Anger Management
by Steve West on August 31, 2021
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, “Hello?”
I politely said, “This is Steve. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?”
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, “Get the right fucking number!” And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an asshole!” And hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!”
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?”
He yelled, “NO!” And slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!” And hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale’ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too. I asked, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
He said, “Yes, it is.”
I then asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?”
He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax. It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right out in front.”
I asked, “What’s your name?”
He said, “My name is Don Hansen.”
I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
He said, “I’m home every evening after five.”
I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
He said, “Yes?”
I said, “Don, you’re an asshole!”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea…
I called asshole #1.
He said, “Hello?”
I said, “You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)
He asked, “Are you still there?”
I said, “Yeah!”
He screamed, “Stop calling me!”
I said, “Make me.”
He asked, “Who are you?”
I said, “My name is Don Hansen.”
He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?”
I said, “Asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,” And hung up.
Then I called asshole #2.
He said, “Hello?”
I said, “Hello, asshole.”
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”
I said, “You’ll what?”
He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass!”
I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.
I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
One Reply to Anger Management
Web Junkie
Steve West scours the Web searching for interest or absurdity and then shakes his head ruefully when he finds it. Read more »
The Magic Kingdom Is, Well...Magic
We just flew in from Orlando from a week's stay in Kissimmee, Florida. We had an incredible vacation that included the Magic Kingdom, Aquatica waterpark, a resort stay at Oak Plantation, Hollywood Studios, and Universal Citywalk including the Hard Rock Cafe, Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. and the Blue Man Group show. Go »Ahnuld's Dog, Heinrich
"Heel, Heinrich!", commands the Governator. "Kiss my grossly over-developed ass," snarls Heinrich in return. Go »Art Imitates Life
I had a flat tire this morning and it momentarily bummed me out. I ran over a bolt and could see it sticking out of the damned thing. I really didn't feel like crawling around on the oily pavement in my work clothes, so I called roadside assistance provided by my insurance carrier. Go »Worst. Playground Toys. Ever.
"Mommy! Mommy! Can I crawl up the elephant's butt? Go »Yes, It's Hot Enough For Me
Recent conversation with Brenda: Brenda: The weather's been getting a lot warmer lately. me: I believe I noticed. Brenda: I'm worried that our air conditioner is too old and won't be good enough this summer. Go »
Scott Hardie | September 1, 2021
Swatting is easy. This shit is next level.