Dear Uwe Boll.

Stop it. Oh for the love of god please stop it. I don't know who told you you were a good director, or who sugested that you continue making movies, but let me point out this one helpful tidbit: You Suck and You're Ruining My Childhood. You suck you suck you suck.

Allow me to present, if I may, a smattering of Uwe Boll's past films, and my assessment of his upcoming disasterpieces.

1. House of the Dead. Yes, I actually saw this movie. No, I did not spend any money on it (thank GOD), but my friend picked it up. Movies based off of video games suck, for the most part, but they at least try to pretend that they're not based off of a video game. Not House of the Dead. Oh no my friends! The movie is intercut with scenes from the video game itself. I am not joking. I wish I was. The video game is intercut with the movie. Not to mention the scene where it takes 20 MINUTES for SIX PEOPLE to walk 10 FEET because we have to do a slow motion rotate around all of them just in case, you know, you totally forgot who they were. My hatred for this movie only matched by my hatred for...
2. Alone in the Dark. oh that's right, the same gentleman responsible for the worst movie of 2003 also made the worst movie of 2005. That's talent! With the casting of Tara "I'll Lift My Shirt for a Dollar" Reid and Jack Nichols...I mean Christian Slater, it's a win/win combination of a hideous cast who can't act being given a hideous script that wouldn't have worked if you somehow managed to raise Katherine Hepburn and Gregory Peck from the dead and made them do it. Actually, if you did that, they'd be mad that you brought them back for this piece of junk, bite your head off, and force you to roam around as the undead. See that? That non sequitor? That's a better plot than this movie!
3. Blackwoods. This little known gem is horrible. HORRIBLE. You've never heard of it , and you know what? You're lucky.

So what's ol' Uwe working on these days? Oh let's take a peek, shall we? This is not for the faint of heart.
1. Dungeon Seige. The movie. Starring Burt Reynolds. Enough freaking said.
3. Postal. Here's a treat. A video game in which the sole point of it is to pee on dead people is being made into a movie. Huh-freaking-zah.


God! I hate you Uwe Boll! You suck! Go away!


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