No More Mr. Nice Guy
by Scott Hardie on January 4, 2009
Steve West doesn't know it yet, but he did me a big favor. Less than 48 hours after meeting me, he offered a friendly observation that I was not being assertive enough while running GooCon, to make sure everything happened right. I've heard that criticism from people my whole life, but explained in terms like "you're too polite" or "you're too fair" that don't sound like behaviors that need to be corrected. But hearing it from someone who had just met me really drove it home. I'd already been considering it a weakness in my professional life, and seeking out assertiveness training to improve my job performance. Steve helped me realize I need it in my whole life.
We ate at Steak & Shake tonight. The waiter brought a different item than the one I ordered. I pointed out that it was wrong and asked for what I ordered. He set the other items on the table and tried to place mine last and walk away, but I pointed out again that it was wrong and asked for what I ordered. He walked away with it, put some shredded cheese on the top to make it more similar to what I ordered, and brought it back. At this point I was offended he thought I would be fooled, but I didn't want to make a scene, so I left the plate untouched and made up my mind to tell the manager on the way out, since the manager at the register always asks how your meal was. Except that when I got up there, the kid was standing behind the manager watching me, as if daring me to complain about him in person, and the manager didn't ask me a thing. I was unprepared to launch into a complaint on those terms, and before I knew what had happened, I was walking out the door after paying the full bill (no tip).
It's not my nature to confront or to criticize or to make a scene, and yet that was exactly the appropriate time to do it. I could have saved $5 and gotten an apology, and instead all I got was this navel-gazing blog post. Why do I hesitate? It can't be fear that some teenaged Steak & Shake waiter is going to get snotty with me; I had already confronted him at the table. It must conclude that it is my nature to let others have their way to my detriment. What I always thought was one of my finest character traits seems instead to be a big weakness. When I was a kid, other parents praised my manners and whispered that they wished their kids were a polite as me. It became a running joke that I was always the last to leave the classroom, or that I called for a group vote instead of pushing for my preference. I liked to start little clubs where I was the president and I would call a meeting (perfect training for a career in middle management!), but the other kids would overwhelm me at the table and I couldn't get a word in edgewise.
All of these tendencies persist today – not the meetings part; I have the floor now since I really am the boss – and I don't really know how to feel about it yet, except for confused. It's not like I'm a drinker in denial who is slowly waking up to his alcoholism after being blind to the signs. I have always been aware of my over-polite nature, but until now, I thought it was a good thing. I was too busy congratulating myself for not cutting off other drivers or chewing out waiters or interrupting people. I suppose I still need not to do those things in general, but also to recognize when not doing them hurts me or the other person deserves it, and step out of my natural comfort zone to confront the person. I don't know how I'm going to bring about this change, especially one so fundamental to my personality, but I intend to watch for opportunities and be an avid student of the upcoming assertiveness training. There will be mistakes and hurt feelings along the way, but in the end it will bring me greater satisfaction and hopefully make me a stronger person.
Four Replies to No More Mr. Nice Guy
Lori Lancaster | January 4, 2009
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Jackie Mason | January 20, 2009
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Scott Hardie | January 20, 2009
Thanks for asking. I've always had it to some degree, but it's gotten more pronounced since getting a job. I still find myself offering to do tasks that come up in conversation with my staff, and I have to remind myself: no, they work for me. This extra push in the last few weeks has already resulted in some significant improvements and new policy changes that I've finally achieved after gently pushing them for years, so it's already paying off, but I still have a long way to go.
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