Stun the Ghouls
by Scott Hardie on September 16, 2026
Lately, I've been playing in a Dungeons & Dragons campaign set in a desert wasteland. My character Bartok is a pacifistic monk; he can fight but always seeks peaceful resolutions. Nugget and Sven are the other PCs. We found our way into a haze-filled pyramid that's home to an undying, rotting sphinx whose riddle I solved, and a room full of crazed, disease-spreading ghouls (zombies) who couldn't be reasoned with. We've been following a trickle of water through the structure toward the villain Filo, whose scheme involves a lunar convergence and the moon goddess Selûne.
After each game, our DM invites us to write a short document sharing our character's thoughts. I got a little bored of the usual format and spontaneously decided to write one as Bartok's rap debut "Stun the Ghouls," to the tune of "Run the Jewels." Although I definitely underappreciated the complexity of RTJ's rhyming pattern before I started, in the end it turned out to be a fun exercise.
Stun, stun, stun, stun, stun
Ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy
This round, we've gone deep underground
This pyramid is no bait, all trap
Ye gods, so much sand in this land
Take a short rest, read a map
Oh shit, what the hell, you our sphinx?
Cat's alive and it smells like yuck
Better hide all the cheese and the scraps
But it's outta my control, I'm a 10 INT schmuck
I don't wanna be riddled, but the path we sought
Needs an answer methought (one shot)
Blew off the rot from that skin taut
(Jaw drops) Give me the hint without nuance
You think I'm a cretin but I've beaten your game
I won't be eaten just 'cause your tummy's growlin'
Solvin' your riddles, I'm here vowelin'
When I should be crackin' necks like Shaolin
Scouring like giaours glowerin'
Faces dour as we explore
Victims, we check every door
We soon deplore all these eye sores
Getting sick and contagious
Makes us rampageous in this here maze
So when we say "Stun the ghouls"
We're trying ways to reappraise
A peaceful path on through the haze
I'll pull my punches
To save their life is best always
They bared their teeth, their rage unsheathed
It forced my fists
I put my knuckles through one and I killed that bitch
Stun the ghouls, ghouls, ghouls, ghouls, ghouls, ghouls
Stun the ghouls, ghouls, ghouls, ghouls, ghouls, ghouls
Ayy, ayy, and their hunger lives in the gut (Stun)
And at once it's a big ol' skirmish (Stun)
These ghouls get mad to the max
Better wave bye-bye to each NPC dervish
Get a good mop and a bucket (Stun)
Fists so deep in 'em they're like puppets
Corpses deep, we'll have to thug it
Get a bandage from your med kit, Nugget
A pile of gold we're trayin'
Ask Sven now and then to weigh in
My half-elf here turns gold to platinum
When it's too much conveyin'
I earned it as a striker
Ayy, gross ichor, just wash that off it
'Cause with my guilt, then I start havin' thoughts
And I can't enjoy a day in
With the route to go forward cloudy
I'm just glad to have beaten these rotters
I'll go wherever the group gets rowdy
But I wanna live to have thirteen granddaughters
So we better follow waters
And avoid any more squatters
Save HP for a fight with esprit through the night
Find Filo and commit manslaughters
To face him it's our arc, in the dim or the dark
It seems I can't choose peace
I could try 'til I die, oh well
I'd fail, I guess the brawl cannot cease
The convergence spells doom, I presume
So we'll exhume every room
Gonna pray to Selûne someday soon
Stone from a moon will become my heirloom
Stun the ghouls, ghouls, ghouls, ghouls, ghouls, ghouls
Stun the ghouls, ghouls, ghouls, ghouls, ghouls, ghouls
Ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy
Ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy
(The zombies were awakened)
Logical Operator
The creator of Funeratic, Scott Hardie, blogs about running this site, losing weight, and other passions including his wife Kelly, his friends, movies, gaming, and Florida. Read more »
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