Al Jolsen Meets The Handmaid's Tale
by Steve West on October 1, 2009
Brenda went to a local clothing store which I refuse to name so as not to give them any free advertising. I'm a little pissed at them right now. She bought Lauren some new clothes for school including a new pair of jeans for $15.00. Why these jeans had one of those anti-theft chastity belt lock devices I can't tell you. They were only fifteen bucks. Go put that on the Vera Wang stuff! Why the store clerk didn't see and remove it, I don't know. Why the store metal detector things didn't sound off the air raid sirens, I also don't know. What I do know is that in order to save Brenda a trip I told her (in a manly way) that I could remove it with little trouble. Famous last words. Without use of tools, at first, I grabbed hold of either side and pulled with a little bit of effort. Nothing. I better positioned myself, threw a little salt around in that strange sumo fashion, gripped that little bastard and puuullled! I heard the satisfying crack of progress. Shortly thereafter I felt the rather unpleasant sensation of being peed on. By a diseased cow. Black ink had been imbedded in the device. Torquemada would have been proud of the sadistic geniuses that came up with that idea. Him or Karl Rove. Brenda, being ever helpful, screamed at me not to get any on the jeans. I calmly replied, "Never fear, my love, I believe the octopus is content to spray me exclusively from wrist to elbow." A little got on the jeans, a spot no wider than an average pen would make for about a quarter inch. I, however got an early start on Halloween as a member of The Black Hand. That sumbitchin' stuff was the kind of ink that doesn't wash off with soap either. We had some Magic Eraser stuff under the sink and it took some off my hands but only after I was ordered to scrub the damn pants first. Some of you probably knew that nuclear waste was inside of those things. But for those who don't, I'm happy to provide another public service announcement. I finally succeeded after switching to power tools (getting the tag off, not the ink). Brenda better not have stolen this piece of crap pair of pants.
Eight Replies to Al Jolsen Meets The Handmaid's Tale
Amy Austin | October 1, 2009
*stifling chuckles*
I can't believe you didn't know this, Steve.
Steve West | October 1, 2009
Hey, fool me once... Now I know. And I can honestly admit when I'm an idiot. Not happy about it but I can own up to it.
Amy Austin | October 1, 2009
Lol... well, I'm glad that you can and that you share so much amusement at your own expense. ;-)
Lori Lancaster | October 1, 2009
[hidden by author request]
Aaron Shurtleff | October 1, 2009
Target doesn't do that.
Just sayin' :)
Steve, I don't know why these things seem to happen to you, but you have a very funny way of telling the stories!
Erik Bates | October 1, 2009
[hidden by author request]
Steve West | October 1, 2009
Laugh or cry, you know? I prefer to laugh.
Web Junkie
Steve West scours the Web searching for interest or absurdity and then shakes his head ruefully when he finds it. Read more »
I'm Like Evander Holyfield Except With Two Entire Ears
Recent conversation with Brenda. Brenda: My aunt just had a birthday. She's 94. Go »Party Time!
Recent conversation with Brenda: Me: I think our neighbor died. Brenda: Who? Ray? Go »As The Firm Sang - I'm Radioactive
Brenda is under quarantine now because of an ablation procedure that makes her radioactive. Some stray thyroid tissue is apparently on her oncologist's hit list and he won't be denied. I'm sleeping on the couch for the next three nights and I'm doing the Daddy thing solo for the next three days. Go »If I Were To Make A Children's Show...
...it would be similar to this promo for The Crime Channel featuring Gali the Alligator. The lyrics are a little hard to understand so I've attempted to transcribe them here. Go »I'm a Doctor, Not a Kitchen Appliance!
My toaster has a timer on it that let's you know when it's finished. It seems a little silly to add a timer beeping that's a redundant addition to the toast loudly popping up from the machine that means the same thing. So now, because the timer emits a sound eerily similar to an EKG indicating flatline, every time it goes off I'll say to Brenda, "He's bread, Jim." Go »
Scott Hardie | October 1, 2009
One of my pet peeves in life is anti-theft systems that do more harm to honest consumers than to thieves. Organized shoplifters know exactly how to get that unit off without damaging the merchandise or their hands. Ordinary folks like you get peed on. Take your business elsewhere.