Sages And Fools
by Steve West on April 25, 2010

UOAS has been wonderfully absent from the grocery for the last month. Paradise only lasts so long, however.
UOAS: (Eyeing the 3 lbs of sirloins on sweet sale) That's a lot of steaks, having a barbecue?
Me: No, those are for the neighbor's dog. It's his birthday. I'll probably grill 'em first.
UOAS: That's pretty generous!
Me: They're pretty good neighbors. My only dilemma is which sauce to serve with the roasted vegetables. I'm thinking of going with the vodka sauce. Too much?
UOAS: (Seeing the large bag of Reese's Pieces) E.T. loves these, I hear.
Me: Yeah, it's a well-known fact that aliens are allergic to chocolate. If any of your neighbors claim to be allergic to chocolate, I would ask to see their green card. I have INS on speed dial, myself.
UOAS: (Commenting on my browsing through a Golf Magazine) You golf?
Me: Yeah. I shot a 78 yesterday.
UOAS: That's pretty impressive.
Me: Yeah, the second hole was almost as good. I probably should learn to take a drop when a ball goes in the lake.
UOAS: You lost a bunch of balls in the lake?
Me: Yeah, I finally got a lucky bounce off the fountain in the middle and it caromed onto the green. I took an 80 on that one.
I think she's finally starting to get suspicious regarding the veracity of what I say.
Web Junkie
Steve West scours the Web searching for interest or absurdity and then shakes his head ruefully when he finds it. Read more »

Isn't That The Red Skull In That Weird Pantsuit?
My internet idol, Uncle Scoopy, refers to Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham as Skeletor Spice for her resemblance to that cartoon character. Interestingly, she resembles other cartoon characters often, depending on how she dresses. She has got to make Blackwell's "Worst Dressed" this year. Go »
Who Needs a Karate Ghi?
Have you ever been in a position where you've had to choose between designer jeans or practicing jujutsu? Now your problems have been solved! You can have both. Go »
Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk
Vacation Tip #1: A 10,000 square foot, 3 level museum has opened in Springhouse, Pennsylvania devoted to The Three Stooges. Who knew you could assemble this much Three Stooges memorabilia? Then again, why not? Go »
Got Those Grocery Shop On Saturday Blues
I'm starting to shift my thinking on who's the problem in my relationship with UOAS. Even the most passably inane thing she says requires a sarcastic comment from me. It seems to have become a moral imperative in my mind. Go »
Public Service Announcement
For those of you who will be pulled over by the police and asked the inevitable question, "Because I'm smokin' hot" is not the correct answer to "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Live and learn. Go »