UOAS has been wonderfully absent from the grocery for the last month. Paradise only lasts so long, however.

UOAS: (Eyeing the 3 lbs of sirloins on sweet sale) That's a lot of steaks, having a barbecue?
Me: No, those are for the neighbor's dog. It's his birthday. I'll probably grill 'em first.
UOAS: That's pretty generous!
Me: They're pretty good neighbors. My only dilemma is which sauce to serve with the roasted vegetables. I'm thinking of going with the vodka sauce. Too much?

UOAS: (Seeing the large bag of Reese's Pieces) E.T. loves these, I hear.
Me: Yeah, it's a well-known fact that aliens are allergic to chocolate. If any of your neighbors claim to be allergic to chocolate, I would ask to see their green card. I have INS on speed dial, myself.

UOAS: (Commenting on my browsing through a Golf Magazine) You golf?
Me: Yeah. I shot a 78 yesterday.
UOAS: That's pretty impressive.
Me: Yeah, the second hole was almost as good. I probably should learn to take a drop when a ball goes in the lake.
UOAS: You lost a bunch of balls in the lake?
Me: Yeah, I finally got a lucky bounce off the fountain in the middle and it caromed onto the green. I took an 80 on that one.

I think she's finally starting to get suspicious regarding the veracity of what I say.


Web Junkie

Steve West scours the Web searching for interest or absurdity and then shakes his head ruefully when he finds it. Read more »

The Real Colon Blow Cereal

Holy metaphors, Batman! This recent All-Bran commercial from Kellogg's touts its ability to aid one in shitting enough bricks to build a barbecue. Go »

Differences That Make All The Difference

Recent discussion with Brenda: me: There's such a huge difference between how I interact with people at work and how I interact with the people in my home. Brenda: How so? me: At work, I spend all day talking about banking practices and domestic and international finance. Go »

An Open Letter to Trump Voters

I'm not mad at you that Clinton lost; I didn't vote for her either. I'm unconcerned that we have different politics. And I don't think less of you because you vote one way and I vote another. Go »

Speaking Of Tattoos...

"She Who Must Be Obeyed" (my wife) has graciously allowed me to alter my flesh by getting a tattoo. Much thought has gone into this. David Spade put it well after getting a Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes tattoo on his shoulder. Go »

Welcome To Steve's World

Is anyone else offended by the automatic deodorizing spray dispenser in public bathrooms? It offends me when I’m standing at the urinal and that’s when it decides to spritz. Like it’s somehow recognized that an emergency deodorizing event is occurring and needs attention. Go »

Weekend Grocery Shopping Equals...

... another encounter with Ugly On A Stick. I had no idea she was even there until she went out of her way to shout, 'HiiiIIIiiiii' from an aisle away. Go »