What's Funnier Than a Heart Attack?
by Scott Hardie on November 15, 2007
Everything, but especially finding out that it's not a heart attack.
The pain started after I finished my usual Tuesday dinner with my mom at 8pm. I stood up to leave, and stiffness shot up my back and across my chest. I had to sit down. It was an intense, crushing tightness, making it hard to breathe. Have you ever heard a heart attack described as feeling like an elephant sitting on your chest? That's what it was like. After an hour, I felt strong enough to stand up and drive to the ER, with my mom as a helpful escort. The pain finally subsided around 1am, but the tests continued well into this morning and I was discharged in the afternoon.
In the end, they found nothing wrong with my heart or cardiovascular system, no diabetes, no other conditions that could simulate a heart attack. The best guess they had was muscle spasms, caused primarily by carrying around too much weight on my frame. I'm somewhere over 400 pounds (the highest my scale will go) and almost all of the overweight is in my big fat belly.
So, while it's a relief that this incident was not serious, it's clearly a harbinger of medical crises and hospital visits to come if I don't do something about this weight. As much as I don't like it, I have to start eating throughout the day and restricting sugar, and easing into an exercise routine. Kelly will help, but more on that later. What I think I need most of all is a therapist who can help me develop self-discipline, since my hundreds of failed diets have left me cyncial that any attempt to lose weight will work out. It's weird for me to admit such a thing, but I simply can't control myself.
Anyway, thanks for the well wishes. I'm still a bit stiff and unsure how much work I can get done at the office tomorrow, but I'm going to try to get back to normal.
Twelve Replies to What's Funnier Than a Heart Attack?
Jackie Mason | November 15, 2007
[hidden by author request]
Steve West | November 15, 2007
Heartfelt (bada-bing) relief to hear you're okay. Sincerely, good to have you back.
Aaron Shurtleff | November 15, 2007
Now, see, Scott. I got it figured out. If you didn't get so upset about the Holiday season, you wouldn't be putting so much stress on your system, and you'd be fine. ;)
I kid, of course!
Well, I'm glad to hear that everything seems all right with you, for the most part. Diet and exercise is tough, but it's for the best, right?
Odd thing, though. My boss, who lives close to you in Bradenton, wasn't at work the past couple of days, because he was taking care of his wife, who had chest pains that turned out to be nothing definitive Tuesday night. She was at the hospital overnight, as well. You might even have both been there at the same time. Maybe there's something funky going around down there...
Denise Sawicki | November 15, 2007
Wow, scary... I am so glad you're OK. I hope you can find the discipline you need. Walks are a good idea for sure.
Lori Lancaster | November 15, 2007
[hidden by author request]
Anna Gregoline | November 15, 2007
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. That sounds REALLY scary, Scott! I'm glad you're taking steps to improve your health, we want you around for a LONG time! If there's anything we can do to help, please let us know.
Steve Dunn | November 15, 2007
Holy crap, man! Sorry I missed this earlier. When I emailed you about the goo I had no idea this had happened.
It's good to hear you talk about getting serious about addressing your weight. I've previously gotten the impression that you thought it was pointless to make the effort because there was no chance you could succeed.
I happen to believe that someone with your mental ability is MOST likely to be able to figure out a strategy that works. Just apply your brain to the problem. I'll be glad to help if you think I can be of any help. It'll be a little like designing a game - you have to conceive the potential obstacles and implement functional work-arounds. You can do it.
Anna Gregoline | November 15, 2007
Steve is totally right - you are one of the most grounded, thoughtful, and in control people I know. You can totally do this!
Kelly Lee | November 15, 2007
I agree one hundred percent. But you know that already. :P
Amy Austin | November 16, 2007
Someone I know recently compared a bad day to a demolition derby... feeling a bit like you've been there? ;-p ;-D ;-) Well, I'm glad to hear that it wasn't a fatal one, anyway...
I wish I knew what else to say to be of some encouragement -- it's got to at least feel good to have so many friends rallying around you in support... myself included, if I can call it something so... "active"... ;-)
If it weren't such a hugely negative trade-off, though -- and fraught with its own set of miseries (the least of which, for you, is being married!) -- I'd highly recommend the Divorce Diet... lose at least 15 pounds, or your money back... guaranteed!!! (Hey... I *said* it was a shitty trade-off!!!) ;-)
Seriously, though... trying hard to send whatever remaining little bits of light and good vibes I have left your way -- it isn't much, but try to think of it as the one last grain of sand left of Fantasia at the end of The NeverEnding Story... (it will at least make *me* feel better anyway! ;-D)
Scott Hardie | November 16, 2007
Holy cow, am I one lucky guy. You folks are the best friends I could ask for. Thank you for the big virtual hug. :-)
Jackie, I agree. I don't like eating throughout the day, and I especially don't like the idea of annoying my coworkers with stinky food, but for my health, I'm willing to cross certain lines. Let's see what the nutritionist says.
Steve, you picked up that vibe more or less accurately. On one hand, I know the solution is within my control, so it frustrates me to no end that I keep failing. But on the other hand, I've failed hundreds of attempted diets over all these years, and, well, a string of hundreds of failures with no success tends to get you down about your prospects. Whenever I start another eating plan, I can't pretend that I don't know how slim my chances of success are from extensive experience. Attempting weight loss is one hell of a bummer.
You're all very, very good to me. Thank you for the kind words and support. I will provide updates as time passes. I'm scheduled for a cardiovascular stress test the week after Thanksgiving, and fortunately it's not the same day AS Thanksgiving or I'd be in the hospital again.
Logical Operator
The creator of Funeratic, Scott Hardie, blogs about running this site, losing weight, and other passions including his wife Kelly, his friends, movies, gaming, and Florida. Read more »
5 Horror Board Game Recommendations
Someone asked me recently to suggest a few good horror-themed board games. With Halloween coming up, I decided to write out a list in case it gives anyone else ideas for something fun to get and play. These are in order from most kid-friendly to least. Go »March 14, 1977
I hope this doesn't set a precedent for doing this on everybody's 30th birthday, or I'm going to be busy writing these for the next few years... Top Ten Reasons Denise Sawicki is Awesome 10) She wore red on her wedding day, and she looked good. 9) She doesn't just send the DVD as a surprise birthday gift. Go »Cheesed
If life is about simple pleasures, does the return of Taco Bell's chili cheese burrito qualify? I don't know if it's nationwide, but they've returned on a wave of marketing around here. It was my favorite menu item a decade ago, until lack of counter space in the kitchen eliminated chili from a supposedly "Mexican" restaurant. Go »Buying a Printer
I bet if you work in a grocery store, you spend part of the time rearranging food that you know is going to get thrown away after it doesn't sell, so you feel like you're going to a lot of trouble for nothing. That's what buying a printer feels like. I hate buying printers because I'm highly skeptical that I can find one that will still work after six months, after Kelly and I have gone through a long series of them for the last ten years that all broke down like flimsy pieces of crap. Go »I Wonder
Is there any way I can program my car's CD player to make an "om nom nom" sound when I slide in a disc? Go »
Russ Wilhelm | November 15, 2007
Glad everything turned out okay this time. Hopefully you find the discipline your looking for. The world needs you to stick around for a much longer time.