Dear Uwe Boll.

Stop it. Oh for the love of god please stop it. I don't know who told you you were a good director, or who sugested that you continue making movies, but let me point out this one helpful tidbit: You Suck and You're Ruining My Childhood. You suck you suck you suck.

Allow me to present, if I may, a smattering of Uwe Boll's past films, and my assessment of his upcoming disasterpieces.

1. House of the Dead. Yes, I actually saw this movie. No, I did not spend any money on it (thank GOD), but my friend picked it up. Movies based off of video games suck, for the most part, but they at least try to pretend that they're not based off of a video game. Not House of the Dead. Oh no my friends! The movie is intercut with scenes from the video game itself. I am not joking. I wish I was. The video game is intercut with the movie. Not to mention the scene where it takes 20 MINUTES for SIX PEOPLE to walk 10 FEET because we have to do a slow motion rotate around all of them just in case, you know, you totally forgot who they were. My hatred for this movie only matched by my hatred for...
2. Alone in the Dark. oh that's right, the same gentleman responsible for the worst movie of 2003 also made the worst movie of 2005. That's talent! With the casting of Tara "I'll Lift My Shirt for a Dollar" Reid and Jack Nichols...I mean Christian Slater, it's a win/win combination of a hideous cast who can't act being given a hideous script that wouldn't have worked if you somehow managed to raise Katherine Hepburn and Gregory Peck from the dead and made them do it. Actually, if you did that, they'd be mad that you brought them back for this piece of junk, bite your head off, and force you to roam around as the undead. See that? That non sequitor? That's a better plot than this movie!
3. Blackwoods. This little known gem is horrible. HORRIBLE. You've never heard of it , and you know what? You're lucky.

So what's ol' Uwe working on these days? Oh let's take a peek, shall we? This is not for the faint of heart.
1. Dungeon Seige. The movie. Starring Burt Reynolds. Enough freaking said.
3. Postal. Here's a treat. A video game in which the sole point of it is to pee on dead people is being made into a movie. Huh-freaking-zah.


God! I hate you Uwe Boll! You suck! Go away!


AdriRant

Adrianne Rodgers complains about life and all its little nuisances. Read more »

Mini-Rant: A Night At The Movies

The person next to me was not there to watch the film, but rather to rotate the contents of six paper bags. Go »

A List of Things That Tick Me Off

1. Crusty old binnies who accuse the current generation of being selfish as they don mink coats and drive down to Florida in Lexus convertibles with lambskin seats. 2. Go »

Adrianne's Dumbest Goo Moments

1. Guessed Lou Ferrigno for Steve Michalik 2. Very nearly guessed Anita Barone for Brittany Snow 3. Go »

The Black-Eyed Peas Must Be Stopped

Seriously. We've all heard that "My Humps" song they put out. The first time I heard it, I refused to believe that it came from the Blackeyed Peas. Go »

The United States of Walmart

Walmart: Worst. Store. Ever. Go »

Empty Ice Trays..

From the looks of things, you'd think it takes an advanced degree to refill an ice cube tray. I guess if I don't want to spend the next half hour skimming ice slivers off of sluggishly freezing cube slots, I might as well just go out and buy a ten pound bag. What do you mean, I'm the only one who lives here?!?!? Go »