"Back when I sold real estate, I used to touch up the houses myself. It was a tough market, there wasn't money to pay for it. Anyway, this one house, I have the damnedest time getting the color in the living room right. It has this ugly buttery yellow paint on the walls. I try adding more white, and it looks like cheese popcorn. I try adding more yellow, and it looks like runny eggs. It's nasty."

"Oof. I can picture that."

"Yeah. So this couple buys the place, and before they move in I tell them I have to work on it a little more. I keep trying different shades and I can't get it right. Finally I run out of time and I hand it over to them, and I keep waiting for them to be pissed about it. One day, the phone rings, and it's the guy who bought it. He says, 'Richard, we have to talk about the paint in the living room.' I swallow and say, 'Yeah?' He says, 'My wife and I LOVE this color. How did you get such a beautiful shade? We want to paint all of the rooms this color. Please tell us where we can buy it.'"


Logical Operator

The creator of Funeratic, Scott Hardie, blogs about running this site, losing weight, and other passions including his wife Kelly, his friends, movies, gaming, and Florida. Read more »

Without Teeth

Turns out I'm not the only one in this household in need of medical attention. I took my cat to the vet for an eye infection, wound up getting her a $500 physical since she's overdue, and the doctor wants to pull her teeth in a few weeks for another $400. He says her teeth and gums are impossibly infected and there's nothing else that can be done now. Go »

What's Funnier Than a Heart Attack?

Everything, but especially finding out that it's not a heart attack. The pain started after I finished my usual Tuesday dinner with my mom at 8pm. I stood up to leave, and stiffness shot up my back and across my chest. Go »

Moving Day

You don't think about how much unnecessary stuff you own until you're paying someone by the hour to move it all. After Kelly and I moved into our new home last night, here's the current state of our living room, guest room, and garage. The house is a mess, and so are we. Go »

Overheard While Shopping for Birthday Cards

"Don't they have any funny cards here? I mean actually funny, not ha-ha the polar bear farted funny." Go »

WLW: Here's What You Do

No kooky doctor stories this week, as I've been left to my own care, or should I say, the care of everyone around me. I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I'm sincerely glad that people care about me enough to offer advice. It's just, there's a LOT of advice, from all directions, at the drop of a hat, and much of it conflicts with other advice. Go »

The Angry Number

Steve Dunn is bemused when people speak out against corporate America, as if it's a bad thing that they give millions of people jobs and create the products & services that enrich our lives. I'm with him, but sometimes I do get tired of being treated like a number. I've been a good tenant at this apartment complex for three years – always paid rent on time, no loud parties or messy pets or maintenance problems. Go »