 2012
yup florida has doomsday preppers too

Tony Peters | November 30, 2012
PUT THE BONG DOWN

Tony Peters | January 4, 2013
Karma.....no not florida but funny ...............I think the first privacy rule of face book is anything you post is no longer private

Scott Hardie | January 4, 2013
Grr... On my short list for this site's next steps is to convert the character set to something universal once and for all, so that special characters, like those in the URL that Tony pasted, do not get mangled. Here's a working link to read the same story.

Funny story, Tony. Thanks for sharing. :-)

Tony Peters | January 4, 2013
I was ranting about the Senator who got off with a suspended license for DUI in the DC area and a friend PM'd me that story I don't think I have laughed that hard in a while

Scott Hardie | January 6, 2013
If only the senator had written that on Facebook. :-)

Tony Peters | January 7, 2013
a Mormon republican senator gets busted for DUI.....too bad he's only gonna get a suspended license

Scott Hardie | January 7, 2013
Where does the real Joe Biden end, and the Onion's "Diamond Joe" Biden begin? "[Biden] hit on senators' mothers during the Senate's mock swearing-in ceremony for the new Congress."

Tony Peters | January 7, 2013
that was funny........one has to wonder if he is contemplating a run in 2016

Tony Peters | January 23, 2013
really??? oh its florida

Scott Hardie | January 26, 2013
Whatever complaints you may have about Sprint, be glad you're not this guy.

Tony Peters | March 6, 2013
you would think that this would have to happen in Florida but alas Arkasas

Scott Hardie | March 11, 2013
The Daily Show just had some fun with two bizarre Florida news stories.

Tony Peters | May 10, 2013
More Florida new though I have to say I do kinda understand her

Tony Peters | May 15, 2013
I really don't know what to say about this not in florida though

Scott Hardie | May 15, 2013
This is why you always ask the wizard to demonstrate the invisibility potion first. Everybody knows that.

Scott Hardie | June 5, 2013
Damn, I love Florida.

Tony Peters | August 1, 2013
I guess I do not understand Modern Music....of all the bad songs of the summer this may just be the worst, warning this is really offensive/racist/sexist

Erik Bates | August 1, 2013
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Tony Peters | August 1, 2013
listen to the lyrics

Erik Bates | August 4, 2013
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Samir Mehta | April 9, 2014
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Scott Hardie | April 12, 2014
The proliferation of bath salts is a boon for people who like to gawk at freaks online. I wonder if anti-drug programs for teens would work better these days if they showed videos like these and said, "If you get really high, you'll do something stupid and it will show up online, and everyone will lulz at you."

Samir Mehta | April 12, 2014
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Scott Hardie | November 20, 2014
Someone drunk and disorderly being arrested in a Taco Bell drive-thru is pretty minor news, especially in Florida, but I love the mug shot.

Samir Mehta | January 7, 2015
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Scott Hardie | January 16, 2015
Florida, stay funny.

Scott Hardie | February 14, 2015
I can't resist: More Florida news.