You're Not My Real Founding Fathers!
America loves its Founding Fathers, and the nation's 250th anniversary makes for a fine opportunity to celebrate them. But wait—who are these imitators? These are actors, and musicians, and authors, and athletes! Their John Hancocks are very similar, but these aren't the real Founding Fathers! Starting apropos on Father's Day, here are a whopping fifty goos to challenge your knowledge of patriotic trivia. Can you identify these fifty fake signatories to a Declaration of Independence that never was? With luck, you\ll hold these goos to be self-evident.
This celebrity goo was created by Scott Hardie.
publication date: Saturday, July 11, 2026 - the answer will be revealed on Saturday, July 18
category: 
Sports
clue: He isn't a physician from New Hampshire. He's a retired baseball player and 2010 all-star whose skill at pitching was a thorn in opponents' sides.
intended difficulty: medium
solved by: no one yet
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This celebrity goo was created by Scott Hardie.
publication date: Friday, July 10, 2026 - the answer will be revealed on Friday, July 17
category: 
Music
clue: He isn't a university founder from North Carolina. He's one of the most beloved film composers of all time, having written iconic themes for Darth Vader, Indiana Jones, Harry Potter, E.T., Superman, Kevin McCallister, Jaws, and countless more.
intended difficulty: very easy
solved by: Russ Wilhelm and Richard Slominsky
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This celebrity goo was created by Scott Hardie.
publication date: Thursday, July 9, 2026 - the answer will be revealed on Thursday, July 16
category: 
Government
clue: He wasn't a statesman from Massachusetts. He was possibly America's first gay vice president, definitely America's first vice president sworn in on foreign soil, and probably America's first vice president to have both a county in Washington that was named after him and a city in Alabama that he named become far more associated with a civil rights icon with his last name. Who's the king?
intended difficulty: easy
solved by: Russ Wilhelm, Richard Slominsky, and Erik Bates
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This celebrity goo was created by Scott Hardie.
publication date: Wednesday, July 8, 2026 - the answer will be revealed on Wednesday, July 15
category: 
Military
clue: He wasn't a statesman from Virginia. He was an admiral who preferred the classroom to the war room, though I heard some submarine crews were not fond of him.
intended difficulty: hard
solved by: Russ Wilhelm
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This celebrity goo was created by Scott Hardie.
publication date: Tuesday, July 7, 2026 - the answer will be revealed on Tuesday, July 14
category: Music
clue: He isn't a planter from South Carolina. He's a frequent reality TV cast member and the most famous hype man in hip hop, known for his tasty nickname and horological fashion sense, boyeee.
intended difficulty: very easy
solved by: Russ Wilhelm, Richard Slominsky, and Erik Bates
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This celebrity goo was created by Scott Hardie.
publication date: Monday, July 6, 2026 - the answer will be revealed on Monday, July 13
category: 
Health
clue: He wasn't a builder from Virginia. He was a sanitarium director whose beliefs about racial superiority and holistic medicine put the flake in cornflakes.
intended difficulty: medium
solved by: Russ Wilhelm, Richard Slominsky, and Erik Bates
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This celebrity goo was created by Scott Hardie.
publication date: Sunday, July 5, 2026 - the answer will be revealed on Sunday, July 12
category: 
Disasters
clue: He wasn't a lawyer from Delaware. He was a merchant whose journal after a famous shipwreck in Florida has been hailed as one of the great survival-in-captivity tales, but spoiler warning: He lived to become the mayor of Philadelphia.
intended difficulty: easy
solved by: Russ Wilhelm, Richard Slominsky, and Erik Bates
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Earlier Goos
These goos were also part of this theme.
George Washington Carver
He wasn't a military commander from Virginia. He was an agricultural scientist and inventor, the arc of whose life—being born into slavery, witnessing race crimes, overcoming educational discrimination, joining the faculty of an esteemed school, devoting his career to teaching poor Southerners who spurned him how they could grow new crops like peanuts in soil that was depleted by cotton, and surviving until the eve of the post-war boom—inspires hope that America will spend its second 250 years fully embodying the principles that it established in its first. Go »
Frances Dana Barker Gage
She wasn't a lawyer from Massachusetts. She was a universal suffragist and abolitionist who refused to sit on her fanny in the face of injustice, until an accident forced it. Go »
John Witherspoon
He wasn't a minister from New Jersey. He was Ice Cube's weekday father, Kid & Play's annoyed neighbor, Robert Townsend's fast-food boss, Eddie Murphy's vamping victim, and a very animated granddad. Go »
June Blair
She wasn't a judge from Virginia. She was an actress who married into a TV-perfect 1950s family, complete with Ricky Nelson as the best man. Go »
Caroline Charles
She wasn't a millionaire from Maryland. She was a leading figure in the British fashion wave of the 1960s despite being in her early 20s, taking her Mod designs around the world and dressing celebrities for the next 50 years in her fashion. Go »
Samuel Holden Parsons
He wasn't a doctor from Massachusetts. He was a Connecticut lawyer who took up arms as a revolutionary and later commander, finding more luck against royal redcoats than against river rapids. Go »
Benjamin Harrison
He wasn't a planter from Virginia. He was a president whose career peaked before and after Cleveland. Go »
Tree Paine
She isn't a lawyer from Massachusetts. She's a music-industry professional known for quickly shutting down rumors and leaks concerning her #1 client, but before launching her own firm, she worked with artists such as the performer of "Head Like a Hole." Go »
Sam Huntington
He isn't a politician from Connecticut. He's a screen actor who tired of being a human turned werewolf, took photos of a Superman's return, and lured Tim Allen out 2 a jungle. Go »
Joan Collins
She isn't a politician from Rhode Island. She's a British movie star who, long before she was made a dame by the queen, began her career playing a beauty queen in Lady Godiva Rides Again and then riding in The Bravados, played half of a clandestine marriage in The Virgin Queen but not in The Clandestine Marriage, played someone who became a queen by marrying a king in Esther and the King but not in My Duchess, and played a princess screwed over by a hateful pharaoh in Land of the Pharaohs but a prince's wooed who's not on the straight-and-narrow in Hard Time for Princes. Go »
Euan Morton
He isn't a farmer from Pennsylvania. He's a Broadway actor known for playing two different British Georges, one of them diametrically opposed to this theme, and an audiobook narrator known for his interpretations of James Islington and Frank Herbert. Go »
Patrick Morrisey
He isn't a statesman from New York. He's an attorney with a long history of fighting the EPA, and now the top elected official in West Virginia. Go »
Johnny Hart
He wasn't a politician from New Jersey. He was a cartoonist known for two famous comic strips, one of which inspired The Flintstones, and the other of which was inspired by The Wizard of Oz. Go »
