UOAS has been wonderfully absent from the grocery for the last month. Paradise only lasts so long, however.

UOAS: (Eyeing the 3 lbs of sirloins on sweet sale) That's a lot of steaks, having a barbecue?
Me: No, those are for the neighbor's dog. It's his birthday. I'll probably grill 'em first.
UOAS: That's pretty generous!
Me: They're pretty good neighbors. My only dilemma is which sauce to serve with the roasted vegetables. I'm thinking of going with the vodka sauce. Too much?

UOAS: (Seeing the large bag of Reese's Pieces) E.T. loves these, I hear.
Me: Yeah, it's a well-known fact that aliens are allergic to chocolate. If any of your neighbors claim to be allergic to chocolate, I would ask to see their green card. I have INS on speed dial, myself.

UOAS: (Commenting on my browsing through a Golf Magazine) You golf?
Me: Yeah. I shot a 78 yesterday.
UOAS: That's pretty impressive.
Me: Yeah, the second hole was almost as good. I probably should learn to take a drop when a ball goes in the lake.
UOAS: You lost a bunch of balls in the lake?
Me: Yeah, I finally got a lucky bounce off the fountain in the middle and it caromed onto the green. I took an 80 on that one.

I think she's finally starting to get suspicious regarding the veracity of what I say.


Web Junkie

Steve West scours the Web searching for interest or absurdity and then shakes his head ruefully when he finds it. Read more »

Worth Your Weight in Gold

Are you worth your weight in gold? Gold bullion is traded by the Troy ounce which is 1/12th of a Troy pound that is little used today. A Troy oz is 480 grains or 31.103 Go »

So, I Got My Concealed Gun Permit, Yesterday...

...and went over to my local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm pistol for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Go »

Mean Husband... or Funny Guy?

Since Brenda is home and doing well, I will share yet another reason I will spend ETERNITY IN HELL. At the hospital, after her surgery and recovery, she began to wake up in the room. She was covered in a blanket up to her neck, and as her eyes barely fluttered open and she saw me standing over her caressing her cheek, I said, "Baby, something went wrong and they had to remove your whole body. Go »

Homer Sings

Do-Re-Mi as sung by Homer Simpson DOh - The stuff that buys me beer. RAY - The guy that sells me beer. ME - The guy who drinks the beer. Go »

Christmas Post #2: I Can See Clearly Now

Flashlights. Useful when the power goes out to help me find where I put the friggin' candles after the last time I lost friggin' power. They won't save the contents of my refrigerator but I can watch as the milk slowly curdles because I don't have TV or a computer. Go »

Halloween Post #4: Hellovader

For many people, costumes are very time consuming efforts. I tend to be more minimalist. For example, I could actually envision myself attending a Halloween costume party with Amy and she would be dressed like the Darth pussycat she is, and I would have on not much more than Fonzie socks. Go »