Or...How I Tried To Get Myself Banned From Safeway

Shopping at my local Safeway is usually a pleasant experience. Few crowds at 10:00 at night, plenty of quality choices, reasonable pricing, etc. However, they employ a certain checkout girl, who shall remain nameless, (let's just call her Ugly On A Stick), who weekly drives me insane. UOAS is always peppy but in an annoying way. She tries to make everyone smile but is pretty inept at it and is unendingly vocal.

Last night it started before I even put the first item on the belt. UOAS has a habit of offering her opinion on the items you intend to purchase. She looked in my cart and saw a bag of peanut butter cups and loudly objected, "Where were you a minute ago when I was eating yogurt?" I took that as a lame joke that she could have helped herself to the contents of my shopping cart. This was merely lame so I overlooked it, gritted my teeth and continued unloading my groceries. After discussing, apparently with herself, the merits of white vs. wheat bread, how donuts are directly correlated with heart attacks, and that ice cream causes fat kids - she can see that I'm practically ignoring her. UOAS is in her late teens yet presents herself as so world-wise. And of course it's her duty to educate the rest of the world with her expertise.

Nearing the end of the ordeal, she said, "I bet you have a daughter." I agreed that I had two. She demanded, "Ask me how I know!"

Me: How did you know?

UOAS: Because of the princess snacks. (Fruity snacks emblazoned with pictures of Disney princesses on the box.)

Me: Very clever but those are actually for my son.

UOAS: (Upraised eyebrows)

Me: Yeah. He seems to like girlie things.

UOAS: (Head-tilted puzzled look of an English Border Collie)

Me: Yeah. Guess he takes after his ol' Dad. Under my shirt, (pointing at chest, whispering conspiratorially) Wonder Bra.

UOAS: (Begins checking rest of groceries as fast as a ferret on amyl nitrate)

I thought of discussing the quality of lift and separation but decided against it. Subtlety being the key to believability.

Sometimes I reflect on things and think of how ashamed of myself I should be. Most times I just wonder if they'll let me back in the Safeway.


Four Replies to Steve's Supermarket Adventure

Amy Austin | August 16, 2009
LOL! Well, it's good to know that you at least think about being ashamed... as I also do whenever I wish I was there to witness your shamefulness. ;-)

Lori Lancaster | August 16, 2009
[hidden by author request]

Jackie Mason | August 18, 2009
[hidden by author request]

Aaron Shurtleff | August 19, 2009
If I hadn't met you, I'd think you were full of it, or maybe just portraying what you should have said as what you actually said.

But, no. I have no doubt you did this, and I wish I had half your chutzpah! One quarter of your moxie! One eighth of your vim! OK, I ran out of corny words, plus it's almost 1.


Web Junkie

Steve West scours the Web searching for interest or absurdity and then shakes his head ruefully when he finds it. Read more »

Some Anniversaries Are More Memorable Than Others

Today is the ninth anniversary of my wedding to my child bride, Brenda. So far so good. Had to call and schedule the plumber because there is water leaking from behind the wall in the bathroom. Go »

What Is This, Miami Beach?

Once again, I have to preface this by saying South Dakota snow stories are much more impressive, I'm sure. But here in DC it doesn't get much heavier than this. A couple of feet in a two day period left a lot of snow to be shovelled out of the way. Go »

Halloween Is For The Dogs

Last year for Halloween, I took all of Lauren's stuffed dogs and sewed their mouths to parts of my shirt and pants (with fake bleeding cuts on my arms and face) and went as an attack dog trainer. This year, I need to adopt or at least rent a dog so I can dress it like this for Halloween. Holy Kibbles & Bits Or this... Go »

And No Need for Anaesthesia

Recent conversation with Brenda: me: I've decided that I'm not going to play that "got your nose" game with our grandkids. Brenda: Oh, really? me: Yeah, I'm going to play "got your appendix" instead. Go »

One and One-half Is Not the Same As Two

Recent conversation with Brenda: me: There are not two scoops of raisins in my Raisin Bran. Brenda: Excuse me? me: There appears to be less than two scoops of raisins in my cereal box. Go »

Christmas Post #6: Beer Foam = Food

I showed this product to my wife and said, "If it only had a urinal, I would never leave the rec room." "But what would you eat?", she asked. Go »