Santa Claus Can Kiss My Ass
by Steve West on December 6, 2008
That title is almost blasphemous in the American belief system, I know. We took the girls to a local ice cream store, Coldstone's, to get ice cream and to see and get a photograph taken with Santa.
It occured to me that Santa gets a lot of credit for stuff that I do and provide. It's the sweat off my brow that bought her Ipod last year. That new HDTV in their playroom - me. All that High School Musical paraphernalia? Me, of course. All of us who provide gifts to our children or to children of people close to us, do our best to accept the perpetuation of the Santa myth. Why? Every hug or kiss my daughter showers on that slobbering wino with the ill-fitting beard is rightfully mine.
Lauren is at that age where she is beginning to see through the Santa subterfuge and is asking me more mature questions regarding the man in the roseate suit. "Do elves make underwear? I heard Grandpa ask Grandma for underwear for Christmas." I had to lie and tell her that, yes, elves specialize in toys and lingerie.
I hate to be a Scrooge but I'm just a big believer in giving credit where credit is due. And nobody quote me that Virginia crap! I won't spoil things for her as it does make a nice story and she loves talking about Santa as if he were a close friend of hers. But man, it gets to me, sometimes.
Eleven Replies to Santa Claus Can Kiss My Ass
Steve West | December 6, 2008
Oh, I'm just venting mostly. And that Troy kid would probably kick my ass and I'd be crushed if Lauren would be happy about it. Hit him again, Troy!
Amy Austin | December 6, 2008
Oh, I know... but I'm just saying... if you're gonna' help perpetuate the lie, then lie BIG!!! "Yes, Lauren... there is a Santa Claus -- and you wouldn't *believe* how busy I am!!!" ;-D
Steve West | December 6, 2008
That would work, I think. Or backfire big time. Right now I can blame Santa for being a stingy fat ass for not getting her a pony.
Amy Austin | December 6, 2008
Hahaha... true.
Scott Hardie | December 6, 2008
Steve, knowing what you told me at GooCon puts this post in a new perspective. It doesn't make it any less funny. :-)
My pet peeve watching ER is when the doctors tell the worried family members that their loved one survived surgery and is going to be ok, and the family exclaims, "Thank God!" Uh, the doctor in front of you deserves a little credit, too.
Steve West | December 6, 2008
I hear ya, Scott. In my case, definitely a symptom of the disease.
Lori Lancaster | December 6, 2008
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Jackie Mason | December 6, 2008
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Aaron Shurtleff | December 7, 2008
I understand this, Steve! Similar to Scott's, I love it when they show some lady on TV who was unable to get pregnant, but then, thanks to in vitro fertilization, she's having a child, and she's like, "This pregnancy is a gift from God!" No, your sterility was a gift from God. This baby is a gift from medical science. I don't want to step on anyone's religion, but seriously, how can you try and try for years to get pregnant, fail every time, finally go see a doctor to help you get pregnant, and give all the credit to God?
Amy Austin | December 7, 2008
Ooh... don't get me started on that one!!!
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Steve West scours the Web searching for interest or absurdity and then shakes his head ruefully when he finds it. Read more »
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Amy Austin | December 6, 2008
So lead her on Big Time -- let her in on your secret identity. Hire some dwarves in elf costumes, fly her to Alaska, and kick the crap out of "High School Musical" for a show... ;-D